Teaching an Angel to be Human
by MonsterV
Summary: The world around Castiel is a new place, full of new experiences and new people. He didn't think it would be so hard to blend in, even with his new-found friends. The more time he spends around humans, the more he relates and starts to feel their emotions. But is he correct in his suspicion that his loyalty for his favorite human could be something a little more? Rated M for sex.
1. Chapter 1

I have been working on this for a while, and decided to post it. I'm not entirely sure where to go with Dean/Cas's relationship. So if you all would review and give me some ideas, my ego would appreciate it.

EDIT: I noticed I left something out of my chapters. Song credits. I'll post these at the end of every chapter now.

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

It'd been a long morning. Driving three states away from their last location left Dean more than a little tired. The Impala barreled down the road, with the sun floating in the sky up ahead. The tape player had broken two days ago, and without his tunes, Dean felt a little awkward, pressured toward making conversation with Castiel, who was sitting in the seat across from him. He wasn't in the mood, and switched on the radio.

"_That's as close as I'll get to loving you, even though, there's nothing else I'd rather do"_

Both men's eyes met for a moment, and then awkwardly dashed back and forth between the radio buttons and straight ahead at the open road, trying to ignore the lyrics in hopes that they would just go away.

"_I can dream, I can hope, I can scheme but still I know-"_

At the same time, Dean and Castiel both shot a hand forward to change the channel, hands touched briefly, then jerked away as if being burned, before each gracelessly reached for the radio button a second time, at the same time. Both paused for a moment, making eye contact for only another brief moment before Castiel said in his calm, gravel voice, retreating back to his seat,

"Sorry. Your radio. Not mine."

"Damn right," Dean replied, actually appreciating Castiel's understanding of personal property at this point. Sam never did this on their road trips, and was forever dicking with the radio, the windows, the seats, the glove box, the rear-view mirrors, anything that permitted hands to adjust it. Dean smirked to himself as he coolly changed the channel without further argument over who controlled the radio, satisfied with himself until the next ration of noise broke his thoughts.

"_You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you-"_

"That's enough of that." Dean said sharply, changing the channel in disgust. The crap people listened to these days.

"_Don't you remember you told me you love me, baby?-"_

"Ugh, what the hell is this?" he groaned, avoiding that irritating look of concern he was most definitely getting from Castiel's position in the passenger seat. Dean hated that look. It translated to, I can tell something about this bothers you, human. No thanks on the mental heart-to-heart, Cas. Dean changed the channel again, becoming frustrated quicker and quicker.

"_Hold the line! Love isn't always on time.-"_

"Why is everybody singing about their _feelings_?!" Dean growled, frantically stabbing a finger at another channel, landing said finger in the broken tape deck before actually hitting the channel 6 mark. Damn February right to Hell.

"_You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like-"_

Now angry, and visibly flushed, Dean settled for switching the radio to OFF. The silence was awkward, but not as bad as the shady sequence of songs on air today.

After only a 10 second silence that got more unpleasant by the second, Castiel cleared his throat.

"Dean, I've been thinking."

"NO!" Dean snapped, his voice harsh like the cracking of a whip. Castiel jolted in surprise momentarily, the way he always did when someone suddenly yelled. His blue eyes stared at the red-faced man driving the car, blinking every so often, but not breaking his gaze of confusion. _Why did you just yell at me, Dean? What did I do now? Is this about personal space again?_ At this moment, he wished Sam or that old man that the Winchesters liked would have been sharing the car with them. Maybe they would have led the conversation, or lack thereof, into another topic. But as it stood, it was just the two of them right now.

Dean's eyes eventually sneaked over to the corners of their sockets for a quick peek. _Yep, he's still staring at me like that._ It had been roughly a full minute and Castiel still had that expression focused squarely on him, the one that seemed to mix mild alarm with a questioning "Why are you in such a bad mood?" without actually saying anything. Later, after he was able to think clearly with a burger in his hand, Dean reminded himself that he would have to tell Cas how normally humans were uncomfortable being stared at for a period of time lasting longer than five seconds.

_Why __**am**__ I in such a bad mood, really? _Dean didn't know. Maybe he was just mad at Sam. Maybe he was mad at Bobby for saying that he and Cas were too busy having a tea party when they were supposed to be feeling terrible and somewhat responsible for Bobby's being confined to a wheelchair. _Tea party? We're not having a damn tea party. We're workin' here. And why the hell do you give a damn about what party I have or what's drank at it? Last time I checked, I'm a grown man and if I even wanted to have a tea party, I am damn-well entitled to having one. Tea parties are faggy and I don't want to have one, but… Bobby's just bitter about not being able to walk. That's it. _

"Dean?"

At hearing his name being called, breaking the silence again, Dean snapped out of his daze and addressed his passenger.

"What, Cas?"

"My apologies, but you've been muttering to yourself for ten minutes… and you're also driving on the wrong side of the highway." Castiel replied, motioning forward, where luckily the road was quite empty, but Dean really was on the wrong end of traffic. He corrected back into his own lane.

"Bathroom break?" Dean asked, realizing he was being kind of an ass by yelling earlier and tried to change the subject casually.

"Excuse me?" Castiel asked, cocking his head slightly to one side, in attempt to process this information.

"Do you have to pee?" Dean reiterated.

"Angels don't have any biological need to emit waste, if that's what you're implying."

"Well humans do." Dean said, pulling off at a diner and putting the car in park.

"Don't men usually 'go' on the side of the road?" Castiel asked, remembering both Sam and Dean needing to stop and walk into the woods for a 'bathroom break' at given times.

"Not when you need to drop a deuce."

"Okay." Castiel answered, having heard enough. He never questioned God's creation, but the idea of defecating seemed like one of the worst things that a human could have to do. He was lucky. As an angel, he didn't have to eat or drink, and as a result, he didn't have to go through such a disgusting process.

"Are you hungry, Dean?"

"What?"

"Hungry. I'm only asking because you left the television on at the motel, and while I was waiting for you, I learned something, about humans."

"Oh?"

"A commercial, as you call it, said that crankiness was an unfortunate side effect of hunger. And with your mood as it is-"

Dean interrupted by laughing at the angel's clueless brilliance in his understanding of humans. The Snickers commercial was meant to be a joke, though it contained truth. But try explaining that to an angel that had the sense of humor of an egg. He just opted to tell Cas that, yes, being cranky sometimes meant that a person was hungry. Thinking about it, he definitely could use some sustenance.

"I'm willing to wait with you, while you 'refuel'." Cas offered. He never felt hunger in his very long life, but liked sitting and listening while Dean talked. He always seemed a little happier and a lot less tense when he was putting food into his mouth.

"Sounds like a plan, come on." Dean said, turning off the car and heading into the diner with the angel following in close proximity. It was a 'seat yourself' kind of place, so Castiel took Dean's lead and sat in the seat across from the one occupied by the still irritated human. The waitress came, took down what Dean wanted and looked at Cas, waiting for him to ask for something. He made eye contact with her, blinking a few times and said "Coffee?" as more of a question than a statement.

"That's it?" the waitress replied.

"He's on a diet." Dean said, smiling to himself.

"Whatever you're doing, honey, it's working." she said before walking away. When she was out of earshot, Dean motioned to her and winked at Castiel.

"Not bad." He said.

"No, Dean."

"What?"

"Stop trying to 'involve' me with my father's creations." Castiel replied, knowing exactly where his companion was going with this. _Dean, do you ever have anything else on your mind besides women and food?_

"Come on. Do you wanna be a virgin forever?" Dean asked condescendingly.

"I don't mind."

"But Cas-" Dean was interrupted by the waitress bringing drinks, much to Castiel's relief. It would change the subject, temporarily getting Dean away from this crusade he was on. Cas picked up the surprisingly big mug and took in a mouthful of the black liquid he was developing a fondness for.

"Hey, since angels don't need to eat or drink, and since you never have to use the toilet, where does your coffee go? Like, why do you drink it?" Dean asked.

"It doesn't really go anywhere. I drink it, and then nothing happens. It disappears inside me. I just find the warmth and the taste pleasing." Cas replied, slowly taking another drink, closing his eyes momentarily.

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"You had ONE job, Cas! ONE JOB!" Dean stomped around the motel room, throwing another fit.

"I fail to see what I did wrong." Castiel answered, straight-faced and waiting for another one of Dean's explosions. He wondered to himself if all humans were this moody and volatile.

"Look around this room, Cas. How many beds do you see?" Dean snapped, motioning around the room and stopping when his hand gestured to a king sized bed in the middle of the room.

"One." He answered.

"ONE! Just one!" Dean yelled again.

"I don't know why you're so angry. We only need one. As an angel, I don't need to sleep. I was just going to sit in the kitchenette and rest while you slept."

"That's not the point. Did you see the way that the desk chick looked at you?" Dean asked, lowering his voice a bit.

"She smiled at me. I thought she seemed nice." Castiel replied, remembering the pretty young woman that he spoke to when he checked into the room they were using.

"She thought we were _gay,_ Cas."

"I don't understand what you mean." he replied, being very honest. Some of the things Dean said went misunderstood by Cas, but he would let it go most of the time, not asking for an explanation and would assume he would just figure it out later.

"Gay, Cas! GAY!"

"Well, you're the only one who isn't. I was in a fine mood a moment ago."

"Not that kind of gay. I mean…homosexual." Dean grunted, lowering his voice dramatically.

"What?"

"Homosexual!"

"Dean, I heard what you said. I don't know what that is." Castiel replied, still very calm and collected. He hoped that if he kept his own calm over the situation, that eventually Dean would relax as well.

"You know that thing I like doing with women?"

"Yes."

"Well, imagine that… but with two guys."

"Okay."

Dean fumed. Explaining things like this to a clueless angel was infuriating. _What do I have to do? Draw you a labeled diagram, Cas?_

"She thought that WE were going to do that, tonight. In this room with ONE FREAKIN BED that you just had to agree to!"

"Okay." Castiel said.

"Okay?" Dean seethed. "That's it? Okay is all you have to say? Doesn't that bug you?"

"I'm sorry, Dean. But no. Why would that bother me? I know the truth."

"That's not the point, Cas. That chick was really hot."

"She was also a married woman, a righteous woman. Trust me, Dean. Even if she didn't think you were a 'homosexual', you wouldn't have had a chance with her anyway." Cas explained.

"That's… not the point!"

"You keep saying that. What is the point?" Castiel asked, seriously not sure why he was being chewed out so thoroughly. It was an honest mistake for someone that didn't understand human culture.

"The point is, I'm not into dudes and neither are you."

"I don't know, Dean. I care for you deeply. I did raise you out of Hell, somewhere I didn't want to set foot in, and then I turned against my own kind in order to help you."

"I think you're confusing friendship with romance."

"Pardon me. I know nothing about the difference between my own feelings and those defined in love. I'm new to human emotions, but spending time here, I am learning. In my long life, I have never had friendship. I enjoy your company, I can say that. I like being near you. I like the things you say. I have given everything and I would still give even more for your safety. Call that whatever you would like to call it."

"But you don't want to _do_ me?" Dean asked, blinking repeatedly, then squinting and waiting for an answer.

"I can't say that I do. I don't have those sort of desires."

Dean sighed a breath of relief.

"Good." That was all he needed to hear regarding the issue. Castiel was not exhibiting sexual attraction to him and that was all that mattered. Dean didn't give a second thought in the fact that Cas didn't understand anything about human sexuality. As long as he basically said, "No, Dean. I do not want to rub my junk on you." That was good enough. For Dean, anyway.

Castiel, now cast into deep thought, stood quietly, staring out the window, slightly hurt by Dean's words. Dean hadn't intended to be cruel, but to Cas, the tone his voice carried when he said 'good' really meant, 'that's good, because your feelings disgust me, Castiel'. _I'm reading too far into that remark, _Cas thought to himself, _Dean does not think I'm disgusting, because I'm not. He's just irritated at my inexperience at the world I now live in. _

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

SONG CREDITS:

That's As Close As I'll Get To Loving You- Aaron Tippin  
Right Round- Flo Rida  
Superstar- The Carpenters  
Love Isn't Always On Time- Foreigner  
The Bad Touch- Bloodhound Gang


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Takes place during Season 5's My Bloody Valentine. If you have not seen this episode, this contains some spoilers.  
In this chapter, Famine effects Cas in a bit of a different way than intended.

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

It had been a number of days, and now that Sam was around, Dean's moods became easier to handle, being that Sam's presence knocked Dean down a peg. _Maybe I should just start being like Sam. Maybe I should just tell Dean he's being a 'jerk' and it will all stop. _

He looked ahead of the coffee cup he held in one hand, sitting in a diner that looked very similar to the last one he and Dean had visited. _Is this all these men ever eat?_ He was vaguely aware of the conversation going on between the Winchesters, absorbed in his own thoughts until Dean's elbow jostled him back to reality. Sam had apparently made a comment about Dean smelling unpleasant and Dean answered by lightly elbowing Cas and saying:

"Yeah, well. _Somebody_ decided to spend 30 minutes in the shower. By the time he was done, there was no hot water left. Now if this was June, I would have just taken a cold shower, but it's February."

"I'm sorry, Dean." Cas said flatly.

"Well, if you wanted to suddenly start showering, you should have done it last night. Why was it necessary to do it this morning?"

"I enjoy early showers. It rids me of my morning stiffness."

Dean had been taking a drink at that moment, sputtered it out and laughed obnoxiously. Cas's eyebrow raised, looking first at Dean and then Sam.

"I don't see what's funny about my stiffness."

At the word 'stiffness' Dean laughed louder, becoming red in the face. Castiel's eyes met Sam's pleadingly, before Sam leaned forward and whispered something into Cas's ear.

"Dean, I'm surprised that you would think of me in such an intimate way." Castiel said, his expression serious, and his stony blue eyes locked into Dean's. Though his face held a stoic gaze, something in his eyes danced with laughter. He knew he was getting his friend back for that last little fit he had against Cas regarding the desk lady's homosexual assumption. _Who's gay now? _Dean instantly stopped laughing, stared dumbstruck for a moment, and then stammered denial between the angel and his brother.

"I-I-I didn't… you know that's- you'd like that, wouldn't you?!" Dean blurted, his humor backfiring on him.

"As it stands, that isn't what I meant. My dear vessel, Jimmy, was a track runner in high school and college. Now that he has reached his mid 30s, the body I'm now using has poor joint health. The stiffness isn't exactly painful, but the slowness bothers me. Besides, I have to. I can't wait until after you've woken up, otherwise you make a confined space very intolerable_._" Cas answered, still looking directly at Dean. "By the way, you smell fine."

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

After stepping out of the diner, the group split up, with Dean and Sam heading to a medical center. Something about two people that ate each other alive. _How odd, _Cas thought to himself. _In a country that isn't even close to starving, what reason would two people have to feed upon one another's flesh? Maybe there's something about humans I don't understand? Maybe they just taste good._

It had only been an hour before Dean called, needing help. This pleased Castiel. Walking around the city with nothing to do was lonely. He had this irritating habit of finishing his tasks so quickly that it left him bored. Dean's voice was pleasant. Cas decided that he liked it, quickly zapping himself to the medical center where the Winchesters were waiting, phone still in hand, facing Dean.

It sounded strange, but the hearts of the hungry couple really did have an angelic tag on them, just as Sam had suggested. Cas explained to the brothers that this is what Cupid did when influencing people to fall in love. He marked them, but why they decided to kill each other in such a horrific way, he didn't understand. _We have to stop him. _

Cas and the Winchesters got their chance sooner than they thought. Cas tracked the cherub in question to a bar and restaurant across the city. The evidence of Cupid's presence was undeniable for him, yet went unnoticed to the humans in the same area. Dean was busy putting ketchup on the burger he was just served. Glancing at it, Cas thought to himself, _That looks delightful._ His abdomen gave forth a dull ache, uncomfortable but not painful. There was a grumbling sound taking place and his mouth filled with saliva. _Disgusting. Why am I- am I…hungry? _

Dean slid his plate away from himself without taking a single bite of food, to which Sam incredulously asked if he was actually **not** hungry. Dean shook his head, saying 'no' quietly. _Then maybe he wouldn't mind if I…_

"Are you not going to finish that?" Castiel asked.

"No." Dean said again.

Wasting no time, Castiel pulled Dean's plate across the table, toward himself, now very sure that aching inside was due to hunger. _I've never been hungry in my life. But I can't help but want to put that in my mouth. It looks so appealing. For some reason I don't understand, I'm sure that it will make the ache go away if I can just eat._

There was suddenly no time. Cupid's presence in the restaurant had led right to where Castiel wanted him.

"Meet me in the back." he said, and was gone in the blink of an eye.

Sam and Dean wasted no time in running to a back room, where they found Cas with one hand stretched out in front of him.

Where is he?" Sam asked.

"I have him tethered." Cas replied, apparently pulling Cupid into vision with Enochian charms. "Manifest yourself."

There stood a chubby, naked man, with a broad smile plastered across his face. Cupid, much larger than most humans assumed him to be, and not at all child-like in appearance at all, save for the juvenile excitement at everything around him. Cupid locked his gaze onto Dean, running forward and trapping him in a bear hug. Dean's eyes shot wide in fear and extreme displeasure. He stared straight at Castiel, not sure of what to do while Cupid babbled sweet nothings at him during this awkward moment.

"Help!" Dean stammered. When Cupid released Dean, it wasn't a second later before Castiel was locked in the same unpleasant embrace. He too stared straight ahead at Dean, reflecting the same expression his friend had in his eyes only a moment ago.

"This is Cupid?" Dean asked, regaining his breath.

"Yes." Castiel groaned.

Letting go of Castiel, Cupid noticed one more man was in the room.

"Oh, and look at you!" Cupid squealed, heading toward Sam.

"No!" Sam yelled, which did nothing as Cupid smashed him in embrace.

Dean looked back at Castiel, motioning with a finger toward Cupid, who was still clutching Sam in a death grip.

"Is this a fight? Are we gonna fight him?" Dean asked.

"No, it's… it's their handshake." Cas replied.

"I don't like it."

"Nobody likes it."

When Cupid let go of Sam, he walked back to Castiel, slapping a hand happily on the smaller man's shoulder.

"Brother, you need another." Cupid said, smiling even bigger than before.

"Please no." Castiel pleaded, only to have the air crushed from his body in another embrace. Dean was almost on the verge of laughing at the look on Castiel's face, but it went from discomfort to confusion, to alarm, and then to desperation.

"Brother, your… um… please. Something is… well the jabbing is uncomfortable…" Castiel mumbled, now flushed with embarrassment.

"What?" Cupid asked, eyes twinkling in glee.

"Cupid poking you with his _arrow_, Cas?" Dean asked, one eyebrow raised in suspicion.

"Yes. That's one way to say it. Please stop."

Cupid let go and backed away a moment, looking nurturingly upon Castiel's now horrified expression.

"I beg your pardon. It's just my job. I love love, you know."

"Yes, well. Please keep your _love_ off of my thigh." Castiel whispered, now staring at the floor, wishing to disappear into it.

"What can I do for you?" Cupid asked, still smiling.

"Why are you doing this?" Cas requested quietly.

"Doing what?"

"Your targets, the ones you marked, are slaughtering each other."

Cupid's smile faded.

"What? They are?"

"Listen, Birthday Suit," Dean started, "We know. We know you've been flitting around, popping people with your poison arrow and making them murder each other."

"What we don't know is why." Castiel added, taking over again.

"You think that I…?" Cupid started in disbelief, then faded into a fit of tears. After standing in the room with a weeping cherub, Sam finally said,

"Shouldn't… somebody go talk to him?"

"Good idea, give 'em Hell, Cas." Dean said, pushing the angel forward.

Castiel stepped forward, casting helpless looks at his friends and starting his speech that he fully did not have prepared.

"Look, um… we didn't mean to… hurt your feelings."

Cupid turned, pulling Castiel into yet a third crushing squeeze.

"Love is more than just a word to me. I love love. I do, and if that's wrong, I don't want to be right. I was just following orders. Please, brother, read my mind."

Cupid was telling the truth. The unfortunate events associated with his couples had nothing more to do with him than it had to do with Sam or Dean.

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

_This hurts. I'm so damn hungry. _Castiel's stomach grumbled again, rippling moderate discomfort throughout his entire body. It was discomfort for an angel, but it would have been the pain associated with starvation for a human. He had already given in and eaten 10 burgers from the fast food restaurant that Dean drove by on the way back to the motel. The hunger would dissipate and then it would intensify again only a short time later, sending little shocks down his nerve endings.

But he had figured it out, and he had to tell Sam and Dean all about it.

"Famine?" Dean asked.

"Yeah." Cas answered past a mouthful of burger. _This makes no sense. I have eaten so many of these. My stomach should have exploded by now. But I'm still so hungry._

Sam was standing at the sink, twitching and shivering nervously. Obviously the hunger was getting to him in a way he was not handling well. He wanted it.

"So this town is going to eat, drink, and screw itself to death?" Sam asked, bracing his hand on the rim of the sink.

"We have to stop it." Cas replied.

"How?" Dean asked, somewhat sarcastically.

"How did you stop the last horseman?"

Dean explained that he and Sam had cut off the War Horseman's finger and had taken his ring. Once that was done, everything went back to normal, save for the people that were already dead. If Famine had a ring, too, all they had to do was find him and take it.

What's wrong, Sam?" Dean asked, snapping out of his argument with Castiel about his own hunger. Dean seemed to have a torrent of food-related nicknames for the now starving angel.

"Dean… I can't go. I think it got to me. I think I'm hungry for it."

"What?"

"You know."

"Demon blood? You've got to be kidding me. Cas, you need to beam him outta here. Take him to Montana."

"He's already infected, Dean. The hunger will just follow him."

"Just go chop that bastard's finger off. But before you go… you better lock me down." Sam requested, bleary eyed and shaking uncontrollably. Dean followed orders by chaining his brother to the room's sink pipes. Those were the most sturdy thing in the room, well bolted and thick. Closing the door, Dean stepped aside as Cas effortlessly pushed a heavy entertainment center in front of the bathroom entrance, trapping Sam inside. With a heavy heart, he and Castiel went on their own, out of the hotel and into the street. The two drove to the medical center, where the dead couples had been stored, waiting parked on the curb for a clue as to where Famine was.

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

_Cas said we would find our clue here,_ Dean thought, waiting for Castiel, who insisted he had a quick errand to run. It never took him long, and before Dean could count to 20, Cas was back with another bag full of burgers, tearing open one wrapper before having been seated for three seconds.

"Are you serious?"

"These make me… very happy." Cas replied with a smile.

"How many is that?"

"I lost count. In the early hundreds. What I don't understand is… Famine has no effect on you. Slowly but surely, everyone is falling prey to Famine, but it doesn't effect you."

Dean explained to Castiel that he was already a well-fed, indulgent man. But before Cas could question this theory, the clue they had been waiting for emerged out of the medical center. A demon, carrying a briefcase. _In that case is another human soul… for Famine. _

"Let's go." Dean said, starting the car, following the demon in the black suit until they reached an all-you-can-eat restaurant.

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"This is it." Dean patted Cas on his closest shoulder, which sent the man beside him into a fit of shivers.

"Whoa, what was that about?"

"This aches. From the deepest part of me, all the way to my outermost layer of skin. I have eaten myself into sickness to quench it. This hunger isn't for food. It's for… you."

Dean crossed his arms, blinking repeatedly, as if an annoying insect were buzzing into his face.

"You're not going to eat me, Cas. I need my meat suit."

"Dean, I don't want to eat you. I need you. I…love you."

Dean stepped jolted back, almost as if being punched in the stomach, recoiling at Castiel's words.

"You wanna run that by me again, Rob Reiner?"

"You heard me. Don't act like you didn't. I spoke very clearly. I'm in love. That's what burns me so badly. Being hungry doesn't compare to this pain. It's consuming me, the same way I have desired to consume food lately. I don't know how your kind can withstand something so intense. It's exactly how they say it feels. My knees are weak and my heart rate is dangerously high, like rabid animals trying to tear their way out of me from the inside. I feel… like I'm going to be sick. It doesn't hurt any less unless I'm right beside you. Even then it hurts, but it feels…electric. I can tolerate it. But then, when you touch me, I…"

"Wait. Just stop talking, Cas."

"I can't-"

"Stop."

"I _love_ you."

"Shut up, Cas."

"Please, Dean."

"No! Just no! Use your head, Cas. This is all Famine. It's right in there. You're losing your mind to it, just like every poor hungry bastard out there. You're hungry. That's all this is. Hunger. People are killing each other. Killing themselves. Doing things they would never ordinarily do. And you're doing the same. Finding something to fill up your hunger. Just like Sam, needing that poison. I thought you were stronger than this."

"Sam is recovering from an addiction. I fail to see how you can compare me to an addict. I did nothing wrong! Nothing. I feel this way. It's pure, and it's strong. I haven't done anything about it because I would never harm you. I would rather die than harm you, and I certainly am not about to pin you to the ground and draw your blood into my own body for some bizarre need I developed. I never wanted to say this because I knew exactly how you would react. But with Cupid's figurative arrow and Famine's reflection of hunger, this is impossible for me to hide. I love you, so much. I have done all of these things, all of it, for you. I would never take that back. I killed my own kind. I followed you to the end of your world, faithfully. I don't expect you to change who you are for me, like I have for you. I don't expect you to torture yourself, like I torture myself. But I expect you not to treat me like I have a disease. I am not sick or disgusting. Something that feels like this, that hurts this deeply, it can't be a mistake."

"There's something really important that you're forgetting here. I don't sleep with dudes!" Dean shouted, getting slightly louder at the end of his speech.

Castiel's eyes still held that same pain. His lower lip quivered, mind hazy and confused. Yes, Famine did have something to do with this, but it couldn't have fabricated all of it. Could he? Something inside has to be real. _Famine wasn't around when I pulled him from Hell. Nor when I risked my own torment to defend him. No, this isn't Famine. _

"Is everything about sexuality with you?" Castiel asked, voice cracking ever so slightly. "Dean, I never said anything regarding sexual desire for you. I said I'm in love with you. If there's anything I have learned from humans, it's that they can express love for one another in various ways. In this day and age, sex has little to do with love, it seems. I want you, yes. I do. That want drives me crazy. I can almost smell your skin, just from the desire to caress it. You're… amazing." Castiel sighed, almost smiling slightly.

Dean swallowed. In all he had been through in his entire life, this was the most distressing conversation he had ever come across. _It's friendship. Cas has never had a friend before me, and now that he has one, Famine turns it into a desire. He'll be fine once we take this son of a bitch down. He's not in love with me. Sam isn't a junkie, and none of these people are so out of control that they kill themselves with their own desires._

"What do you want from me, man?" he sputtered in frustration, "I mean, how can I help?"

"I don't know, Dean. I want to… touch you. This cloud has come over me and I can't even think. I want to kiss you."

"Whoa. Easy there, Elton John." Dean stammered, placing both hands in front of himself defensively.

"I'm so embarrassed." the angel whimpered. "I can't control anything I'm saying."

"Hey, just… don't say anything for a while. Let's kill Famine, and get you back to being your old self. This is all going to seem like a bad dream." Dean declared, casting awkward glances here and there. "You want to go over the plan again?"

"I uh… take a knife, go in, and cut the ring hand off of Famine, then meet you back here in the parking lot."

"That sounds foolproof." Dean said, as Cas disappeared into the building.

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Waiting… waiting…

"This is taking too long." Dean said to himself, getting out of the car and heading into the building Cas had gone into. Slowly, quietly entering the back kitchen area, Dean slid through the door, instantly finding a dead man face down in the fryer. The smell of crisping human flesh met his nostrils. Taking a look out the serving window, Dean observed what had taken this amount of time. Castiel apparently stumbled upon a tray full of raw ground beef, stuffing piece after piece into his mouth. Dean's immediate distraction left him open to the two demons ambushing him into the kitchen. He smashed one in the mouth with the butt of his gun, while the other overcame him from behind, dragging him into the open restaurant floor. Famine. He was now face to face with it. A feeble, withered old demon, sitting in his wheelchair, oxygen tubes in his nose, guarded by demons.

"What did you do to him?" Dean asked, motioning at Cas, still sitting on the floor, piling handfuls of beef into his already full mouth.

"You sicked your dog on me. I just threw him a steak." Famine answered, in a wispy, weak voice.

"This is your big trick? Making people cookoo for Cocoa Puffs?" Dean demanded.

Doesn't take much, hardly a push. Oh, America - all-you-can-eat, all the time. Consume, consume. A swarm of locusts in stretch pants. And yet, you're all still starving because hunger doesn't just come from the body, it also comes from the soul."

"It doesn't seem to be coming from mine." Dean replied, cocky.

"I've noticed that. Do you wonder why that is?"

"I'd like to think it's because of my strength of character."

"I disagree," Famine replied, placing a hand flat into Dean's chest, drawing an aching groan from the man. "I see… that's a deep dark _nothing_ you have there. You can't fill it. Not with food, or drink, or even sex."

Famine rambled on, telling Dean how powerless he was in the world, how much fight he put up, and for nothing. _This demon doesn't know me. _

"Inside… you're already dead."

From his spot on the floor, Castiel was listening, absorbed with satisfying hunger, but hearing every word and wanting to help more than anything. _Don't listen to him, Dean. He's wrong. He knows nothing. _

"Let him go." the deep voice of Sam filled the room.

Dean's eyes snapped up. _Sammy! You're here._ He looked to his younger brother, noticing blood on Sam's face. _Oh no. Please tell me you didn't-_

"I see you got the snack I sent you." Famine said, smiling.

_Demon blood. No, Sammy why? He took demon blood again. _

"You sent?" Sam replied, no longer shaking, but very angry now.

Famine nodded, telling Sam that his desire for blood could never kill him. He could drink as much as he want. He offered Sam the blood of every demon in the room.

"Sammy no!" Dean called, trying desperately to get through Sam's clouded mind.

Sam waited, concentrating, then raised his hand to exorcize the demons from the room, ripping their black souls out of their human bodies and letting them fall to the floor before saying a simple 'no.'

"Well, if you don't want them, I'll have them…" Famine replied, opening his mouth and drawing the souls off the floor and into his own body. Demon after demon filled the tiny frame.

Sam stood quietly for a moment, waiting, then raised his hand again, prepped for another exorcism.

"I'm a horseman, Sam. Your powers won't work on me." Famine replied, satisfaction in his bitter voice.

"No… but it will work on them." Sam replied, meaning the demons Famine now carried inside his vessel. Sam clenched his fist, gripping the souls inside and tearing them out. Each soul exploded from Famine, evaporating in a black cloud. Sam's nose dripped blood until he finally let go, and Famine was dead.

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Dean, about last night…"

"Man, it's fine. We don't have to talk about it. I get it. Famine."

Castiel opened his mouth to speak, but no words came. After Famine had gone, he felt much more in control of himself. Instantly. He wasn't cramming food into his mouth, or drooling out desirous words for his only friend in the world. Sam was back in the panic room, screaming out his withdrawal pain. By all accounts, everyone was back to normal. The city went back to the way it once was, driven no more by hunger. Cas didn't care if he ever saw another burger again. Luckily being an angel spared him the horrible digestive condition that would have resulted if death hadn't happened first. But that ache, not the ache of hunger in his stomach, that _other_ ache still throbbed inside, almost too dull to notice. But Cas noticed it, and wanted nothing more than to press down the new pain of rejection and be normal again. Just as long as Dean would still be his friend in the end.

"Famine." He agreed.

End of Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

_Going faster, palms are getting sweaty_

_I'm feeling this terrible cold._

_Hold on to me_

_Calm down, my heart is beating steady_

_And I think I've got it under control._

_Hold on to me_

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Lights. Everywhere there were lights of as many color as one could imagine. People. Interesting new smells. The sounds of machines. Laughter.

Dean called it a carnival. Between jobs, the Winchesters decided to catch the local carnival, bringing Castiel along for the ride. He'd never been to a carnival, never seen one, and had never known what one was until just then. There were people wandering around happily, and these tall things…machines covered in light and scurvy looking men and women at the control panels.

"What's that?" Cas asked, pointing toward a gigantic wheel, reaching into the sky.

Sam laughed, amused by the fact that there was a person on this planet that had never heard of carnivals.

"It's a ferris wheel. One of the rides here. I love it… want to go with me a little later? Dean is scared of heights."

Cas nodded, watching as Dean disappeared over to the concession stand for a beer.

The night went on with such fun, two grown men and one ancient angel acting like children, running around in glee, riding rides, winning games. At one point, nearly 10:00 at night, Castiel ran into the brothers that had just gotten off a ride, and he was carrying what looked like a pillow of cotton candy.

"This… is amazing. It's a cloud, and it's sweet. I have already eaten three!" Castiel laughed to himself, very amused.

"You discovered sugar." Dean noted, taking a sip of his fourth beer.

"I love it. By the way. I want to go on that." He said, pointing to a ride full of cages that were being flipped and banged around in a circle. It looked like something of a skinny, violent version of the ferris wheel, which Castiel experienced earlier that night. The view of the night sky, and the sensation of Sam rocking the seat was exhilarating.

"You're on. I always have to go by myself because Sammy doesn't like the flipping."

"Here, Sam. Guard this with your life." Cas muttered, handing his candy over to the laughing, semi-drunk brother, then followed Dean in hot pursuit to the line. Once at the ride, the two of them were locked into a small cage together, to which Cas mentioned that it was an 'intimate' sort of enclosure. Dean laughed.

"Trust me, it won't be when it gets going."

After a few moments of awkward silence, at least Cas found it awkward, the ride started up, and the speed increased. The cage banged and flipped and rose toward the sky, then came rolling back down only to repeat the same process. Dean noticed amongst his wooing that Cas was actually laughing. He looked to his side as the cage flipped and the angel smiled back at him. _Riding the Zipper with an angel. _He laughed at this thought. _Cas never had an ounce of fun in his life. I don't think I have ever heard him laugh, or seen him smile that broadly. _Something about this Dean found appealing, leaning his head back and enjoying the ride.

Afterward, they played darts, to which Castiel excelled. The brothers continued to laugh and get steadily drunker by the night.

"This place is very colorful. Note the woman standing over there. She belongs here." Castiel motioned to the vibrant figure standing by the fun house. Posted tall on 6 inch heels, bright blue eyeshadow, incredibly pink cheeks, and red lips. She had on a mini skirt, glittery fishnet stockings and a plastic white tube top. She smiled, blowing a kiss in the angel's direction.

"Go for it, tiger." Dean said, holding back fits of laughter.

"Don't, Cas. That's not a woman." Sam said, gripping his shoulder before he could step forward.

"But she's wearing a-"

"That's a drag queen."

"A queen?"

"A DRAG queen." Sam groaned, trying to keep out of 'her' earshot.

"What's that?" Castiel asked, cocking his head in confusion, stuffing more 'sweet clouds' into his mouth.

"It's a gay man that has way too much fashion sense for one gender."

Castiel took a moment to process this, then nodded, still slightly confused and followed the brothers back to the concessions for more beer.

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Well a fine predicament you've gotten us in." Cas nagged, as the two stumbling drunk Winchesters followed him to the car, laughing. "You're both too drunk to drive back to the motel." Castiel himself had not drank anything the entire night.

"Thanks for the update, Big Ben." Dean muttered, drawing laughter from Sam and then laughing himself.

"Well, we're going to have to use my form of travel." Cas said, placing his fingers on each of their foreheads.

"No. NO!" Dean swiped him away.

"I know the constipation that follows is uncomfortable, but unless you want to walk-"

"No, we can't do that here. Dean can't go through the woods." Sam informed, snorting and trying to hold back another fit of giggles.

"What? Why?" Cas wondered.

"Sammy, don't you do it." Dean said, starting to wrestle with his brother.

"Because… when Dean was 13, we were here, and… and… a moose bit him!" Sam struggled out the story, avoiding Dean's hand that tried to cover his mouth, then letting out another strangled cry of laughter.

Castiel, having never exploded in emotion surprised both Winchesters by cracking into a fit of uncontrolled laughter. "Dean, I'm so sorry." He gasped for air through the giggles that took over, almost screaming in pain when his ribs began to cramp. "I'm so sorry for laughing-" More laughter broke between he and Sam. "That must have been so…traumatic! But that's-" he drew a deep breath, "That's the funniest thing I have ever heard! It BIT you?! Why?! Did you provoke it?"

Dean stood exasperated while Castiel and his brother laughed at his expense. "Yeah, laugh it up, you hacks."

Breathing heavily, maintaining his composure only for a minute, he asked, "And why now, Dean? You can't walk in this town at night… still to this day… because you think *snort* because you think this moose is still _waiting _for you?!"

"They travel in roving gangs!" Sam burst, before sinking against the car, holding his sides.

"You guys are assholes." Dean muttered. "And Cas… you're driving."

Castiel's face went from laughter, to a slightly amused smile, to disbelief when Dean's expression didn't change.

"Excuse me?"

"You're driving us back to the motel."

"But…I don't-" he started. _I have never driven a car in my life. Not once. Not even when Jimmy was still around to explain it. It's dangerous to drive when I don't know how. Dean loves this car. How am I going to-_

"I'm going to teach you. Get in." Dean said, stumbling into the passenger seat.

Stiffly, nervously, Castiel slipped into the driver's seat, closing the door. He sat, rigid, that same terrified expression in his eyes as when Dean led him into a whorehouse.

"The car looks… so much bigger from here." he sighed, taking in a deep breath while Sam sat himself in the back. \

"We're all going to die." Sam joked, elbowing Cas before giggling.

Castiel's breath hitched, getting heavier.

"Take it easy, Cas. Don't miscarry, now." Dean muttered, patting his friend's thigh, very drunk indeed.

"Miscar- I'm not pregnant." Castiel informed, drawing a fit of laughter from both brothers that was now very frustrating.

"Shhh. Just start the car. What you're gonna do is look at the foot pedals. There's one way on the left, and that's the clutch. Push your foot on that, and put your other foot on the middle pedal. That's the break." Cas followed his instructions.

"Now turn the key until the car starts."

Taking another deep breath in and holding it, he reached up, and turned the key. The engine fired right up, and the radio came on.

"_I'm burnin, I'm burnin, I'm burnin for you."_

Castiel turned down the volume. "That's enough, you oddly-uncanny-car-radio."

The beginning part was complicated. It was very touch and go and Cas wasn't sure if he would be able to get out of the parking lot, but he only stalled the car twice, before making it to the open road. _I'm driving a car._ Starting to relax, he turned the radio up and without thinking about it, pressed the channel button. A familiar tune swept the air, and without knowing it, Castiel nodded his head rhythmically to it and sang to himself quietly. Oddly, it helped him relax, and the gravel in his voice matched that of the vocalist.

"_But the day may come, when you've got something to lose  
And just when you think that you're done paying dues  
You say to yourself 'dear God what have I done'  
And you pray its not too late, cause tomorrow may never cooooooommmmme  
Reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come."_

"Cas are you singing?" Sam asked from the back seat.

"Sorry. It… uh, relaxes me."

"I didn't know angels listened to music."

"I heard this song once before. It was something Jimmy liked, believe it or not."

"Once?" Sam asked, "You've heard it once and you know all the words?"

Cas nodded, "I learn quickly."

Sam smiled, amused, and listened to Castiel sing to himself again, and then drunkly decided to do backup. His voice wasn't as deep as Cas's, but if he dropped it to the dramatic level of the LARPing guys at the convention, he managed to match voices. Dean looked at them oddly, but joined in moments later, and all three men were singing like fools, driving down a long, dark road, toward a shabby motel. Two drunk men on borrowed time and a renegade angel. Misfits, but very happy at that exact moment. The three of them danced in their seats from the waist up. _I've never had such a wonderful day in my life, _Castiel told himself.

"_So if you please, take this moment  
Try if you can to make it last.  
Don't think about no future, and just forget about the past,  
And make it laaaaaaaast (Sam: aaaaaaahhhhhhh)  
Reach for the sky, cause tomorrow may never cooooooommmeee  
(Reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come)"_

Make it last. _Make it last._ Dean looked directly into Castiel's eyes at this moment. It was an odd, surreal moment, sending electricity through Cas's organs, and he locked eyes back with the road and drove on.

By the time they reached the motel, Sam was passed out in the back, and Cas hoisted him into the room and laid him on one bed before a playfully drunk Dean wrestled the angel onto the other one.

"Dean, what are you-" He started, wrestling with his precious human, ending up on his back, before a warm body flattened over his. Strong hands held his wrists, and a soft mouth covered his. Castiel's eyes shot open wide, shocked, before pleasure swept over him and his eyes closed, letting him fade into the sensation of it. _This is kissing. We're kissing. This is really happening. Not a fantasy, not an illusion. I'm laying under Dean Winchester and we're kissing._ A quiet moan escaped his lips, and he didn't want to think too terribly about this, or even open his eyes for fear that somehow it would be gone.

When the kiss finally broke after what didn't seem like a long enough time, Castiel's eyelids slid open, staring up half-lidded at Dean, who looked down at those curious blue eyes for only moments before dropping down to claim the skin exposed on Cas's neck.

"What if Sam wakes up?" he asked, turning his head to eye the brother sleeping only feet away, which only offered Dean more flesh to draw into his mouth and bite gently.

"He won't." Dean confirmed, almost breathlessly, rolling his hips down against Cas's, bringing his crotch against the other's, ellicting a gasp from the both of them, before crashing their mouths back together, driving his tongue past Castiel's lips and into the still sweet-tasting cavern. Dean's breath, on the other hand, tasted of beer, which was oddly arousing Cas's senses. Dean maneuvered to where one hand clasped both of the angel's wrists above his head, while the other hand brushed up Cas's inner thigh to grasp the solid bulge in the front of his pants.

"Wait. Dean, wait." Cas panted, "You're drunk."

"So?" Dean asked, placing sloppy kisses up the other man's jaw line.

"You're not in your right mind. I don't want you to regret doing something like this later. I don't want your drunkness to be an excuse."

"I know what I'm doing, Cas."

"I can't. I mean… If I were to do what it seems like you're suggesting we do… with you in this condition, I would feel like I was raping you."

Dean sputtered out a laugh.

"Listen to me, Dean. If later on, you feel the same desire for me… I'll give you anything you request of me."

"But not tonight?"

"I'm sorry. I…just want this to be…_done right._ I'm still a virgin. I never pictured, _this_ happening, you know… intercourse. But I definitely never pictured myself doing this for the first round with a… intoxicated person, not in his or her proper spectrum of judgment."

"Well…shit." Dean muttered.

"We can still kiss." Cas offered quickly, before flushing with renewed embarrassment. "What I mean is, if you'd like to. We've already passed that point of no return."

"You're a good man, Cas."

"Thank you."

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Castiel was awake before the sun, going for a long walk in the surrounding woods. The night before, he hadn't slept. It was almost 3:00am before the group had even arrived at the motel, and Dean had only fallen asleep at 4:15. A smile broke over Cas's face as he walked. _My first kiss lasted for over an hour._ He'd never felt anything like what was happening inside. Humans called it butterflies in the stomach. It had been exhilarating, almost describable as a beautiful moment. Nervousness had set in only just after the wave of his passions had washed away. _There's no denial in assuming Dean was very drunk. What I did, I should not have done. But… I love him. _He wondered to himself if anything was going to have changed today, for better or for worse. As long as it wasn't the latter, for worse, Cas could get through whatever happened. _I just… I just won't say anything about it unless he does. _

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

SONG CREDITS:

Hold On 2 Me- Twiztid  
Reach for the Sky- Social Distortion


	4. Chapter 4

Warning for male/male sexual situations. Takes place right after the Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid episode, so it contains spoilers if you haven't seen this yet. Please review, etc. I want to know if I did okay. I'm always so self-conscious about my erotic scenes.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Just as he'd expected, Dean didn't make eye contact with him later that day. Could it be that they were just busy, or maybe he was too drunk and forgot all about it? _No, he was drunk, but not that drunk. He remembers kissing me. _Castiel shrugged off the slight confusion and continued on about his missions, showing up sporadically from day to day to check on the Winchesters and help them in any way they needed. Apparently they were having some trouble with zombies. _Zombies? The dead are walking the Earth, now. Bobby of all people should be losing his mind. But his wife is back from the grave. She seems normal. They all do. This is not going to end well._

Like a psychic, Cas was right in his thinking, right along with the Winchesters. The zombies turned on their families, developed insane hunger and dropped from the friendly undead right into horror movie zombie mode. Sam and Dean took up arms and helped the sheriff when it came to re-killing her son after he _ate_ out her husband's throat. One by one, they all lost it. Everybody knew it was only a matter of time, a short matter of time, before Bobby Singer had to face the music and kill his wife for the second time in his life.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The day Cas came back was the day after all the dead were put back into the ground. Bobby's house had a silence hung over it, sadness. He ran into Dean in the upstairs hallway. Almost nobody used the upstairs area of the house anymore. It was apparent by the fresh footprints interrupting the dust on the wood floors, floors that were dry and warped. Dean must have heard the fluttering of wings.

"Bobby killed his wife… again." Dean started, quietly. He didn't want the grieving man downstairs to hear a word of it. Bobby was edgy, and preferred if nobody spoke to him about her second death. He was the type of man that liked to mourn in silence. Castiel couldn't help but wonder if this is where Dean got his, "Let's not do feelings" mentality that escaped the more sensitive Sam.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too." Dean continued, sullen. He cared a great deal for Bobby. Bobby had been a better father to him than John ever was, and it pained him to see that there was nothing he could do to help. But that was how it is with mourning, you can be there when they need you but you can't unburden a person from their pain.

"How… how is he?" Cas asked, taking a step closer to keep his deep voice from having to go any louder to be heard.

"He's taking it rough as anyone would. But he's tough, and stubborn. He will get through it. He always does when something happens. Old son of a bitch."

"I can't help but be reminded of you when anything threatens to harm Sam."

Dean looked up from his thoughts, now involved at the mention of two of his buzzwords: _threaten_ and _Sam._ It was true. Sam really was his weakness, and had been from the time they were children, when Dean had to grow up and be a man basically overnight. When John took off on his hunts, he always said to look after Sammy, threateningly sometimes, and though it annoyed him not to live as a normal kid, he loved his brother, and almost didn't need to be told to protect him.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You looked at me for a split second, and then stared off into space without blinking. It's unnerving."

"I have a lot going on right now. This thing with Bobby, whether or not my brother is going to give away his soul…"

"If you need to-"

"No, Cas. I don't want to talk about it."

The silence that followed was an awkward one. Both men stood in that same dark hallway for what felt like ages, looking at pictures on the wall, curling wallpaper, doorknobs, before Cas spoke again.

"This is my favorite place in this house."

Dean raised his eyebrow, asking 'why' without using any actual words.

"It's all alone up here, like another planet. It's almost forgotten, but it reflects a part of Bobby. This part of the house is where his memories are painted. There's something forlorn about it."

"Okay Picasso. I didn't realize I was talking to a fruity artist."

Castiel sighed, but decided not to pursue an argument with Dean in the fragile state he was in. He let the comment go and told himself that this was how Dean self-medicated. Sarcasm, insults. It wasn't truly meant to be cruel.

Before another uncomfortable quietness seeped into the house, a radio downstairs had been turned on, most likely by Bobby, to drown out any sobs that might have escaped his lips before sinking into a drunken sleep. That was the only reason there could have been for the volume that it was turned to, quite loud, clearly audible in any room of the large home.

"_Girl.. Been a long time that we've been apart, much too long for a man who needs love. I miss you since I've been away…"_

"Hey, Scorpions." Dean said, slightly smiling and pointing one finger up toward the ceiling as if that was where the music was coming from. The pair couldn't hear Bobby mutter 'balls' to himself, but they were sure he would have said something like that. Yet, he didn't change the channel, and the classic rock tune continued.

"_Babe, it wasn't easy to leave you alone, It's getting harder each time I go. If I had the choice I would stay…"_

Their eyes met briefly, like they had before when suggestive songs came on the radio, quickly averting their glances somewhere else.

"_There's no one like you. I can't wait for the nights with you."_

Castiel looked at Dean again. He wanted to, and it was usually Dean that broke their gazes anyway. But the electricity that hung in the air was undeniable. It was tension, building like a fog around the two of them and making it almost difficult to breathe. It was the first time they'd been alone together since the night they kissed.

"Dean." Cas said quietly. It wasn't a whisper or a command. It just needed to be said. Angels had ways of reading people, not their thoughts, but the aura they give off, and Dean was seconds from bolting. Something needed to anchor him into facing this train head on.

Dean looked up one more time, making eye contact this time, nodding once.

"Cas." He replied, acknowledging he was still held back, and was not going to run down the stairs at top speed.

"_I imagine the things we'll do. I just want to be loved by youuuuu. No one like you!" _

Both swallowed, almost at the exact same time, the lump in their throats contagious and memories of how damn good that night of drunken kissing felt. It was almost a craving now, a hunger, a need. _Maybe just one more. _

Dean stepped forward, the dominant sort of man he was, bridging the gap between them, using one hand to grip Cas's backwards tie, as he brought their lips together in that all too familiar kiss, with the same mixture of heat and cold as before shooting up his spine and into his brain. A gasp escaped the smaller man and in surprise, he stepped back one pace, backing into the wall. Dean followed, not breaking the kiss, instead he intensified it by placing his free hand at the back of Castiel's neck, holding him in place, trapping him between the wall and his own solid body. After the shock of the moment worked its way out of the angel's system, he softened, and wrapped both arms around the taller man's waist, tilting his head back and allowing access to his mouth just as he had done before. _I missed this, Dean. I missed you. _

Alcohol had nothing to do with the intoxication shared by them now, but the intimacy between the two was rapidly intensifying, almost to a dizzying level. Heat burned in both of them, and detonated at just this moment, where all the tension shared between them before translated into pure, deep, desire for closeness, for everything. Like a forest fire, it was swiftly spreading out of control, as both men pressed together, tongues struggling for dominance between their mouths before lips closed and parted.

"_Really no words strong enough, to describe all my longing for love. I don't want my feelings restrained."_

Castiel gasped a second time as Dean's cold hands plunged up under his shirt, tracing icy trails over warm, sensitive skin. He again ground their groins together as he bit into the smooth stretch of skin on the angel's neck, letting go to place kisses on the reddened bite marks.

"Dean" Cas moaned, pulling back momentarily.

"Yea?"

"My pants are… painfully tight." he muttered, looking at the floor, having learned a thing or two about human embarrassment.

Panting, Dean too pulled back to assess the problem. 'Painfully tight' seemed like an understatement. Upon looking down at the crotch of Castiel's slacks, they appeared ready to tear at the seam.

_Okay, _Dean thought, _time to nut up or shut up._

"Okay," he said aloud, taking a deep breath and unfastening Cas's belt at record speed, followed by the closing hook and had the zipper halfway down before the angel tensed.

"Dean."

"What?" Dean sighed in horny exasperation.

"You're about to take my pants off in the hallway of Bobby's house."

"Yeah?"

"Well, Bobby can't make it up the stairs, but what if Sam.."

"Point taken." Dean replied, motioning toward the door beside where they were standing.

"That's a linen closet." Cas replied, arousal making sentences difficult to form.

Dean shrugged, and choosing another door, pulled Cas into one of the spare bedrooms in Bobby's three bedroom house.

Once inside, the two joined back into kissing against the nearest wall, this time with Dean backed against it, and Cas free to press into the bigger man. Dean pulled off Cas's trench coat and abandoned it on the floor as his hands continued to explore. This room was dusty and rather small, only a full-sized bed furnishing it. The room was much closer to a large closet, truth be told. _Screw it, it will work, _Dean told himself. Besides, it would have been very disrespectful to choose the room Bobby used to share with his wife when she was alive. That room had not been used in years. Back to his thoughts, he again reached for the zipper of Cas's pants, letting them fall to the floor, revealing equally tight underwear. _Yeah, Cas. You would be the type to wear boxer-briefs._

"Wait. Let me," Cas's gruff voice uttered nervously, getting down on his haunches to remove his shoes, kicking off his pants in the process. He repositioned onto his knees and came just above eye level to the equally tightened crotch of Dean's pants, though the denim material did a better job of concealing an erection than polyester slacks did.

Experimental hands slowly ran their way up the front of Dean's legs, Castiel's right arm wrapping around the left thigh, partly to be closer to Dean, and partly to steady his own dizziness. His left hand roamed under the front of the human's gray t-shirt to trace fingertips over hard abs. Single handedly, Cas unfastened the button and fly of Dean's pants, letting them sag slightly, before lifting the hem of his shirt to place kisses over exposed skin. He looked up warily, hoping that if Dean met eyes with him, it would tell him that this was okay, he was doing well and to keep going. Their eyes did meet, and though Dean didn't say anything, gently shifting his hips forward told Castiel that he wanted this.

Cas's right arm left its place around Dean's thigh to allow his right hand to calmly let his fingertips slip into the waistband of his beloved's plaid boxers before brushing against something warm and moist, causing Dean to inhale sharply. Cas quickly drew his hand back and took in another breath, steadying his nerves before flattening his palm over the stiff bulge still concealed by cloth. Not waiting to become nervous again, he set to caressing up and down before Dean gripped his own pants and underwear together, pulling them down to mid-thigh and offering to Cas the fullness of his length

"Touch, Cas." Dean sighed.

Slightly taken back by Dean's sudden control of the situation, but relieved at having his guess-work removed, he swallowed once and then carefully ran his fingers down the underside of Dean's cock, drawing a soft sigh from the other man. Dean's eyes closed and he leaned his head back against the wall, absorbing the sensation of Castiel's palm rubbing him into even deeper solidity.

After what seemed like being in Heaven, Dean's eyes snapped back open at the feeling of Castiel's lips where his hand once was. The sensation was soft at first, just a kiss, before Dean looked down to see blue eyes looking up at him and a tongue slip once over the tip of his organ. His hips jerked forward involuntarily and a muffled _Mmff_ jumped from his throat. _Goddamn, he looks so sexy,_ Dean thought to himself, watching as Cas took the head into his mouth, sucked briefly, and released with a popping sound.

"Mmm Cas…" Dean moaned, semi-embarrassed at the drop of his manliness at that moment.

"Do you like this?" Cas asked, repeating the same motion.

"Yes…_more_"

Castiel obliged and took more into his mouth, toying with the most pleasurable amount of suction. His tongue swirled around the head and along the vein on the underside of Dean's cock, taking as much in as comfortable without gagging, holding Dean's hips against the wall to keep him from thrusting too roughly. The taste of the fluid oozing out was new, salty but not unbearable. Castiel could see himself liking this flavor, and _loving_ the sound of Dean's moans. He was still trying to hold it back, but here and there, moans would escape.

_How could anything feel this damn good? _Dean's thoughts were a mile a minute, but also so hard to grip that he was barely thinking at all, at least not anything other than, _I want you, Castiel._

"Wait." Dean sighed, placing a hand in Cas's hair, gently pulling him back. The angel looked up at him, concerned. "I was about to…explode" Dean said, stroking his hand down the side of Cas's face. "Come here." Before Cas could protest, Dean pulled him back to his feet, turning to where Cas's back was once again to the wall. Their lips joined again as Dean's hands traveled to pull the smaller man's underwear down, letting them slide to his ankles. The warm contact of naked laps pressing together drew another gasp from Cas, allowing Dean an opportunity to slip his tongue into the angels mouth before rubbing their bare shafts together, letting the oozing fluid they were both emitting coat their throbbing flesh. Without breaking their kiss, Dean pulled off Castiel's tie and set to work on the buttons of his shirt before stopping.

"Whoa." Dean groaned, rolling his eyes up to meet Cas's from where they were previously.

"What is it?" Cas asked.

"You're…big."

"Did you just call me fat?"

"No Cas, I mean…big." Dean said again, pointing downward.

Castiel cleared his throat, "Yes… I suppose so." He tried not to make a big deal about it. It wasn't monstrous, but Jimmy had been rather endowed, a bit more so than Dean had been. It didn't matter, and Cas kind of wanted to distract Dean from this.

He took the hem of Dean's shirt and pulled it up over his head, pulling their bodies once again together before placing kisses over his left shoulder and collarbone, while Dean maneuvered between them to pull Castiel's shirt back, letting it slide down his arms as much as it could, before it needed a helpful pull before sailing to the floor.

Dean took control again, backing Cas against the edge of the bed that probably had not been sat on in years, which he slowly sank down onto, to avoid sending a cloud of dust into the air. Dean followed carefully, and the two situated to where they were laying, Dean on top of Cas just like the first night they kissed. Dean lowered to kiss him again and positioned himself between the angel's thighs. Cas hissed in a sharp breath of air, trying to mask trembling that was very hard to control.

"Cold?" Dean asked.

"No. I'm nervous." Cas replied. He wanted to say a lot more, but also didn't want to ruin the mood with his concerns and lack of confidence.

Dean smirked. This happened plenty of times before, being the experienced one, but until now it was always with women. It couldn't be much different.

"Shh" Dean whispered, nudging Castiel's legs apart, pushing the tip of his length against Cas's entrance, causing his eyes to widen momentarily before he turned his head to the side, not wanting Dean to see his panic. _This is about to happen. Yes, it does feel much better with Dean than the idea of losing my virginity to a prostitute, but I can't help but feel…afraid._

While in deep thought, Dean took Castiel's hand and placed it over his own length that throbbed against his stomach. Cas looked up at Dean, confused.

"It's okay." Dean whispered, still covering Cas's hand with his own, moving up and down slowly, helping the angel pump his own shaft at a pleasurable pace, until he didn't need to guide anymore and removed his hand, taking in the sight of Castiel masturbating under him. _That ought to distract him from what's probably going to hurt,_ Dean thought. He'd never had anything enter his body before, but women have told him that it hurts at first, and though the two of them had a rocky relationship, he didn't want to do anything to intentionally harm Cas.

Holding himself up with his right arm, Dean used his left hand to grip the angel's hip, steadying himself before slowly pushing his way past intense tightness and into the warmth of Castiel's body, trying to ignore the sharp intake of breath and the look of Cas's eyes closing tightly. Past the point of no return, he continued to push in until fully sheathed inside, the front of his thighs compressed against the backs of Castiel's. The two simultaneously exhaled the breath they'd been holding.

"You okay?" Dean asked, stilling himself for a moment even though every impulse told him how good it would feel to pull out and then thrust back in and pound Cas into the next world.

His eyes opened briefly, and looking up at Dean, he nodded.

"Does it hurt?"

Cas shook his head to say 'no' and he wasn't lying. It didn't actually hurt. The feeling was more pressure and fullness than anything else. Being an angel had to have something to do with this, because it seemed like it would be painful for an ordinary human. His left hand went to rest on the back of Dean's head, pulling him down into another kiss that would distract him from the feeling of his body accommodating the invasion.

Not able to wait through the feeling of being squeezed mercilessly, Dean shifted his hips to pull out ever so slightly before pushing back in. Each thrust pulled out a little farther and shoved in a little harder, keeping it gentle until he felt Cas meeting his thrusts by pushing against them. He knew it started feeling good when Castiel let go of his own shaft to run his hands up and down Dean's bare back, taking time to kiss the bigger man between moans. The two were both moaning at this point, letting pleasure sweep over their bodies. Dean had lowered himself closer to Cas, so that the angel's cock was trapped between the friction of their abs rubbing together.

"Dean…" Castiel moaned, thoughts clouded by pleasure, to where he almost was unsure of what he was just thinking or what he was actually saying. Heat was crashing throughout his entire body, pooling at his groin and tightening his throat, so that moans now came out as whimpers.

"Dean, I love you."

He didn't speak, but exhaled in surprise. Nobody had never said this to him during sex. Not once. It was a shock.

"Castiel…" Dean sighed, burying his face into the crook between the smaller man's neck and shoulder, kissing gently to contrast with the intensifying thrusts that could have lasted for hours, neither of them knew. It felt so good it could have lasted forever.

"Dean, I'm… something is…" Cas panted, not sure at all what he was trying to say. The heat was becoming unbearable, and he partly felt like he might throw up, but that wasn't it. This was like nothing he had ever felt and all he could think to do was cling to Dean and hope to get through this.

"You're gonna come?" Dean asked, gruff voice almost purring this.

Castiel nodded. He wasn't even sure what that meant. But Dean knew. _Something_ was certainly going to happen, maybe this was it. Cas's head pounded and his skin broke out with goose bumps as his vision became black and his body was ripped into frantic contractions. Unable to breathe, he clutched Dean as tightly as he could, riding the waves of pleasure, feeling something warm and wet spilling between their bodies.

Dean wasn't far behind. The way Cas's body tightened and heated even more than before was too much to control. Rolling with the clutches of orgasm, he thrust into the body under him, filling the angel's hollow insides with warm, white seed, finally collapsing atop the smaller body. Both men lay together, panting in embrace, basking in the after-glow of their delight.

"Dean…" Castiel whispered.

"Yeah?"

"We made love." Castiel said, matter-of-factly, as if reading it from a book and making a discovery, staring straight at the ceiling.

Dean chuckled to himself. "Yeah, that's one way to put it." He pulled the dusty blanket over top of them, which would have sounded gross if he wasn't so exhausted.

"I'm sleepy, Cas." Dean muttered, his eyes closing as he wrapped his still nude body around his angel.

"Sleep, Dean. I'll be here with you in the morning." Castiel whispered, watching the human fade into sleep, though he himself barely blinked the entire night, soaking in what had just happened between he and his dearest friend.

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

SONG CREDITS:

No One Like You- The Scorpions


	5. Chapter 5

Takes place during "99 Problems", contains spoilers, but not many. Contains mentions of male/male sexual situations, though not in graphic detail.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"You're up late." Sam said from the kitchen when Dean came down the stairs at almost 10:00 that morning.

"Yup." Dean replied.

"Where'd you go last night? I was looking for you." Sam asked, wondering why the hell he was even upstairs this morning in the first place. _Nobody ever uses the upstairs._

"I decided to take a walk. I couldn't sleep." Dean said, looking around the room for Bobby who must not have gotten up yet.

"You smell like sex." Sam said in a confrontational tone, sniffing the air once and then crinkling his nose at the unpleasant scent.

Dean sniffed too, noticing the faint musk coming from him. _What are you, Sam, pregnant? How can you smell it from all the way over there? _

"Well, I…"

"On his brisk constitutional, he came across a whore… a filthy…filthy whore…" Cas muttered, from the corner of the room.

The two brothers looked over at the straight-faced angel, and Sam's eyes went from Dean to Cas and back to Dean. Dean looked back at Sam, nodding along with Castiel's explanation.

"Yep, what a wild, sexy bitch that one was." Dean said, a broad smile crossing his face.

Cas was looking at the floor, like he usually did, but Dean could see a smirk creep over the left corner of his mouth before his expression straightened.

"Cas, when did you get here? And what's with your hair? It's…messier than usual." Sam asked, looking more confused by the moment. _Things are weird today. _

Castiel cleared his throat. "Dean isn't the only one that likes to walk at night… except where I was walking, the peak of Mount Everest, it was daytime."

"Mount Everest?" Sam asked, raising his eyebrow in disbelief.

"I don't sleep, so finding a high summit to collect my thoughts is the next best thing. Almost nobody up there at any time of the year. I could stroll nude if I wished."

Sam blinked a couple of times, shaking the image of that out of his head.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The next couple weeks of life was so packed full of crap that there was almost no time for rest. Angry hunters figured out that it was Sam's fault Lucifer rose from his cage and they were out for revenge. After finding both of the Winchesters dead, he knew they would go to Heaven, not because they'd never sinned, but because he knew Zachariah would want to get in touch with them and try bullying Dean into accepting his role as Michael's vessel. _Poor stupid Zachariah. You don't know that man well at all. Dean is a stone. If he says he won't submit, then he won't and there's nothing to be done about it. He is not going to say yes to them. He'd never surrender. _

Castiel, having been banished from the kingdom of Heaven was not allowed to help the two of them personally, but he found a way to communicate with them from the living part of Earth. Apparently he could patch through into electronics on the other side, which was extremely difficult being that he almost couldn't work a toaster. The only time he watched TV was when it was left on by somebody else. He'd heard that the angel that maintained the Garden of Heaven, Joshua had actually spoken to God. He would help the Winchesters. So he thought. He couldn't wait until the two came back. Looking at their lifeless corpses in the hotel room, bloody and ridden with buckshot. It was terribly depressing, especially with Dean who died with his eyes open. Usually dead people didn't bother the angel at all. It was just part of being a human, but he didn't even want to approach the Winchesters. Something about it felt like if he touched either of them, they would stay dead.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Maybe…maybe Joshua was lying." Castiel said, standing against the partition in the hotel room wall.

Dean knew it was going to be like this as soon as he came gasping back to life. He didn't want to be the one to break it to Cas, that God was not going to help them. Joshua told the Winchesters in the garden that God saw their pain, and that he didn't think the apocalypse was His problem. He turned away from the human race, and they were on their own. It was hard to explain it to the angel, that so desperately wanted to have faith in his Father. It was no different than back when Sam would point out John's failings. The same light drained from Castiel's eyes as it did with Dean. Sam saw this. Dean saw this. It was crushing. Cas really believed that God was there for them, that he loved them and wanted to help them. But he was wrong. Everything he was felt like a lie. He had been an angel, obedient until he met the Winchesters. Even then, he did everything he could think to do, just to help his favorites of his Father's creations. Now what? Now where would he go? What would he do? God abandoned them.

"I don't think he was, Cas. I'm sorry." Sam said sincerely. This was the second time he was going to have to walk a man through the fact that his father was a dead-beat.

Castiel sighed, lowering his head and looking at the floor. Dean watched, feeling like this was absolutely his own life and his own disappointment replaying in front of him. He wanted to reach out to his friend, but really, what was there to do? How could he have helped? There's no Hallmark card that says, 'Sorry Daddy doesn't love you' that could make it all better. He needed to deal with this himself, just like Dean did, with liquor when the ghosts of his childhood came rearing their hideous faces.

"You son of a bitch…" Cas whispered, eyes to the roof of the room, eyeing the sky, where maybe God was listening. "I believed in…" he trailed off, looking back down at the floor.

_Oh damn. You're not gonna cry, are you, man?_ Dean wondered. _Please don't. I don't handle crying very well. _

"I don't need this anymore." Cas said, handing Dean's pendant he had borrowed forward. "It's worthless." He added when Dean took it back. _Hey, no it isn't,_ Dean wanted to say. _I got it from Sammy, for being a better man to him than our dad. _He wished it would have provided the same comfort to Cas as it did on the day he received it for Christmas. But he didn't say anything back. It's stupid to correct someone when they're talking out of hurt.

"Cas, wait.." Sam started, but the angel before them had already vanished. He sighed, waiting. After a moment of silence, it was apparent that Sam was not giving up.

"We'll find another way. We can still stop all this, Dean."

"How?"

"I don't know, but we'll find it. You and me." Sam finished, as Dean gave him a look, telling him to shut up. He walked past his younger brother, dropping the old charm on a rope into the trashcan on the way out the door. _What the Hell, Dean? Why are you so mad? You never believed in God in the first place. _

No, he never had. Dean had his reasons for never having faith in God, but he had developed faith in Cas. He'd prayed to this man, shared intimacy with him in secret. As much as he didn't want to admit it out loud, things weren't the same as the first day they met, when he plunged a knife into the angel's heart. Castiel's sadness bothered him as badly as Bobby's or Sam's sadnesses. Somehow, at some point along the way, the angel wormed his way into Dean's brain and he was powerless to stop the process of caring for Cas. He was grateful. If it weren't for that dick with wings, he would still be suffering in Hell, screaming as his flesh peeled from the bone. So yes, his pain wasn't for God's failings. His pain was for Castiel, and how sadly alike they were. _I've walked that floor before. Sam was telling me this whole time, what our Dad was like. I was so damn close to the situation that I didn't see it. I would always jump to his defense, and punish Sammy for what I knew was right. No matter what that son of a bitch did, I looked up to Dad. I did everything he said and he didn't give me the time of day._

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The two hadn't seen Cas in what felt like a long time, honestly it had only been two short weeks. Sam and Dean found themselves in a tiny town being ravished with demons along the outskirts. The people were holding up in the town's church, and lo and behold, they discovered another prophet in the mix. She was a pretty girl, Leah Gideon, the Reverend's daughter. Normally, Dean would have been rating her on the way she looked, stating that she was too damn churchy for him, but his mood was in the toilet lately. The people of this town were barely holding on. They were dying on a daily basis. Dean watched one of the young guys in town, Dillon, be ripped under the Impala. He didn't make it back home. Leah was getting the 'prophet quakes' and the angels were filling her head with these stupid new rules for the town to follow. It was starting to make people crazy. The town almost changed overnight, from a fun-loving group on their last leg, to pious morons following along with the angels, in fear of their own damnation.

Sam was alone in their hotel room, while Dean stepped out. He'd been doing a lot of that, lately. He always needed to clear his thoughts now. The stress of the whole 'Michael's Sword' situation was getting to his head. Everyday, he saw people in pain. It must be crushing him. The opening leading them out was getting so small. He couldn't reach Dean anymore. They needed help, and Sam knew it. He called Cas, and he waited, until it seemed like they were all alone, because a broken angel was not going to come to their aid.

"I got your message." came a low voice from in front of the fridge.

Sam spun around in surprise, then sighed a breath of relief to see Castiel standing there, bracing himself on the fridge's open door.

"Long message… and I find the sound of your voice… grating." Cas continued, swaying about where he stood slightly.

"What's wrong with you?" Sam asked, "Are you… drunk?"

Cas looked to Sam through bloodshot eyes, irritated.

"No." He said smartly, staggering forward and gripping the wall partition to keep from falling face first onto the floor. "…yes." He corrected, looking at Sam as if to say, 'what are you going to do about it?'

"What the hell happened to you?" Sam asked, taking a step forward in concern.

"I… found a liquor store."

"And?"

"And I drank it!" Castiel replied, tired of Sam's mother-hen questions. "Why'd you call me?" He continued, making effort again to stagger forward, stumbling and having Sam steady him.

"Whoa, take it easy." Sam said, trying not to laugh at how pathetic and mean Castiel was when he was drunk. He'd never seen anything like this before, angels drinking. It was absurd. "You okay?"

Cas continued to glare at him, motioning for him to come forward. Sam leaned in, wondering what secrets his intoxication was about to reveal.

"Don't ask stupid questions." Cas said, stepping away. _Jesus! Your breath reeks of alcohol. Cas, you stink. _"Now tell me what you need."

"There've been these demon attacks. Massive, on the edge of town, and we can't figure out why."

"Any sign of angels?" Castiel asked

"Sort of, they've been talking to this prophet."

"Who?"

"This girl, Leah Gideon."

"She's not a prophet." Cas replied quickly, apparently very sure of himself.

"I'm pretty sure she is. Visions, headaches, the whole package."

"The names," Cas started, staring up at the ceiling, "of all the prophets are seared into my brain." He looked back at Sam as if he were a moron. "Leah Gideon isn't one of them."

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Where've you been?" Sam asked in concern when Dean came into the room. "I went out looking for you." His eyes lowered to Dean's hands, which were covered in blood. Dean explained it away, saying that Paul the barkeeper was dead because one of the townswomen that lost her son shot the guy.

"It's starting." Cas said, dizzy from his sitting position nearby.

"What's starting- where the hell have you been?" Dean asked, looking down at the angel.

"On a bender." Cas groaned back, his voice even deeper than usual.

"Did he say 'on a bender'?" Dean asked, looking at Castiel like he just grew tentacles.

"Yeah, he's… still pretty smashed." Sam added.

"It… is not of import," Cas started, "we need to talk about what's happening here." He waved his hand about for effect.

"I'm all ears."

"Well, for starters," Sam said, sparing drunk Castiel a long-winded speech he would probably slur pretty badly, "Leah isn't a prophet."

"Then what is she?"

"The Whore." Cas answered.

"Whoa, Cas. Tell us what you really think."

Castiel explained that the Whore of Babylon was a prophecy and that Leah was her. She was driving the people against each other, causing them to spill innocent blood, and she was controlling the demons that had been attacking the town. She wants to condemn as many souls as she could take into Hell with her. She was only free now because Lucifer walked the Earth, and now, they had to find a way to stop her, which Castiel knew the answer to as well. There was a stake of wood that a righteous man needed to drive through her heart. The hard part would be convincing the real Leah Gideon's father that his daughter was actually dead, had probably been killed by the Whore initially and her form was being used as a suit, for the Whore to kill people with.

It wasn't as hard as they thought. The Reverend heard the things Leah was proposing, burning people to death for their sins. He was truly a good man and was against what she was doing. In his own heart he knew this was wrong, and this girl was not his daughter. And after Cas revealed to him one of his angelic properties, teleporting, the Reverend had to go along with what he believed to be God's true will. Little did he know, Cas had a falling out with the God he preached of. But he went along with it anyway. Initially, it seemed easy. Cas was able to catch her off guard and grip her from behind, leaving her heart unprotected from the spear of wood that was soon to pierce it. But the Reverend hesitated just for a second too long, at hearing his daughter's voice. Leah the Whore was able to chant Enochian charms, cursing the angel that bound her, reducing Castiel into a groaning ball of pain on the floor.

Leah ran to her followers, and they overcame the Reverend. Leah yelled to the woman that shot Paul, Jane, to set fire to the room that had all of her "sinners" trapped inside. The Winchesters rushed in to stop them, punching their way through scores of people until Leah came down on Dean, her hands firmly around his throat, trying to strangle the life from the man under her. From the corner of her eye, she caught him reaching for the stake that was only a short distance away.

"Please. As if you're a servant of God." Leah scoffed and went on to tell Dean that he was pathetic, self-hating, and faithless. Anger swept over the man underneath her. _This bitch doesn't know me._ She told him that he was going to sit back and watch the world end when the time came. Dean grasped the stake. It was worth a shot, and he took it, striking her across the head with the end of the wood, knocking her off balance before jabbing the point into her chest, watching her roll onto her back and die. It must have been hard for the Reverend. Even though he knew his true daughter was already dead, people have a hard time disconnecting what a demon does in the form of a loved one.

"Don't be so sure. Whore."

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Where's Dean?" Castiel asked, having just come out of the stupor that the Whore's curse had put him through. It lasted almost two hours. Sam was there with him for the whole two hours while he sat on one of the hotel beds, just staring into space, drooling. Sam had taken time to wipe his face on occasion, before he snapped back to reality, in panic and thinking that maybe they were still in the middle of a fight. His muscles jerked violently as he came back.

Sam rushed over to him, steadying the surprisingly strong angel. He was so small compared to Sam's moose-like stature, but it was a struggle to calm him down.

"Shh, Cas. Stop. He left." Sam said, betrayal in his voice.

"Left? Where? Sam, where did he go?" Cas looked straight at the younger of the two Winchesters. _Please Sam. Please just tell me he'll be back in a minute. But… something about the look in your eyes tells me he isn't coming back._

"I don't know." Sam sniffed. No, he wasn't crying, but he had that 'Sam's about to cry' face that he sometimes had when something really bad was about to happen. "Cas I don't know where he went. You have to help. We need to go find him."

And find him they did. Sam was just as much of a panic-driven wreck as Castiel was, and the two of them teleported to the one place that Sam thought he might go, Bobby's. But he wasn't at Bobby's. Things got desperate, and after Castiel practically interrogated Sam over where else he would go, he said only one other place. Lisa's.

"Who's Lisa?" Castiel asked. He'd never heard her name before.

Sam took time only to explain that he'd only met her once. She was a woman that Dean spent a week with in his past. The two of them hooked up, and then a couple years ago, he met her again and saved her son from changelings. Since then, she moved away, to a new town and Dean must have tracked her down. He had written her new address in John's old journal, which was the only way in Hell that they were able to find the place.

Nestled in the dark, Sam and Castiel waited, hidden in the shadows of a tree outside of Lisa's home. There was Dean, talking to her at the front door. She hugged him. They couldn't hear what was being said. It was a long, intimate type of hug.

Sam was drawn away from the scene in front, looking to his left to see Castiel, seething beside him. His eyes narrowed, his face lowered very slightly, and his upper lip twitched once. Sam could almost see steam escaping his forehead.

"Cas?" he asked.

"What, Sam." he replied very harshly, not breaking his gaze from the scene before him.

Sam was going to say something, but Castiel looked pretty down-right scary right at this moment. _I'm not crazy about the idea of getting my head bit off. Yeah, he's mad at Dean for leaving. So am I. But I don't look that mad, do I? Castiel looks like a jealous bitch, for lack of any other way to describe it. That's weird and I don't even want to ask. There's just some things that are better left unsaid. _

Cas exhaled slowly from his nose, which would have emitted smoke if his temperature had risen any higher. _Who the Hell is that, Dean? The world is ending, and you just left your brother and I without a word to go see this skank? _Castiel's eyes widened in confusion about his own cruel thoughts. _That's not fair. I don't know this woman from Eve, _said the logical part of his brain._ I don't care, she's a bitch and I hate her,_ argued the more possessive side. _How could someone be so selfish? Sam and I, we're his friends, and he left us. Bobby too, and for what? Some woman he had a week-long fling with? I'd like to see *her* descend into Hell to bail you out, ungrateful son of a bitch. No wonder why your father hated you. _

"He's going to run if we nab him right now." Sam said, snapping Cas back to reality.

Sam proposed that they follow him, wait until his guard was down before Sam confronted him in the motel he was staying at, catching him in the process of sealing all of his worldly possessions in a cardboard box. Cas caught him off guard, zapped him back to Bobby's, where he earned being locked in the same panic room that Sam withdrew from his demon blood addiction in. Everyone was furious. The gist of the matter was, Dean had just left them because he was planning on saying yes to Michael, agreeing to be his vessel even though they did nothing but fight to keep him from it. Maybe he was doing it to protect their younger brother Adam, also captive in Bobby's house. But none of them believed that.

Sam stood in the panic room with Dean, while Castiel waited outside the door, glaring at the man before him. If looks could kill, Dean would have burst into flames.

"Cas, not for nothing, but the last time someone looked at me like that, I got laid." Dean said, tilting his head and winking in an attempt to be cute. _Stop it, Dean. Its not going to make me any less mad at you._

Castiel fought the urge to yell, "Yeah, by me, ass!" because Sam was standing there and from what he'd been led to believe, what they'd been doing together was supposed to be a secret. He hadn't told anybody about it. Not when they kissed, not that first time up in Bobby's dust room, and not the second time. Yes, there was a second time, in the kitchen of Bobby's house only days after the first, while Bobby and Sam were both outside. All Dean even had to do was whisper Castiel's name and he appeared. Memories of that afternoon came flooding back. He remembered barely appearing before Dean was on him, kissing him roughly and tearing the buttons from his shirt as he forced it open. He remembered Dean whispering to him that this was wrong. Castiel's response was, 'All you have to do is tell me you don't want this, and I'll stop.' Dean said nothing about stopping, in fact he suggested the opposite. Cas remembered the muscles of his bare chest and torso twitching as Dean pressed him face down onto the cold countertop, pounding away from behind.

He didn't tell anyone about the third time. And yes, there was definitely a third time, in the woods, the morning after he took the hangover pills Dean gave him back in Crazy Town. The hangover went away and the two of them were sharing a conversation to which Dean said something mean, like he usually did. They argued, and then out of exciting anger, one thing led to another. It started in the damn parking lot, right outside of the motel, before Castiel zapped them both to the middle of the woods two miles out. He remembered gripping the grass, his back scraping through the branches and foliage on the forest floor, the two of them practically screaming in unbridled desire…

"Cas, why don't you go keep an eye on Adam?" Sam requested kindly, wanting to steer the angry angel from this area, incase Dean really did burst into flames. Cas slammed the door angrily and walked away.


	6. Chapter 6

Contains spoilers from the 100th episode (5x18) and up to 5x21.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

It wasn't hours later that Castiel found himself in Florida, having been cast through time and space from where he was in the panic room only a moment prior. Dean had lured him in, banging around the metal walls, and when Cas entered the room to check on his friend, he found that Dean printed the sigil to banish angels on a cabinet door. _Why did I show him how to make those? _Needless to say, the angel wasn't any less angry at Dean's newest stunt, and knew that he was on his way to say yes to Michael. He was going to become Michael's vessel. _Not if I can stop it._

Dean was once so strong, and so sure that he would never give in. Why in Hell would he have changed his mind? To protect that bitch Lisa and her illegitimate child? Was it because he traveled to an alternate future, saw that all of his friends were going to die at the hands of Lucifer, who Sam was going to surrender to? He'd mentioned before that Future Dean told him to say 'yes' when he went back to his own time. Life was horrible in that time. The world had completely fallen apart. It was a war zone, and people shot their own kind at the slightest hint of their infection with the Croatoan virus. That must have been a tough cross to bear, but there had to be another way. _There has to be something else we can do. We have all fought for Dean not to have to give in to Michael. We have all given something for his salvation. _

_There he is. _The whole time Castiel had been away, he sat on a bench in a Florida park, just listening for the ringing of the bell in his brain that told him where Dean was. Yes, there were the Enochian markings on the ribs of both Winchesters. Cas knew this and had planted them himself, but there was something about saving a person, loving a person, that always let one know where he was. Dean had Cas's mark on him for the rest of his life, that burn scar in the shape of a hand on his upper arm, from where the angel gripped an innocent man from perdition and rose him back to life. _I found you. It's been only 85 minutes and all I had to do was wait._

Castiel jumped through space again, as some people would call flying at top speed, and happened right in front of where Dean was talking to one of Zachariah's servants, turning himself in, ready to be scooped up and used as a vessel. The servant was on his knees on the sidewalk, praying loudly for the angels to come, because Dean was found.

"You pray too loud." Cas muttered, knocking the servant unconscious with only a touch. The man hadn't even fully gone limp yet before a fit of anger took over and the angel forced Dean into an alley with the realization that all that had been sacrificed was nearly in vain. All of it, almost thrown away at the hands of an ungrateful human brat. He'd had enough. Trying to be reasonable with Dean got him nowhere. It was like begging a spoiled child to look up from his precious videogame system and listen. Sometimes, one just had to take a baseball bat to the console. Cas was going to _make_ Dean listen this time. He slammed the bigger man's back into the brick wall where they were now alone, exhibiting such strength against the human that Cas himself was surprised. Being this angry at Dean never happened before.

"What are you, crazy?" Dean groaned, struggling against the rock of a man that held him in place. It was like a kitten struggling against a mountain lion. Dean's eyes widened as Castiel shoved him forward, sending him stumbling into a group of trashcans.

"I REBELLED FOR THIS?" Castiel shouted, his entire being consumed with fury.

Dean barely had time to steady himself before being pummeled roughly into the wall again, feeling the angel's hammer of a fist punch him, nearly taking his jaw with it. The shock of being hit by Castiel made it to where this didn't hurt yet. Dean didn't picture being beaten up by the angel that saved his soul from an eternity in Hell. He definitely felt the second blow across his jaw, before Cas gripped his jacket and pressed into Dean, crushing the air from his lungs.

"So that you could give in to them?!" Cas groaned, bringing himself close enough to where he knew Dean could hear what he was saying and was fully paying attention through his spinning head and staggering equilibrium.

These words were barely spoken before Dean felt his back leave one wall and slam hard into the one across from where they stood now. He would have fallen into the concrete ground and laid there in a heap had it not been for Castiel's left arm holding him, pinned to that wall, while his right fist riddled Dean's body with punches. He'd never been hit that hard in his entire life, and that was saying something. He'd fought with some of the best. He hit harder than Sam. It felt like getting hit with a battering ram. Blood came to Dean's mouth, draining out over his lips before he gave a weak attempt at begging the angel to stop. His plea fell on deaf ears, and he was again sent across the alley, smashing into the wall he'd been thrown against only moments ago. Cas was on him again, pressed to where their faces were only inches apart.

"I gave _everything_ for you! And this is what you give me?" His words came out in growls, before turning the human toward the back of the alley with a shove, throwing another punch into the mix before planting a kick into Dean's sternum, sending him back into the chain-link fence that blocked off the innermost part of the alley.

_This has got to be it. He's gonna stop now,_ Dean thought, sinking down onto the cold ground, reeling with pain. But Castiel wasn't done. This beating was long overdue. He'd forgiven Dean so many times and now there was nothing to be done for the rage spinning out of control. This wasn't natural. Angels didn't feel this kind of anger. They weren't made to have real feelings. It'd been the humans. Spending so much time with them made him so much like them.

Dean could hear Castiel's footsteps coming closer, and looked up to see that his fists were still clenched. _He's not going to stop. I'm gonna die in this alley. _Dean could see that Cas was till ready to beat him into oblivion. It was almost like he forgot how fragile humans were. They couldn't take the amount of stress to their organs that an angel or a demon could. _That's what it is. He's wailing on me like he'd do to a demon. _Castiel's eyes reminded Dean of exactly that, a demon. They were wild, still burning with anger.

"Do it." Dean muttered, seeing at least double of what should have been around. He was pretty sure that he suffered a concussion. He'd hoped that this last punch would send him into unconsciousness so that he wouldn't feel what it was like to get beat to death by his friend.

"Just do it!" Dean shouted louder, panting in exhaust and twitching with physical grief.

Looking down at Dean, he looked so helpless. _What a mess I've made. I shouldn't have done this. _With the fog of wrath clearing, the angel was now overcome by guilt. Had he just come into this scene with no knowledge, he never would have believed that Dean's condition was caused by him. This was something a savage would do. Dean was his friend, and yes, he showed no gratitude and he was an ass. But Cas loved him. _Do I really? Do humans hurt the things they love?_ His fist loosened as he stared down at the injured man before him, having just this moment understood what it was that Dean requested. It showed the man's truest nature. He'd rather take a beating than say he was sorry, than admit fault. Dean was hopeless. He always seemed to feel that whatever abuse he received, he'd done something to deserve it. So he took it all with a grain of salt. Even now, crumpled into a pathetic mass of nothing.

Taking mercy on the man he'd thrashed, Cas reached forward, knocking Dean into instant sleep just like he had by placing his hand on the servant only minutes ago, watching his head drop and his mind leave the pain he was now in.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"What the hell happened to him?" Sam asked after Castiel reappeared in Bobby's living room, crutching an unconscious Dean.

"Me." He answered, as honest as possible, and with as few words as he could offer. He was now quite ashamed, seeing the shocked look on Sam's face. Yes, he'd caused this.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

When Dean's eyes opened again, he was in the panic room, and the first person he saw was Castiel.

"Whoa!" He jolted from where he was laying. "You come back for more, Cas?" Dean said, moving stiffly in an attempt to guard.

"With your condition, you couldn't fight a child." Castiel said, looking away from the battered human. "I came to check on you. I'm…sorry, Dean."

Dean didn't say anything. He just stared at the angel in front of him, not sure of what to say. He knew why Cas did it. He knew he was being an idiot. That was apparent when everyone locked him in the panic room the first time. At that moment, it just seemed like the only way out, saying yes to Michael, saving Adam, bargaining with the angels to spare his friends. Now, after his head was throbbing and his brain had swelled, he must have had the stupid knocked out. But he didn't say anything. There was nothing to say. Nothing for Dean, anyway. But Castiel could hardly stand to look at what he'd done, and felt like if he said everything he could thing to say, it would make things better. Maybe it would burn out some of the guilt.

"For what I did to you. But I want to try explaining why, but not as an excuse. I gave you my life, whether you see that or not. I'm sorry I got so mad at you before I explained what you need to hear. Your mother was right when she told you that angels were watching over you. You, Dean Winchester, specifically. I know because that angel was me. And before you ask me where I was when you needed me, let me tell you. I was reaching for you, but when you were growing up, when you were a man, I pained for you. I followed orders from above in those days. Even with rebellion in my mind, it's harder to make it to Earth than you think. The celestial alignment wasn't ideal…I wanted to help you so much. I… they wouldn't allow us to interfere. As much as I wanted to. When I saw what you did, how you gave your everlasting soul to save Sam's life and the garrison said you were to be rescued, I begged to be the one to save you. I went into Hell, Dean. I had no business there, but I felt I had no purpose anywhere else. It was what you'd call terrifying. Imagine that. An angel, being in Hell. Much like a Mormon in south central."

Cas smirked involuntarily at his own joke. He was just starting to get the hang of human humor.

"I was damn sure that I wasn't going to go back without you. But I found you, and I brought you back. You know, from the first time you stabbed me in the heart… with a knife, I knew I was in a lot of trouble. I knew that you were going to be my long fall from grace. I went against my own kind to help you. I gave everything, just for you. Everything I did was done with you on my mind. If I had the chance… I promise you I would do it all again. No matter what that means. Aside from what I did to you last night… When they brought me back to Heaven for breaking their rules one time too many, I thought about never returning here. What they did to me, I don't know how to explain it to you, other than pain. Having angels angry with you is… agonizing. But even when I said I served Heaven and not you, I knew I wouldn't keep that promise. I knew that no matter what they did to me, and they did everything, my loyalties would lie with you. I've had every physical pain thrust upon me in your name and like I said, I would take it all again. I've been blown up once. If that doesn't show you where I stand, let this. You have me, for the rest of your life, and I will give mine to protect you."

With that, he stood up and disappeared through the door, closing it behind him with a gentle clang.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

I'd been a tough fight, keeping Adam captive at Bobby's house, trying to convince him not to be Michael's backup plan, but he was gone. He'd managed to escape and he went to them. The Winchesters, Bobby, and Cas weren't sure how long they had before the formalities were over and Adam had to take the archangel in. They were all sure though, that Zachariah was filling the kid's head with all sorts of lies. Nobody would have said yes to them, without a reason.

Castiel managed to track down the Beautiful Room, the place that angels took Dean in order to pressure him into being Michael's vessel. Cas saved him from that scenario as well, and now he was going back. The entire trip to California, where the Beautiful Room was located inside of a warehouse, Castiel and Dean didn't speak a word to each other. After their talk in the panic room, Dean was giving Castiel's words a lot of thought, especially the last part, about giving his life to save Dean's. He'd gathered from listening to the angel's conversations with Sam that this was Castiel's plan, basically. He said that angels would be guarding the Beautiful Room, and that he would be the one to clear them out of the warehouse before the Winchesters went inside to save Adam, if it wasn't already too late.

The trip seemed to take a very short time, as everyone was dreading it. As they approached the warehouse, Castiel was running over the game plan one more time, removing the backwards tie he usually wore, when he was outside the door. Sam looked at his brother, mentally wanting him to say something, anything that would change what was about to happen. _Dean, he might die. This might be the last time you ever see Cas. Please, just say something. _But instead of anything heartfelt, Dean asked once more about Cas's sureness of what he was doing. To which he replied that it was better to do this than to stick around and watch Dean fail. _So, he was worried that Dean would say yes in the end too. _Sam was relieved to think he was not the only one.

There went Castiel, into the warehouse, cautious and keeping an eye open for anything that moved. The Beautiful Room was right inside that little shed-like office. Upon approaching it, he ran into an angel, fighting valiantly, and ending the life of another one of his own people with the blade that had been the only known way to do so. He watched the light escape the other angel's orifices before he dropped to the ground. _Just one angel? That was almost too easy. _

_No, there they are. _He came across a small group of others, emerging from the woodworks and found himself surrounded within a very short time period. He gazed around them, on guard, waiting for one to approach him, knowing this was not like the movies Dean watched, where the villains all attacked one at a time. They were all going to come at once. The question was, which one was going to get close enough first. They all had angel blades. Any one of them could take him down. This was it. He dropped his bloody blade and it clattered on the ground.

"What are you waiting for? Come on." He said, waiting until their footsteps came within close proximity for making his move. He tore the buttons from the shirt he was wearing, sending them scattering, before driving his hand against the bloody angel banishing sigil he had painted on his own chest, acting as a surface. The light started to emerge from him and every angel in the surrounding area was sent away, aside from the one inside the Beautiful Room. Cas faded into almost undying darkness.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Of course the Winchesters failed again to save Adam. Zachariah was tricky, but Dean didn't leave empty handed. When they'd seen the light of Cas disappearing, they ran into the Beautiful Room, and Dean could tell from the look on Adam's face that he now knew the truth, that Zachariah was using him to lure Dean to them, never wanting to have used him as a vessel to begin with. It was all a lie, and John's two other sons were to be used against Dean until he submitted. Zachariah forced torrents of blood from the two men's veins, out of their mouth, causing both painful hemorrhaging. Dean, when he could take no more of their suffering, laid down his guard and offered his surrender.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Zachariah asked, in that same dickly tone he usually carried.

"Okay…yes. The answer is yes." Dean replied, looking into Sam's eyes from where he laid on the floor of the Beautiful Room, blood still dripping from his mouth. He tried to speak but both Dean and Zachariah resumed their own conversation.

"Do you hear me?" Dean called loudly, demanding attention, "Call Michael down ya bastard."

"How do I know you're not lying?" Zachariah asked tentatively.

"Do I look like I'm lying?" Dean asked, voice cracking.

As Zachariah turned away, looking triumphant and called Michael in Enochian, Dean developed an idea. He hadn't planned this. It was all on the fly. He winked at Sam when Zach said that Michael was coming now.

"Of course I have a few conditions."

"What?"

"There's a few people whose safety you have to guarantee before I say yes."

"Sure, fine. Make a list."

"And most of all, Michael can't have me… until he disintegrates you."

The two continued witty banter as the room began to quake. Zachariah tried to assert his importance and when Dean made him angry enough, the angel came close, grabbing the human by his jacket, taking time to insult him, which didn't matter in the least as Dean let the angel blade slide into his hand from where it was hidden up in his sleeve.

"Maybe he won't kill you. But I will." Dean said, jamming the blade up under Zachariah's chin all the way through the top of his head, sending light from his eyes, nose, mouth, shining over the entire room, sending Dean falling back.

He was on his feet in moments, getting Adam to his feet and then helping Sam out of the room. Just as he did, the door closed, trapping his younger brother inside. Try as Dean may, the door wouldn't open again, as it was too hot to touch, and Adam's cries faded away and the Beautiful Room was left no more than just an ugly, empty office.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"What?!" Murphy asked, winding rope up where he stood by the boat's helm. They'd set out early that morning, starting another long run at sea.

"He said we got a body here!" Dale yelled, clarifying what a Cajun man in the crew had been trying to say. Murphy didn't understand Cajun accents, but Ernie wasn't kidding. There really was a body stowed in a corner of the boat's deck, only a few feet from the galley entrance.

Murphy came running. It wasn't everyday that the crew reported a body on their boat. He thought maybe one of the other crew members had fallen fatally injured while he was working on the other side. But no, when he crossed to where the other two men stood, the man laying there in a pool of blood was not one of theirs. He didn't belong there. How the hell had he even gotten onboard with nobody noticing?

"What's going on, man?" Murphy asked.

"Hell if I know. Ernie done seen the blood, and we found him here. Where you suppose he come from?" Dale asked, visibly shook up.

Murphy got down on his knees to examine the stranger. It was hard to tell much about him from the position he was in. The man laid on his side, one half of his face soaked in the blood it rested in. The other half was bruised. His left eyebrow was lacerated and from what Murphy could tell, the man was in his 30s, about 140lbs and obviously a white male. He was wearing a pair of slacks, no shoes, and had some sort of overcoat on. It looked like it'd been light brown before whatever the hell happened to this guy. He had brown hair as well, cleanly cut fingernails and didn't look like the kind of guy that walked around their town back home. He looked like a city boy.

Murphy took hold of the man's face gingerly and moved his head away from the blood puddle.

"Murph, I don't think you should move him-" Dale started before Murphy jolted, startled.

"This ain't a body, dumbass. This guy ain't dead. Go get Mary, now!" He yelled to Ernie, who scattered off running across the deck.

"He ain't dead?" Dale asked in disbelief. It didn't seem possible. The guy was beat to hell. He wasn't moving. It didn't look like he was breathing, but apparently Murphy found a pulse in the guy's neck.

The woman they wanted, Mary, was a medic, 24 years old, and very much out of place on a fishing boat it would seem, due to her small stature.

Murphy, against suggestion, moved the man to where he was partly sitting up, the torn shirt he was wearing was open and revealed strange symbols painted on his torso in blood.

"He has some devil signs on him." Mary said, stepping back.

"You get your superstitious ass down here and help this guy before he dies! If I end up having a body on my boat, you're out of a job!" Murphy shouted at her from the floor.

Hesitantly, she knelt down, using a flashlight to shine into the man's eyelids when she pulled them open.

His eyes opened on their own, staring blankly ahead.

"Wow…" Mary said, staring. "You ever seen eyes that blue?"

"Man, get help!" Murphy yelled at Dale over the radio. They were turning around, heading to port, and Dale was on the boat's main radio contacting emergency personnel.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"You can't do this." Dean said, pointing at Sam in the kitchen of Bobby's house. They'd been tossing around the idea of Sam using himself as bait for Lucifer. Dean was as damn against this as a person could be. There was no way.

"That's the consensus." Sam replied.

"Alright, great. End of discussion." Dean said. He wanted to yell at Sam, but his phone ringing interrupted him.

"This isn't over." He said, answering, placing his phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Dean." Said a deep voice on the other end of the line.

"Cas?!" Dean asked into the receiver, surprised.

Sam's attention was now perked, asking Dean to ask if Castiel was okay. It had been long enough hearing from him for the Winchesters to think he was dead.

"We all thought you were dead, where the hell are you, man?" Dean asked, talking fast, wanting to get to the bottom of it. Cas was obviously alive, but where was he? What happened?

"A hospital." Castiel replied vaguely.

"Are you okay?"

"…no." The voice said.

Dean waited for more, but when the line was silent for a while, he added, "Do you…want to elaborate?"

"I just…woke up here. The doctors were fairly surprised. They thought I was brain-dead."

"So…a hospital?" Dean clarified.

"Apparently, after Van Nuys, I suddenly appeared bloody and unconscious on a shrimping boat off the coast of Delacroix. I'm told it upset the sailors."

"Oh, well, I gotta tell you, man. You're just in time. We figured out how to pop Satan's box." Dean said, trying to hide his excitement and relief.

"How?" Cas asked, groaning in pain on the other side of the phone.

"It's a long story. But look, we're going after Pestilence now. So if you want to zap over here…"

Castiel sighed. "I can't zap…anywhere."

"What do you mean?"

"My batteries are drained."

"What, you're saying you're out of angel mojo?"

"I'm saying that I'm thirsty and my head aches. I have a bug bite that itches no matter how much I scratch it. I'm saying I'm just incredibly…"

"Human." Dean said in disbelief.

Castiel sighed again. It sounded so strange hearing it out loud.

"Wow…sorry." Dean said.

"My point is," Cas started again, trying to forget he'd just told them, "I can't go anywhere without money for…an airplane ride. And food. More pain medication ideally."

"Alright, look. No worries," Dean ran a hand over his head, thinking, "Bobby's here, he'll wire you the cash." To which Bobby replied with, "I will?"

"Dean, wait. You said no to Michael. I owe you an apology."

"Cas, it's okay-" Dean tried to stop him. He hated apologies.

"You are not broken, burned shell of a man I believed you to be."

"Thank you." Dean said awkwardly, not sure if that was supposed to be a kind word. "I appreciate that."

"You're welcome." Cas finished, before hanging up.


	7. Chapter 7

Contains spoilers from the Pestilence episode, the Death episode, and Swan Song (5x22)

Rated M for male/male action.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"First time flying?" the woman sitting next to Castiel asked, noting his awkwardness.

"In one of these? Yes." he replied gruffly. Honestly, besides Bobby and the Winchesters, he rarely spoke to other people.

"Don't worry about it, honey. It gets better." She said with a smile. She was an African American woman, with blonde hair. That was the first time Cas had seen something like this and was quite interested in her appearance. She wore makeup, making her face appear very smooth. She was a small-framed woman, but tall, and the heeled shoes she was wearing did nothing but add to her height. "By the way, are you okay? Your eye looks a little…drastic."

"Yes I… had an accident."

"Oh, what happened?" the woman asked.

"I can't remember. I had a concussion and was in a coma for almost two weeks." Cas replied. Normally he would have been told to shut up by now, but this woman seemed interested.

"Are you going home to family, honey?"

"Yes…I suppose you could say that. Family."

"I hope they take care of you. I'm Ru." She introduced herself, extending a well manicured hand forward in an elegant fashion

"Castiel." He said, shaking her hand as if it came naturally to him. He remembered back when he met Sam the first time, how the younger Winchester had been much nicer than Dean back then. No, there was no stabbing involved from Sam, but when he extended his hand, Cas had no idea what to do with it. When he managed to place his hand into Sam's and Sam completed their handshake, Cas was relieved. Had he known the Winchesters back then, he would have known to think 'nailed it' to himself.

"That's a fierce name. Is it your birth name?"

Castiel nodded, assuming a birth name would equal the name he came into creation with. He'd never been a baby or a child before. He just was, all of a sudden.

He spent a lot of the time on the plane talking with Ru. She complimented him on his blue eyes, offered concern for his health when the headaches started, and offered consolation when it came to talking about Dean. Castiel never used his name, and never mentioned that they'd slept together, but he did tell her about his love for Dean. Something about her made it seem like it was okay to tell her.

"Sweetie, sometimes a man doesn't know what he's missing, until he's actually missing it. Sometimes a man is just a damn fool." She noted.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Had Bobby been able to walk, he would have gone to the airport to pick Castiel up by himself, but as it stood, without use of his legs, he wasn't able to drive a car. So Dean and Sam went instead. Bobby was relieved for a short time, being spared their nagging back and forth at one another. He set back to his research again, looking for just how to take down the third horseman, Pestilence. Next was Death, and if the boys managed to get to this level, there was no ace in the hole for how on Earth to overcome Death himself.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"There he is." Sam pointed casually from where they waited past the gates at the airport, seeing Cas walking toward them slowly. To Dean, he looked much slower and stiffer than usual. Bobby assured him that there would be pain medicine at home when he arrived. The angel-turned-human looked thinner now, and tired. But he managed to make his way over to his friends.

Relieved that he wasn't dead, Dean pulled Castiel into a long hug, not awkward or suggestive in any way. To anybody walking by, it would appear that they were friends or family who had not seen one another in some time. But between them, the longing that burned did not go unnoticed.

"Careful Dean, I'm still healing." Cas said in a low voice that masked slight pain.

Dean let go, patting his friend on the back, "I'm glad you're okay."

"How was the flight?" Sam asked. He knew Dean wouldn't, because everything about flying send his older brother into a pile of shivers.

"Fine. I sat between two lovely women. Both very kind. One was a sassy black woman named Ru, and the other was a high end madam of a brothel. Very small thing."

"A female pimp? Why would she fly into Sioux Falls, South Dakota?" Sam asked, laughing to himself.

"I don't know. Prostitute convention?" Castiel mentioned, almost humorously.

"You said Ru?" Sam asked.

"Yes, that's what she said her name was." Cas replied.

"What'd she look like?"

Castiel replied by describing Ru to the best of his abilities.

"No way, that was Ru Paul!" Sam said, gushing, looking around for a glimpse of her.

"Who?" Dean and Cas asked together.

"Ru Paul, from Drag Race. She's a drag queen." Sam replied, as if this were common knowledge that everyone should be aware of.

"Could you be any more gay?" Dean asked.

Sam huffed, "Jess used to watch that show."

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Guys, I think I'm dying." Castiel said, breathing rapidly, staring about the room in panic.

"What?" Sam asked, going toward the man that now sat on the floor in Bobby's study.

"My eyes keep closing, and I have this hazy feeling. Then when I jerk my eyelids up, my heart races." the former angel explained.

"Cas, can I ask how long it's been since you slept?" Dean asked, crossing his arms from where he stood just behind Sam.

"72 hours." He replied, as if that was a stupid question.

"Seventy- you're tired! You're not dying, you just need to sleep." Dean replied.

Cas was still adjusting to his new form. He'd already faced hunger and thirst. Yes, the first time he was thirsty was in the hospital and he thought he was dying then, too. The only reason he slept when out of his coma was due to induced sleep by the nurse. He didn't feel the sleepiness then.

"Tired?" Cas clarified.

"Yes, man. Humans need to sleep. You need to go lay down." Without waiting for Castiel to argue, the Winchesters each took an arm and helped their exhausted, confused friend over to the couch in the main living space of Bobby's house. They watched him laying there for a moment, waiting for his eyelids to become heavy again, but they didn't. His eyes were wide, and he continued to breathe quickly.

"This is going to sound…pathetic." Cas started, not looking at either man in front of him, "But I'm…actually afraid to go to sleep."

"What? Why?" Dean asked, trying not to laugh, but laughing anyway. This earned him a frustrated glare from Cas.

"Last time, when I had to sleep at the hospital. Something bad happened. I went to sleep…and it was horrible. I went to a sporting event. I don't know how I got there. It was…tennis, you call it. Except instead of players, the walking dead were on the court trying to man the game. Their arms kept breaking and would eventually fall off when they tried to hit the tennis ball with their racquet. They killed the referee, and started ripping out his insides. I wanted to try to help, but I couldn't leave my seat. There was a faceless man throwing bags of peanuts at people. The bags kept getting bigger and heavier and was eventually killing people when they got hit in the head with them. I asked the faceless man for a beer, because I was suddenly thirsty. When I opened the can, snakes came out and went down my throat. I was worried, about what they would do to me, moving around in my stomach. I tried to cough them out. Then, beside me there was a…homosexual man in a scarf, asking me what what what I was doing, telling me that an eating disorder wasn't a joke. The audience was terrified, and they were trying to leave before the zombies came for them. The exits where blocked, and it was a free-for-all. They all started killing each other in a gladiator-style fight. I saw a man kill and eat the eyes of all of his victims-"

"Cas," Sam started, gently interrupting the frightened man, "That wasn't real. I wish someone would have explained sleep to you before, but we never saw this happening. But that was just a dream."

"A dream?" Cas replied, having heard the term before, and knew the basics of it. But what he'd gone through seemed so real.

"Yes. Most humans have them when they sleep. Can't hurt you, man." Dean continued. He neglected to mention supernatural beings that actually could kill people in their dreams, because it would be too hard to explain.

"So, I'm okay?" Castiel asked hopefully, looking embarrassed toward his friends.

"Yeah. You can wake up whenever you want. Look, just go to sleep. We'll stay here until you're out." Dean offered.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Being a human was awful. In a couple short days before the Winchesters set off to take down Pestilence, Cas experienced the most humiliating time of his long life.

He'd gone through the agonizing sensation of having a very full bladder, which followed having to pee for the first time, which was a disaster to say the least.

He'd experienced vomiting due to motion sickness from the car ride into town for some rubbing alcohol. The bug bite on his arm had become open and infected because he'd scratched it so much. The vomiting itself was something he never wanted to do again. He felt better afterward, but the entire 15 minutes leading up to it was awful with it's aches and nausea.

He'd gotten shampoo in both of his eyes during a shower, which he needed because he hated the new smells of his armpits. As an angel, it never burned before. Now it felt like fire, and caused both eyes to be dry and itchy for the rest of the day.

There were paper cuts, sneezing, more hunger, more bathroom needs, tiredness, dry skin. _How do they not all blow their heads off at this misery._

There was also the involuntary erections here and there. The first one was due to Sam exiting the bathroom in nothing more than a towel. Having just showered, his tan flesh glistened in the light of the sun from the living room window. Cas had been sitting on the same couch he'd used for sleep, which was in very close proximity to said bathroom. Sam stood there and talked with his angelic friend casually, drying his long hair with another towel, like a woman.

Cas felt a stirring in his groin and sudden constriction in his pants, and gazed down to confirm that yes, he indeed had a very prominent erection. His eyes widened and in a flash he grabbed a nearby couch pillow and placed it in his lap, pressing it down. He cleared his throat in an attempt to be inconspicuous, and found something else to lock eyes on besides his friend's flesh.

"Cas?" Sam started, that raised-eyebrow confused look he sometimes had crossing his face, "You okay?"

Castiel nodded, mentioning that he would be back in a moment before taking a trip outside. At least that was what he thought he said. Apparently arousal in a human state clouded the mind even more than it did for angels.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

There was a light at the end of that tunnel, though. The Winchesters thought that Cas wouldn't be strong enough to go against Pestilence with them, so they asked him to stay behind. He knew where they would be, though and felt that even as a weak human, he needed to help them. He was very much correct in his thoughts, because by the time he came through the door of that building where Dr. Pestilence was staying, his friends were already on the ground, coughing and in pain.

"How'd you get here?" Pestilence asked.

"I took a bus." Cas answered, stepping forward in an attempt to tell the brothers that it was going to be alright. But it wasn't. In the seconds it took him to see that his friends were in danger, he forgot that he was no longer an angel, and was just as susceptible to disease as the others. More so in fact, because he had not developed human immunities. Instantly his vision blurred and the onset of intense sickness sent his equilibrium to the wind, and he dropped to his hands and knees on the floor. Blood already dripped from his mouth onto the floor, as his weak lungs were filling with fluid.

Pestilence took the time to taunt him regarding his powerless form. He went on to assume that Cas had 'not a drop of angel in him' anymore. _That's enough,_ Cas thought, _I have been a human for this long and I hate it. This ass doesn't have to make matters worse. I've gone through enough in this new form. I'm not about to let it be my downfall._

Castiel blew his window of opportunity wide open, gripping the hand of Pestilence and brandishing the knife he had hidden in his coat, cut the ring and pinky finger from the hand, stating smartly that he maybe had just a drop still. Pestilence screamed and backed away with his bloody hand gripped in the other. Instantly, the disease lifted. The demon assistant came charging forward and Cas caught her on the floor, landing on his back and driving the knife up into her sternum, killing her with the tell-tale shocks and sizzles under her skin.

Yes, as a human being, he'd taken down Pestilence by himself. Well, not exactly. Sam and Dean were motivation. Though Pestilence told the three of them that they were too late, it didn't matter. This was now three out of the four horsemen that were down at the hands of mankind.

On the way home, Cas was rocked to sleep in the back seat of the car. Both Winchesters noticed, and while Dean noted their precious angel's sleep affectionately, Sam said that 'angels didn't sleep' in a crushing sort of way. Dean didn't want to think about the idea of Castiel not being the same as he'd been before.

The man in the back jerked awake, snorting in shock. He gazed around in surprise, but then noticed he was still in the car and sank back against the seat.

"That's strange. I could have sworn I was falling."

"Ha!" Dean laughed, "the old tripping-on-the-stairs reflex."

Cas was not amused. This was another idiotic thing the human anatomy pulled just out of spite.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Sam and Dean together had decided later that the best bet would be to use Sam as bait, to draw Lucifer back into his cage. Death, the final horseman had actually been very helpful when Dean met him. No, he didn't give a rat's ass about humans, but he was very fair. He too was tired of Lucifer's fit, and he surrendered his ring to the older Winchester. He didn't want to be a prisoner to someone he saw unfit to control him, which was Lucifer. Death was as old, or even older than God himself, and with the end of the world in the midst, Death was very occupied with this specific planet, in this specific time. He gave up his ring to be free from the hold Lucifer had over him, because even as Death, he was unable to crush Lucifer like a bug. He gave up his ring, once he taught Dean something very important about the bounds of life and death.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

You'd think it would be a victory, but their world was ending. Yes, they were fighting and winning against the end of THE world, but their own tiny world was spinning out of control. They had the rings, all four of them, and that was their key. They had everything that they needed to use against the Devil. They had a plan, but at a huge cost. They were going to lose Sam. He was going to say yes, and he was going to thrust himself and Lucifer back into the pit. There was no telling what would happen to him after that. Lucifer was going to be furious, and being trapped with a human in the Pit…only torture could follow. Castiel was a human now and he had no way of saving Sam. It was a miracle that he'd even accomplished this feat with Dean, which now seemed so long ago. Sadness hung over them. The time was coming.

The night before the end was at hand. Once again, they had one day left, possibly the last night on Earth for any one of them. They all knew it, too. Castiel and Dean found time that night to go for a moonlit drive together. Not aware of exactly when on their journey, they'd found themselves parked in the back of a vacant lot, the two of them in the back seat, close to naked and pressing together, sharing kisses, caresses, and possible last words.

"What do you want me to do to you?" Dean purred, wrapping both arms tightly around the man laying across the seat, placing his palms flush against the warm back.

"I can ask for anything?" Cas asked.

"Anything." Dean replied, kissing over one collarbone.

"_Anything?"_ Cas asked again, double checking.

"Yes!" Dean said, trying not to chuckle.

"Okay. Tell me, about the true nature of your feelings towards me." Castiel asked, looking unblinkingly at his human.

"Cas-" Dean started for being cut off.

"Dean, please. We've been doing this together, and I haven't asked before now. I mean, I'm so aware of my mortality now. I could die tomorrow. I just want to know the truth before I do. Nobody else has to know. This is just for me. No matter what you say, it won't change the fact that I love you everlastingly."

"I don't think you realize what you're asking me." Dean started, breaking eye contact. "I've never said this to anyone I was with. Never. It was kind of just one of those things. The only time I said it at all was to Sam, and that's in a totally platonic way. You know I have never been into the whole touchy-feely thing, man. It creeps me out. But since we're heading into a huge…diarrhea-like storm, maybe there's a first time for everything. I love…" He trailed off, muttering some syllables at the end of his speech.

"What? Jews? Did you just say you loved Jews?" Castiel asked, cocking his head to one side to show his confusion.

"Oh right, Cas. I love Jews." Dean replied, winking at the man under him. The reference made sense to Dean, anyway. The vessel that Castiel took permanent control of, Jimmy, had the last name of Novak. Dean knew this to be a Polish name, and he heard Sam babbling about the Holocaust at the museum they just _had_ to go to. He mentioned Poland was one of the places that the Jews were persecuted. He just assumed that Cas's meat suit had Jewish relatives, and by extension, was Jewish himself in ethnicity, not in faith. And he enjoyed Cas's meat suit very much, so hence, he loved Jews…or a Jew.

Cas smirked to himself, his heart swelling. "Well, if that isn't, as you say, 'close enough' I don't know what is. I love you, Dean Winchester."

"I know." Dean said, very seriously, not passing up an opportunity to be Han Solo.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Wait, Dean." Cas requested, taking the other man's hand as he went to turn on the car's inside light.

"What?"

"Keep the light off, please. I haven't healed as quickly as I'd hoped I would." Cas cleared his throat nervously. "I'm…disfigured. I can't remember what happened in the abyss, but the angels I fought…well, they wrecked all this." Cas finished, using his hand to motion to himself. It was true, they had. While the bruises that covered his body when he woke up were now faded away, and the stitches and staples that had been used to pin his flesh back together were now gone, the long splits were still visible, large and scabby, making Cas look like Frankenstein's monster.

"Oh please." Dean muttered, turning on the light, to which Cas turned his face from, bathed in new insecurity.

Dean's eyes widened, looking down at the form beneath him, clad only in his underwear. Castiel wasn't kidding. Dean wouldn't go as far as saying that Cas's body was wrecked, but he was now decorated with dense wounds spaced out over his once smooth, beautiful skin. It gave Dean a weird, unpleasant feeling inside. Not that he was any less attracted to Castiel, but…it was almost like how he would react if someone had keyed his precious car. A gang of angels brought this amount of harm to _his_ angel. Dean didn't say a word, but reached out to trace gentle fingertips over one of the gashes sneaking around the smaller man's left shoulder, lingering a moment before placing his lips against another wound across the right of Cas's ribcage. It drew a shiver from the body under his. He'd dedicated extra time to touching each wound, either with kisses or fingers. With delicate effort, he turned Cas over onto his stomach, kissing down his spine, stopping to examine two long divits that were present longwise on both of the angel's shoulder blades. These weren't wounds. They were dips in his skin, between three and four inches in length and they looked as if skin would if something were plugged into it.

"What are these?" Dean asked, brushing fingertips over the divit on Cas's right side, causing an uncontrolled moan to escape his angel's lips. His shoulder blades raised against Dean's hand, wanting the sensation to continue.

"They're… the root…of my wings. Wings are…gone now…but the roots are…permanent." Cas said, breath hitching in pleasure as Dean stroked them. He moaned again when Dean placed his lips over the other one, pressing a full erection against the car's seat.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Touch me." Cas begged, both men now naked. The angel's back pressed against his human's bare chest and strong, powerful arms wrapped around his body. The two were now on their knees in the back seat, with Castiel gripping the shoulders of the front seats to steady his position. He felt Dean's mouth on his neck, sucking and biting the flesh there, sending a pleasurable sting down the smaller man's spine.

Instead of one of Dean's hands leaving the place where they held his hips in place, he felt them grip tighter. Dean moaned his name before Castiel felt the pressure of entry of Dean into his body. Only this time…

"Ow. Dean, wait. It hurts." Cas groaned, tightening his grip on the seats in front of him. It never felt like this when he was still an angel, never truly hurt. But this hurt. It burned, and ached, and felt like invasion. He felt excruciatingly full at this moment, as Dean went in quickly. He shuddered and held his breath, waiting for it to stop, but the burning pain didn't subside.

"You okay?" Dean whispered, holding still, save for his mouth that he used to continue kissing his angel's shoulder blades.

"Please…Dean, touch me." He begged again, more frantic this time. In the three previous times the two of them had made love, Dean's hands never actually went between the angel's legs. He'd always been left to masturbation at his own hand. At first, Castiel thought it was possibly due to Dean's nervousness at being with man, but he knew better now. He wanted Dean's hand, and maybe it would be able to distract from the pain. After all, Dean was already sheathed inside of him, and either way, movement had to be involved. They couldn't stay stuck in this position forever.

"Please, I love you." Cas whispered, feeling Dean's right hand slide to his groin to grip the stiffness that throbbed there. Cas sighed in pleasure, fighting the urge to jerk his hips forward in desire for more.

Dean obviously knew what he was doing, having experimented with self-gratification before, and having had experience with deriving pleasure from pain. He knew exactly how to touch Castiel to get him to buck forward, and he would use his free left hand to gently pull the angel's hips back to where he was again hilted in Cas's warmth, only to repeat the same motion again. He did this again and again, stroking his angel until he'd forgotten the initial discomfort of intercourse and was moving back and forward on Dean's cock in full abandon and pleasure. Adding to the electricity already surging through their veins and the pools of warmth erupting in their organs, Dean met Castiel's movement with his own thrusts, equally drawing moans from each of them.

"Dean…fuuu…I don't have long." Cas whispered, nearly screaming obscenities, thoughts clouded and vision blackening in the tell-tale 'about to orgasm' syndrome.

Dean continued to oppose his strokes with thrusts, sending the man before him into a wave of confusion, not knowing what body part to move against. Drawing back for only a moment, Dean turned his hips and thrust upward, hitting a cluster of glands there that nearly drew a scream from Cas. He repeated this, hitting harder this time, and heard another sweet, strangled moan. Again and again he thrust against his target, and each time his angel shivered a little more, breathing a bit faster before slowly sighing out Dean's name, carrying himself through the throws of orgasm, trying to give any sort of warning as to what was to come.

Cupping the head of his angel's length against the jerking muscles of his abs, Dean waited, thrusting forward as warm, white fluid filled his palm and splashed against Castiel's smooth skin. He did this in an effort to keep a mess from happening on the back seats of his beloved car.

Feeling close himself, Dean placed both hands firmly on Cas's hips. The former angel could feel his own semen from Dean's hand leaking down the front of his thigh before Dean slammed forward once more, groaning as he exploded into the passage in the smaller man's body.

"Cas" he moaned, now dizzy as he finished, resting himself against Castiel's back, catching his breath.

"Check out the windows." Dean whispered, to which Cas looked up to see all of them completely fogged up. He smiled to himself. _Well done my love. _


	8. Chapter 8

Spoilers from (5x22: Swan Song). Slightly AU in timing. Yes, I summarized the episode pretty short, but that's because I figured nobody would want to read an entire episode they'd already seen.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Surrendering didn't go as it should have, but the plan was faulty from the start. Lucifer could read minds, and though he was desperate for Sam, he was not a fool. Nobody liked this scenario. Dean, Cas, and Bobby had shared a rather sorry goodbye with their dear friend Sam. For the last time they were going to see him, there was very little said. Sam asked Castiel to keep after Dean and Bobby, and through his sadness, he attempted to make a joke of it, but failed miserably.

After the arguments between the brothers and Lucifer, Sam was so held on saying 'yes' and being taken by the Devil. He'd drank gallons upon gallons of demon blood before he went into this. He thought it would make him strong enough to fight Lucifer's control, to cripple him once he was on Sam's turf. Dean recalled Bobby saying that there wasn't enough demon blood on earth to drill the Devil, but it was sure worth a shot.

In the end, Sam said 'yes' and Lucifer entered his vessel, scarcely able to contain his excitement at being in a strong suit that wouldn't crumble as poor Nick did. Sam was perfect, and there was no stopping this. He was in now and Sam was powerless. The plan failed. Dean left that building empty handed, going back to his friends and having to explain that Lucifer had control from the beginning, and there was never even a second that Sammy could have thrown himself back into the cage.

But even then, through all of this, Dean did not give up. He tracked the vessels down to where the fight at the end of the world was supposed to take place, the cemetery. THE cemetery where it all started. Interrupting Lucifer's attempt at making ammends with his beloved brother Michael, who was wearing Adam, Dean attempted to jump in and somehow speak to his brother, wanting to get through, to which Lucifer told him that he was entering into a whole new world of stupid. The angels were impatient and wanted nothing more than to brush him off.

Castiel managed to burn Michael out by casting a 'moltov of holy fire' at him, calling "Hey Assbutt" to get his attention…Castiel didn't know how to swear yet. Dean looked up to see his friend and Bobby, ready to defend him until the end, which came much quicker for Cas than he'd hoped. Lucifer was furious at what this former angel had done, and with the snap of a finger, Cas's fragile human form burst into not more than a splatter of blood and tissue, spraying remains all over Bobby, who could only stand in shock as he seemed to be the only one taking in that a friend of the Winchesters had just died violently.

Dean, in all his denseness, continued to reason with his brother, who was no longer in any control, and it only earned him being thrown onto the hood of his car, webbing out the windshield with the back of his head. Bobby leapt into action, shooting at Lucifer, to no avail. With simply a twist of Lucifer's hand, Bobby's neck broke, sending him dead to the grass in an instant.

Dean continued to have his ass handed to him by a nostril-flaring being that only looked like Sam. Dean could only imagine Sam was inside somewhere, watching this, still pulling for control.

Sam gained his footing at the simplest of things. While pounding Dean's head into oblivion, Sam caught a glimpse of the little green army man stuck in the car's back left ashtray. Instantly, without even knowing why, that tiny symbol made all the difference in the world, rapidly playing Sam's entire life he'd shared with Dean over in his mind, the memories of being a human being. Not only could Sam see all of his memories, but Lucifer was seeing them too, distracted for a moment in viewing what it was that made Sam the amazing specimen he was. This was it. It wasn't only the demon blood. It was everything, all these little moments in a human life that caused Sam to be just that…Sam. And it was all that was needed to lose control for just that split second, and actually have a human stick it to the Devil in a battle of self-control that humanity won.

In the short time that it took to become distracted, Sam had already stepped away from Dean, threw the key on the ground and opened the Cage back up. Before Lucifer could restrain his vessel any farther, he and a newly emerged Michael were tumbling down into the Pit, back into Hell, that he'd tried so incredibly never to return to. Four souls now cast in a long fall into darkness, and the only destination was the home sweet cage Lucifer had spent so long trapped in. And out of all the weapons this world had made to fight evil, it only took one car, and one little green army man to send it all spiraling back down to nothing.

When it was over, Dean barely moved from the spot he was left in. Maybe a few feet, sitting closer to the place on the ground that the pit was just previously opened. When he felt Cas's hand on him, it was instantly established that neither one of them knew how the Hell he'd come back. He was an angel again, more perfect in form than he'd ever been. He glowed, taking moments to heal his friends, bringing Bobby back to Earth, no longer broken and destroyed. Dean's face was back as it had been, and it seemed that this moment was the last one that the two of them would spend together. It seemed that way to Castiel anyway. This moment now, had he known it would be the end, he would have remembered it perfectly, held on to it. It seemed that within a matter of moments, Dean was gone again, having taken the Impala and escaped toward the new life he'd always wanted had it not been for Sam and any of his other friends.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Cas, you gotta cheer up, kid. You're… destroying the radio." Bobby said, wiping his oily hand off on a rag. Dean had been gone less than two months, and Cas, instead of following him, watching over him, stayed at Bobby's. He didn't plan to stay long, but he needed a new game plan. What was he going to do now? He had nowhere else to go aside from the old man's home. Bobby graciously took him in, as a 'thanks for bringing me back to life.'

"I'm destroying the radio?"

"Well yea, it's always weird when you're around. It's like angels feed the towers their thoughts, and now all this angsty crap is on every station."

"You think maybe that could just be a coincidence?" Castiel asked, eying the mechanic in noted skepticism.

"I did… at first. Now no matter what you seem to have going on, if you're in a bad mood, I can't enjoy my tunes."

"Prove it."

Bobby turned on his shop radio which belted out a sad melody and the chorus began.

"_Love hurts, love scars love wounds, and marks any heart, not tough or strong enough"_

Castiel looked at the radio, eyebrow raised, and listened.

"_To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain, love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain"_

"I say it's a fluke." He muttered.

"Oh yeah. Buckle up." Bobby continued, changing the channel to the #2 mark, the classic country station.

"_It may take some time to… patch me up inside. But I can't take it so I… run away and hide. I might find in time that, you-"_

Bobby pressed the #3 button, changing the radio to the modern hits station.

"_-didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough"_

Castiel's gaze shifted uneasy from the floor, to the radio, to Bobby, then back to the floor. The channel changed again to channel #4, the hip-hop station, which Bobby noted aloud that he had no idea how this got programmed into his radio.

"_Without you I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me then tell me how ugly I am, but you'll always love me. The after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths, but we know no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs-"_

Bobby, the old man he was, could stand no more rapping and pressed channel #5, the oldies station.

"_I need you (I need you), more than anyone darling, you know that I have from the start. So build me up, buttercup, don't break my heart."_

Finally, Bobby pressed channel #6, the last channel on the radio's programmed stations, which was supposed to be the Español station, but it was playing an English song at the moment, just one being performed by a Spanish singer.

"_I know this room, I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you…I've seen your flag on the marble arch, Love is not a victory march, It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah…hallelujah…"_

Cas's eyes sank back down to the floor. "I see, I'm sorry, Bobby." he mumbled.

"Look, I don't even think I want to _know_ what's going on, but I'm not an idjit, boy. You need to snap out of this. This is the world. This is what _people_ go through. It's messed up. It sucks, but it's not as bad as death. You think I aint felt my share of 'no'? Sometimes things don't go the way we think they're going to." Bobby said, pouring himself a small glass of whiskey, before handing the angel the remaining bottle. One bottle of whiskey should be enough to get the warm-fuzzy feeling going in angels. They tolerate alcohol so well.

"Now are you gonna sit there knittin doilies or are you gonna take off your skirt and help me fix this car? With Dean and the Impala gone, Sam needs something to drive around." Bobby asked, once the angel in his garage had taken a few belts of whiskey. Yes, Sam was back. He hadn't been in Hell long at all. He didn't remember it, really. He didn't know how he was back on Earth, alive. But he was, and when he saw that Dean was living a life, truly happy with Lisa and her son, he backed off, he too going back to Bobby's to regroup. He let his brother go. Just like Cas had done, and just like Bobby had done, refusing to interfere with his new life and new joy he found in it.

"Okay." Cas replied, getting to his feet, taking off his tie and rolling up his sleeves. _I'm now going to learn how to fix a car._

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Sam came back to Bobby's later that day and thought it would be a good idea to cheer up his angel friend. He noticed that Castiel had been in a bad place since Dean left. They were both on the same page with that. He missed Dean, too. At least…he thought he did. He should. He knew that much. But this time, the aching inside wasn't like before. It was almost imagined. But Sam wasn't an idiot. He could see that Cas's pain was very real. And he thought to himself, what better way to cheer up a friend besides getting hammered drunk?

He noticed the angel was already on his way, with his bottle of whiskey. That wasn't going to do it, though. Previously, it took an entire liquor store to get Cas staggering.

"Here. Drink some of this." Sam said with a smile, offering Cas a large cup of something neon green. Castiel didn't argue and swallowed it down, coughing once.

"What was that?" he asked, making a bitter face.

"A jug of Nyquil…and some anti-freeze."

"Anti-freeze? But that's poison." Cas said, surprised and dropped the cup on the counter.

"Yeah, so is drinking an entire liquor store, for us. Not for you. How do you feel?"

Castiel stood quietly for a moment. He wasn't in any pain. Actually, things started to feel pretty good. Almost like how he felt after drinking a whopping 30 pints of some clear liquor back in the store.

"I feel warm." he replied with a grin.

"Good, then here's another. Drink up, cause you need to catch up to me and I'm already three sheets out." Sam said, with a grin.

"Sheets?"

"It's a figure of speech."

"Sam, how did you know the anti-freeze wouldn't poison me?"

"Never you mind. Now let's get drunk and make bad decisions." Sam assured, pouring another concoction into his friend's cup.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"So I tell the bitch…I says…'bitch, you need to go. No…no, I don't wanna… talk about it. You need to goooo.'" Sam was telling his story, pointing toward the door of the house for effect. Yes, he was very drunk by now, 10:17pm to be exact.

Castiel sat listening to his story, now rather intoxicated himself, almost smiling and almost forgetting that Dean was gone. Almost forgetting. At that moment, Dean was on his mind and he stared down into the floor. _How could he leave? He thought Sam was in Hell, yes, but I didn't stop existing. He said he loved me…in not so many words._

"Hey," Sam started, drawing the angel's attention back up to making their eyes connect, "talk to me, man. Why are you so down? Is it a woman?"

Castiel started to shake his head 'no' but Sam went on with his speech anyway.

"Psh…forget her, Cas. If she doesn't want to cut the crap and be with you, well screw her. You know why? Cause you're awesome, my friend."

"Awesome?" Castiel asked, wondering if he heard correctly through Sam's slurred speech.

"Damn right!" Sam shouted, banging one hand down on the table they sat at in the room aside from Bobby's kitchen. "And if her ass can't see it…man, she's probably stupid."

Cas nodded, _when you're right, you're right. Dean wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. But he was my knife, and I don't care if he was so dull he couldn't cut butter. _He chuckled at this. It was funny not being the only person inebriated. "Sam, are you drunk?"

"Hell no…I'm not…*burp* drunk. I'm a…grown ass man. And you're…a grown man…so cheer up." Sam said, taking another drink of his beer.

"I don't know where I went….wrong, Sam. Maybe I should… just go to a church and become a nun." Cas added, now not making sense of his own words. Mentally he reminded himself not to mention Dean.

"Men can't be nuns." Sam laughed.

Castiel sighed. "Then why the hell did I pick this vessel? I should have just picked a woman….that would have….made life easier."

"No…no, cause then you'd be hot…ter than usual. Then Dean would have already slept with you and killed your self-respect. It always happens when we know girls. Except Jo. She died with dignity. I'm not being gay or anything…but you chose a pretty good vessel, I think. I do." Sam said, raising an eyebrow at his friend.

"How do you know that a female version of me would give in to him?" Castiel asked in suspicion.

"Well…you already do everything he says anyway. You're always coming to his rescue, putting band aids on his booboos. And where is he now? Pssshhhh." Sam motioned his hand like a rocket, zooming it away from himself. "Gone, man. Playing house. You and me, we were expendable."

"Very true, Sam."

"No…you don't even know. You're my amigo, Cas. You and me are like, right here." Sam insisted, drunkly motioning at the space between the two men. "I love you, man."

Castiel's eyebrow raised, "Thanks…Sam…I… appreciate that."

"Come on, man. You should get out there…start dating…there are plenty of fish in the boat."

"You mean in the sea?" Cas asked, taking in another mouthful of the disgusting drink.

"Yeah, maybe if you fish like a girl."

"Maybe…God works in mysterious ways." Castiel suggested, not into the idea of God anymore. It came out instinctively.

Sam made a fart noise with his mouth, moving his hand back and forth with a jerking off gesture in the air.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The night wore on, with much more drinking, more of Sam's unsolicited relationship advice. There was eventually Sam turning up Bobby's radio and not only did he sing way off key to Eric Clapton's 'Layla', he also opted to mouth the guitar solos, attempting to dance, though he was far too hammered to care how foolish he looked. Cas was actually giggling at this, which he never would have done sober. Usually, he was very somber and in control of his own thoughts and emotions. He was forever ruining jokes because of this.

"So who is she?" Sam goaded again. He had been doing this for hours and Castiel had not given him any clues as to who this mysterious _woman_ was.

"Is it Anna?"

"No, Anna's dead, Sam." Cas replied.

Sam covered his mouth as if to try taking back his social faux pa, forgetting in his stupor that she'd lost her life going back in time to kill off Mary Winchester.

"Is it…that lady at the pharmacy?"

"That woman is easily in her 60s."

"Well how old are you, man…It's a little…late in the game. I mean, you're long in the tooth to be…choosey."

Cas shrugged, taking another very long swallow or 10 of his drink.

"Wait, is it Dean?"

Cas's eyes widened, before Sam started to laugh. "I'm just kidding, man! Dean's not a chick. Dude! You're funny." Sam turned the station on the radio, from where it was at, somehow redialing to "Leave Me Breathless" noting that it was too gay for him.

_It was the heat of the moment. _

Sam's eyes raised up to Castiel, and the two of them looked around the room in discomfort, this song meaning something to both of them. Sam remembered back in the day when he watched Dean die over and over. This same song came on the radio every morning.

_Heeeeeat of the moment._

"I don't…feel very well." Sam said, standing up to run to the bathroom. Cas stood up and followed in concern, watching his friend throw up.

"Okay, now that's over. Hand me my beer."

"I don't think so. Apparently Sam Winchester can't hold his liquor."

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

His eyes opened again as the sunlight shone through his lids. The familiar sensation of snuggling against a warm body greeted his senses. _Was I asleep? I don't sleep. My head hurts._ He looked ahead to see that the form he was curled around was Sam. Castiel reeled back in surprise, falling onto the floor.

"Morning." Sam groaned, stretching from where he lay on his back.

"Sam! Did we-? What happened last night?" Cas couldn't hardly string two words together in his panic.

"Did we sleep together?"

"Yes. What do you think? Why else would you end up in bed with me?" Sam asked, looking at Castiel like he was ringing a bell in Time Square, yelling about doomsday.

"Did we…" Cas huffed. "Sam, what the… I don't remember anything."

"That's because you hit your head on the sink and passed out."

"I passed out?"

"Yeah, you drank anti-freeze, what did you think was going to happen?" Sam said, rolling his eyes.

"You told me to."

"What are you doing on the floor?" Sam's voice cracked and he coughed, shooting a hand up to cover his head where it throbbed. He had a hangover.

"So nothing sexual?"

"No, I'm not gay, Cas. Besides, in Bobby's house? Who does that?" Sam asked, as if that was the most far-fetched idea ever.

Castiel gazed down at the floor, slightly embarrassed. _I can't believe this. I woke up in bed with SAM. Sam! Dean's brother. Why? Am I just that lonely that I was thinking about it?_ Cas truly did think about intimacy with Sam at one point the previous night. Sober he would have never acted on his need for intimacy at missing Dean as he did. But drunk, it had started to seem like an idea that wouldn't have haunted him for the rest of his life. _That's it. No more getting that drunk. I belong with Dean, not Sam. If there's no Dean, there's no love. _

ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

SONG CREDITS:

Love Hurts- Nazareth  
Best I Ever Had- Gary Allen  
Somebody That I Used To Know- Gotye  
Love The Way You Lie Pt. 2- Rihanna/Eminem  
Build Me Up Buttercup- The Foundations  
Hallelujah- (Multiple covers)  
Layla- Eric Clapton  
Heat of the Moment- Asia


	9. Chapter 9

This takes place in Season 6: Spoilers from Episodes 3 to 6.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Hello?" Sam asked in disbelief.

"Y-yes." Cas replied, standing not but two feet from the human moose. He could see that Sam was slowly becoming angry at his sudden appearance back into their lives. Castiel had been gone for a year, the whole year that Dean was living with Lisa and Ben. He left with a hangover after waking up beside Sam that morning. Time as nothing more than celestial matter went by so much faster than it did on Earth. Had it really been a year? He'd been so busy for… yes, a whole year. It was now gone and Dean was back with Sam, hunting again? What had they discussed in his absence? Did Dean know how long Sam had been home?

"Hello." Sam said toward Dean, in a throaty, Castiel-like voice. "Hello?" He said again, in his own voice, as if this word did not compute.

"Uh..that is, still the term?" Cas asked, not 100% sure why Sam was angry. Yes, Sam had called on him once or twice, but he'd been busy and that last awkward moment with Sam was enough to make it to where he didn't want to come back to Earth, especially the shameful pleasantness of it.

"I spent all that time trying to get through to you. Dean calls once and suddenly its 'hello'?" Sam starts again in his exasperation.

"Yes." Castiel replied, stepping forward, toward Dean, barely listening to Sam until he asked.

"So, you like him better or something?" _Sam, that's an odd thing for you to say. What inspires the slight jealousy in your voice?_

The angel stopped in his tracks, taking a moment to coach himself on how to answer that question before saying,

"Dean and I…do share a more…profound bond." This earned him a look from Dean's direction that said 'don't you tell him', to which he replied aloud with, "I wasn't going to mention it."

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

That conversation had taken place weeks ago, and from that time on, Dean always made himself too busy to be caught off-guard by Cas. He didn't want to talk about _it_, whatever it was. He'd been trying to hold on to both Sam and his happy life with Lisa, but both were no longer the same. Cas tagged along anyway, because of course Dean would find himself needing help. They'd been investigating deaths as a result of part of Moses's staff, and Cas had managed to get his ass beat all around Balthazar's house, only to be rescued at the last moment by an old friend, Balthazar himself, who happened to have just the tool needed to transform Raphael's vessel into a pile of salt. Having destroyed the human form, the fallen angel had spared the group of misfits some time before another suitable vessel would be found.

Bobby's initial deal with Crowley, the one that nobody thought was a good idea, turned out to NOT be a good idea. Crowley went back on his promise and decided to 'hold on' to Bobby's soul for 10 years. So there was that to deal with, and of course the Winchesters were going to quest it out and help their friend. Bobby, as resourceful as he was, managed to solve much of his own problem, using feuding ghost-sons and a crossroads demon to dig up a bit of dirt on the new King of Hell. Research, something Bobby did best, paid off in the end, and after sending the boys on a trip to Scotland to use Crowley's original bones as leverage, the soul was returned and Crowley found out what being duped by humans felt like.

Dean managed to get himself bitten by a vampire, on another one of their cases. They'd been investigating missing girls in the area, and it seemed that they'd been sucked into a cult of extreme douchebaggery. This was a mistake on behalf of the vampires, and Dean used his new horrible abilities to his advantage, slaughtering every single one of them in the den before using Samuel's magical cure for vampirism, remembering that Sam stood back and allowed him to be turned. Yes, Samuel had a cure, but Sam had to know that Dean hated vampires and did not want to be part of them. He also knew how painful a cure would be. Any other day, his brother would have come running to help. Dean wasn't out of the woods, as when he was under the spell of the desire for blood, he and Lisa had another falling out. It seemed more and more like he was falling back into square one. His brother was back, and Dean's place was with him, always. He'd been so angry that everyone left him in the dark, essentially keeping him from Sam for over a year. But was this really Sam?

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Hey, so…I've been meaning to ask you." Sam started, scratching the back of his head, not in nervousness. It was a habit really.

"Ask me what?" Castiel replied. It was the first time that the two of them had been alone together for a year.

"I just want the _truth_, Cas. What did you mean by the whole profound bond line back when you first showed up?" Sam had overheard Dean doing all of this 'truth' nonsense on people. Something was going on in this town, and people were saying the deepest secrets of their thoughts if only somebody would ask to hear it. Sam wanted the truth right now.

The trench-coat clad angel shifted uncomfortably where he stood, feeling the cold gaze of Sam bearing down on him from only a foot away. Sam could be a domineering creature, especially now. He had no idea how terrifying this was. Dean didn't want Cas to say anything about the two of them, not a word, but for some reason, the words just came pouring out no matter what the angel did to try stopping them.

"Okay…" Cas took in a deep breath. "I love him. I love Dean. I have for a long time. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did. I would give anything to be with him, in every sense of the word that having him could mean. He's my world, my light, my grace. I rejected Heaven itself to live in his presence."

Sam stood listening, and then replied with, "Does he know?"

"Yes." Cas replied, trying to break eye contact with the younger Winchester brother, but something kept his gaze transfixed.

"And…what does he think about it?" Sam's eyebrows were moving around in the strange way that they did when he was really trying to figure something out.

"I don't know. Sometimes I think he loves me too, but other times, like the past year in its entirety, I feel that I'm the one who's wrong."

"You think he loves you?" Sam asked, clarifying with an amused smile on his face. "What gives you that idea? Did he…say it?"

"Not in so many words, no. But…for a time, he was almost…my…partner."

"What?!" Sam asked. He thought Dean trusted him with everything. Usually any deceiving that his brother would pull would have upset him greatly, but now it didn't hurt. He was interested, though, in finding out what Castiel meant. He never pictured Dean loving a guy. Well, Cas wasn't really a guy. He was an angel. His vessel was a guy, but Cas…itself…had no gender. "Cas, do you mean 'partner' like…boyfriend?"

"Yes, Sam." His response was barely above a whisper.

"What would you consider a boyfriend?" Sam asked, not meaning to sound patronizing, but the tone was there anyway. When Castiel looked at him in irritation, he added, "Sorry, I just didn't know if you angels knew how human relationships worked."

"I consider…a boyfriend to be…someone I love. Someone I would give my life for, someone I go out of my way for, and someone I have provided with pitches of… uncontrolled ecstasy." He explained, raising an eyebrow and struggling out the last bit.

"You…_slept_ with him?! With Dean?" Sam asked, voice now showing insane disbelief. _Dean's straight. There's no way. Cas has to have some sort of immunity to this truth thing, and he's messing with me._

"Yes, Sam." The angel broke his gaze and looked down at the floor in shame. He'd blown their secret and had no idea why. Telling Sam seemed like a horrible idea, and yet he had no control over anything that was being said. It was like being enchanted, but in a dirty sort of way. Now Sam was going to have a different impression of both of them, and though Cas didn't care what Sam thought, Dean did. Sam was going to think less of Dean and it was all his fault. Him and his big mouth.

"Are you serious?"

Cas made an 'mhmm' noise without looking up.

"Were you drunk?"

Cas made an 'uh uh' noise, still glaring a hole in the ground.

"Was he?"

Same 'uh uh' noise.

"Did it happen more than once?"

"Mhmm"

"Were you bottom?"

"Yes."

Sam laughed. He didn't mean to laugh but he did. This was too rich. This new lack of sensing right from wrong that he'd been feeling, and this new secret being opened to him. He'd never imagined the person that his brother was hiding behind. This made him question having truly known Dean. He always thought he had, but this was something that he would have noticed if he'd just been paying attention.

"Does anybody else know?" Sam asked.

"Bobby might. But I don't know. Please don't tell him that you know. He does care so greatly about your opinion." Cas begged, "Please, I'll do anything to spare him your judgment."

"Anything?" Sam asked.

"No…?" Cas replied, cautious.

"I was only kidding. So…Dean's gay, huh?"

"Not exactly. He's been rejecting my advances lately. He doesn't seem attracted to me anymore. Honestly, I'm at a loss."

"Hm, looks like you have 99 problems and Dean is ALL of them."

Instead of saying that he didn't understand that reference, Cas, now totally humiliated and betrayed by his own speech, now said "Sam, I have to go, now."

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The truth day continued and at some point Dean made a phone call to his angel friend. As much as Cas hoped that this was going to be a warm conversation, he only called to complain about Sam. He was still angry about Sam allowing him to be bitten by the vampire a while back, and when he confronted Sam about it, he wasn't satisfied with the conversation.

"Well, maybe he was lying." Cas offered.

"No, he was telling the truth. It just doesn't make sense." Dean replied.

"You know, Dean, secretly, when I'm alone… I think about human life. I try not to, but the thought enters my mind that you and Sam are not going to live very long, in comparison with my life. You two and Bobby are the only people in the heavens and on Earth that I can call my friends. It bothers me to think that you are all going to age and I'm going to see you all die. Your lives are going to go so quickly in my eyes, but for you a hundred years is a long time. Also… I've been listening to a lot of rap music lately and it concerns me."

"Rap music? What are you talking about?" Dean sounded so annoyed, and rather mean.

"I don't know why I'm saying this. I'm sorry."

"Well Cas, while you were over there in your own little world, I just stepped in some dog shit listening to you yammer on."

"Dogs are disgusting. I could consider myself a cat person. I like them. Especially the smaller ones. What am I talking about?"

"I don't know! Stop."

"It's the truth, Dean."

"Yeah, that's been going around lately. Remind me not to use the word 'truth' for as long as I live, Cas."

"Okay."

"I have to go, Sam's coming. Damn, he freaks me out."

"I love you, Dean." Cas muttered into the phone as a closing greeting. He didn't know why he said it. It just sort of slipped from his mind out of his mouth.

"I love you too." Dean said without thinking, before hanging up the phone.

As he slid the object into his pocket, his eyes widened and he stared straight ahead. Realization of what he just said hit like a ton of bricks. _I just said…I just said I loved him. _The older Winchester brother stood there, stunned, moving his mouth in a strange sort of way, eyebrows then furrowed together in confusion and inability to accept what had just happened. _I just said I loved him, on Truth Day. There's no way in Hell… but then, if nobody has the ability to lie… No. No, I couldn't have just…_His heart started to thud about in his chest, flipping and thumping as if it were trying to escape. He felt light-headed. _What's going on here? _

"Hey. You okay?" Sam asked, breaking his brother's train of thought. "You look like you just saw a ghost. Did you?"

"N-no. I'm fine." Dean whispered, steadying himself against a tree.

"You don't look fine. You look like…Hell."

"Thanks, Sammy."

"Was that Cas on the phone?" Sam asked.

"No!" Dean replied quickly, causing Sam to give him one of his 'Sam is offended' looks.

"Okay. You don't have to get uptight about it."

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The two managed to find the goddess Verita and slay her in the home she had acquired, but not before she announced that Sam was not human, and Cas was right. When Dean asked him for the truth, Sam was able to lie. He did lie. Something was wrong with him, and it made Dean distrust and dislike him even more than he did before. What was happening? He wasn't human? How? When? He looked like Sam.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"We need to talk."

Dean sighed, already dreading it.

"About the other day, Dean. On the phone." Cas said quietly, carefully choosing his words so as not to send the other man into one of his moods.

"No. I don't want to talk about it. That was weird."

"I want to talk about it. I always do what you say. When you tell me to shut up, usually I do. Everything you ask, I follow through. But when you told me you love me on the phone, I dropped the damn thing on the ground and it broke all over the place. The woman standing beside me laughed her dentures out."

"Don't do this, man. Not right now."

"If not now, when? The waiting is becoming unbearable. I don't know what's happening with you, with me, with us. I understand that you're worried about Sam and mourning the life you lived for a year, up until recently. But I've been waiting for you, this whole time. I was around before all of that."

"Cas, stop."

"Why is it so hard for you to admit it? Why, Dean? You've never been one to back down from anything in your way. Why is this what cripples you? Why is the idea of us so disgusting to you?"

"I don't know! Man, I don't know why. Would you just shut up?" Dean snapped. He already said he didn't want to talk about this. Cas could be so damn pushy sometimes. "I don't want to. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what's going on. But this isn't me. I'm not…" He trailed off.

"You're still so bent on punishing yourself, even when there isn't anything left to lose. Are you afraid that you might feel whole?"

"No."

"Then what is it? You have been stringing me on for close to two years. I have waited like a loyal pet, for you. One moment you're beside me, the next minute you run. I can't help if you won't stay. I just don't understand. How is it that you can engage in intercourse with me repeatedly, or kiss me secretly, but you won't take one more tiny step and be with me? I can make you happy, but somehow that's the part that disturbs you."

"Cas, you know this whole thing…this thing here, it was a mess from the start. It was hopeless. Someone like you, and someone like me?"

"What's so strange about that? If you'd open your eyes, any idiot on this planet could see that you and I-"

"No Cas!"

"Yes! I gave you everything, Dean! Everything! And you took everything, like a leech, overcome with greed and the desire for my blood. You took, and took, and I gave, and now all I want is you. You are the only thing that matters to me anymore. Not this fight that I'm losing, nothing. Only you, and the reason I'm fighting for this damn world is because you love it so much. What did you think was going to happen here?"

"You'd think you would know me by now-"

"I do know you! It's you that doesn't want to face who you are. You've been to Hell, what could be worse? What do you think is going to happen if you just let go and admit to me that you love me?"

Dean paused, looking frustrated and lost, bringing one hand up to run through his hair before staring down at the floor of the hotel room they'd been arguing in.

"I know who I am." Dean mumbled.

"That's apparent." Cas scoffed, now rather bitter at Dean's refusals. "What the hell are you running from? If you know who you are, then you know you love me. It's just tragic that it takes the truth being forced from you for me to hear it."

"I love you, kay? Is that what you want to hear? I have never loved anyone like I do you. I didn't want to. I still don't want to, because I'm a shitty human being and all I'm going to do is hurt you."

"Dean, we're still living a dangerous life here. Raphael may still kill all of us. Why spend the quite possible last time we have on earth in a lie?"

The human refused to look up from where he fixed his eyes on a rip in the carpet. He stood completely overwhelmed, not knowing what to do or say. He was not at all ready to come to grips with himself as a person, a man that always enjoyed the company of women, now suddenly falling in love with a man. Yes, Cas was right. Gender shouldn't matter. He knew it, and it never mattered when they'd been together, but to say it out loud and confirm the things he'd been denying, he wasn't ready for it.

He could hear soft footsteps approaching and familiar arms wrapping around him to shelter his disheveled state. He leaned into it, feeling warm and safe for just a moment. He wished another second wouldn't have to go by. If he could just stay here, forever, he would. If time would stop, nobody would have to know. They could be free. Here, with Castiel, he didn't have to worry about Sam, or who ran heaven. Who cares? Heaven is right here, in Cas's arms, with their hearts beating as just one heart.

"I'm so sorry." The human sobbed, unable to control the tidal wave of emotions crashing over him, standing there a broken man.

"Shhh. I know." Cas replied. When he said this, Dean knew that he was saying 'I know' not just to his words, but everything. He understood everything.

"I can't…" Dean started again.

"I know." Cas repeated. "I wish there was something I could do to help you through this. It's your fight, Dean. I would give anything to spare you this, but I will never pretend that I don't feel the way that I do for you, but I will keep your secret. I'm not happy about it. Don't for a second think I am. But I will continue to stay by your side."


	10. Chapter 10

This episode is rather long and closely follows the Season 6 episodes 7 to the beginning of 19. Contains spoilers. Sorry it's so long and tedious, but I wanted to cover a lot of ground in this one. Mentions of male/male sexual situations.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Is he speaking in tongues?" The monotonous voice asked Dean, then directed to Sam himself, who was tied to a chair. "Are you speaking in tongues?"

"No, why?" Sam asked, incredulously. "Are you diagnosing me?" He asked the man in the tan trench coat that was standing much closer to him than Dean dared stand. His brother was farther off in the corner of the room, close to the door.

"You better hope he can." Dean said, flat expression on his face.

"Do you really think that-" Sam started, trying to jerk himself away from Cas's fingers feeling for a pulse in the side of his neck.

"You think that there's a clinic out there for people that just pop out of Hell wrong?" Dean asked, stepping forward, a more demanding tone coming over his voice. "He asks, you answer, and then you shut your hole. Got it?"

Castiel avoided smiling to himself at this. Though they were cross with one another, still fighting as they were, Dean still demanded that people respect his angel, even Sam. Sam who was his brother and one of the dearest things to his life. It could have been Dean's cruelty just at Sam's current state, but Cas liked to think that there was something endearing at that demand for respect.

"How much do you sleep?" Cas asked, having taken a moment to piece together his findings so far.

"I don't." Sam replied.

"At all?" Dean asked in surprise.

"Not since I got back."

"And it never occurred to you that there might be something off about that?!" Dean asked, getting in his brother's face a little more.

"Of course it did. I just…never told you." Sam continued, trying to explain in the best way that he could. It wasn't working. He could see that Dean wasn't buying any of it.

"Sam…what are you feeling now?" Cas urged, not sure if Sam understood what he meant. He didn't, because he replied with a scoff and said:

"I feel like my nose is broken." It probably was. He'd been hit pretty hard and his face was bloody.

"No, that's a physical sensation." Cas replied, sounding very much like a doctor. "How do you feel?"

"I…don't know." Sam said, after taking only seconds to let the question seep in.

The angel and Dean looked at one another, and Cas reached down to take off his belt. Sam's eyes widened slightly, then observed in suspicion what might be happening next.

"This will be unpleasant." Cas said, instructing Sam to bite down on the leather that was pushed into his mouth. Sam's eyes snapped around the room wildly, unsure of the implications here.

"If there's some place you find soothing, you should go there now."

Without hesitating, Cas leaned over Sam, reaching forward and slowly driving his hand up past the human's sternum, literally pushing past his skin and up into his organs. Sam bit down and groaned, then started to scream in pain as much as the belt would allow him to. His head leaned back and the veins on his neck pulsed angrily. Light pressed out against the angel's arm as he slowly pulled out, letting Sam slump forward, catching his breath from the incredible pain he'd been in.

"Anything?" Dean asked.

"No." Cas replied quietly.

"That's good news?"

"I'm afraid not. Physically he's perfectly healthy."

"But what?" Dean asked, looking at Sam who was also waiting for some sort of answer for the painful invasion.

"It's his soul. It's gone."

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Sam's soullessness was dancing on Dean's last nerve. Everything was. He and Castiel were still awkward around one another, and the angel was absent a lot more often in the middle of the holy war he was waging, even though he professed to rather be here on Earth with his friends.

Despite Sam being a total handicap, Dean was forced to bring him along on their cases, even though he didn't help as much as he should have, and even though he made their time together rather unpleasant. Dealing with their grandfather and his dirty deeds was enough. Being forced into indirectly helping Crowley was more than enough, but then the two of them had to face up against skin walkers, and Dean later found himself kidnapped by fairies. Sam came through in the end, but it wasn't the same. It was too hard to deal with the difficulty of having a human with no soul, where one used to be. Sam was a soulless dick bag. He didn't try to be. He truly couldn't feel like himself, the man he used to be. Something had to be done about it.

It was agreed that they were going to press Crowley into helping them, being that they helped him. The two felt that they had leverage. They wanted freedom from his bounds, but to get Sam's soul back and to get to the bottom of the 'secret prison' full of supernatural alphas that were being held and tortured. What did a demon want with them? What did he need so badly? Well, they were going to kill two birds with one stone. The brothers knew where Crowley would be, at his prison, and they were going to get in touch with him, and he was going to help Sam get his soul back. As much as they didn't want to, the group had no other ally but demon Meg and her group. It was entirely unpleasant to have an angel and a group of demons together. The tension was obvious. They'd infiltrated the prison, and it truly was a fortress, full of hell hounds and sigils that trapped anything that wasn't human inside. Meg's demons were killed off one by one, but she stuck ahead with the group.

"I knew this was a trap." Dean grunted, as they found themselves caught in a wide hallway between two doors.

"What do you want, a cupcake?" Meg asked, very much aware that there was a strong chance of it being a trap. There was no surprises with Crowley.

"That should keep them out." Sam pointed toward the barricaded door, rattling with hell hounds on the other side of it.

"How many of them are there?" Dean asked Meg. She was a demon and could actually see the creatures, unlike the humans.

"Lots. I'll be pulling for you. From Cleveland." Meg started.

"What?!"

"I didn't know this was gonna happen. Bright side, them chewing on my meat suit ought to buy you a few seconds." Meg tilted her head back, opening her mouth and waited…and waited. _Damn! That's right. The stupid sigils._

"Spell, I think. From Crowley." Cas started, looking smart. "Within these walls, you're trapped inside your body."

"Karma's a bitch, bitch." Dean said, earning a scowl from the inconvenienced demon.

Sam pulled the demon blade from his pocket.

"What are you gonna do? Slash at thin air til you hit something?" Dean asked.

Sam ignored him and offered the blade to Meg. "You can see them. Take this. Hold them off, its our best shot."

She stood for a moment, thinking about it, and then agreed. She hated Crowley as much as they did, and why not? There wasn't a whole lot besides pain that they could bring her. Pain and death.

In a second, she reached forward in a last ditch effort, gripping the angel by the back of his neck and bringing their lips together. _If I'm gonna die, why not make things uncomfortable for everybody involved?_ She pressed firmly against him, placing her free hand against a clothed ribcage. When she broke the contact, she looked up at him and smiled, feeling smart and victorious. It was her eyes that widened when Cas spun the two of them, placing her back against the wall and resuming their kiss much more deeply than she'd initiated.

Why? Not even Cas knew. He knew that he was kissing Meg, and that was it. This didn't feel like kissing Dean, but at that moment, it didn't matter. He could feel his human's eyes on them, and it was what he wanted, to stir the pot a bit. It felt good. Not necessarily the kiss, which did feel good, but tasted horrible. But knowing that Dean's eyes were on him right now. Feeding him the same jealousy he inspired when he was with Lisa. It was exhilarating. He and Dean hadn't kissed in some time. He missed it, and now crashing his lips against those of a demon was filling some sort of emptiness and need. He could feel Dean moving about behind them. He couldn't see what he was doing, but there was some sort of urgent movement.

"What was that?" Meg asked, smirking when at last, he pulled away. Cas turned to his friends for a moment, noting that Sam looked a little concerned. He didn't have a soul, so he couldn't feel betrayal radiating from his brother, but he remembered their talk, and his actions were a surprise. Dean's eyes, however, were incredibly wide. He stood there in shock, as if his eyes were about to break out of his skull and fly away. Cas averted his eyes, now guilty and unable to maintain eye contact.

"I learned that from the pizza man." Dean's eyes went from Cas, taking in his comment, and faded gaze down to the floor.

Meg gave him a look, as if to say, 'sure you did'. She was incredibly smart and as a demon, she could read people. The air was tense. She could see the looks she was getting. _You don't learn something like that from no pizza man. That was a baby-makin' kiss._

"Well, A-plus for you. Feel so clean." Meg replied.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

She'd fought the hell hounds while the others took off in the other direction. Of course it was an incredible challenge, but at the end of it, she was still alive. It was very literally like jumping out of a burning skillet and onto an open flame, because she was overcome by another demon, strapped to a cross-shaped table and tortured with the same demon blade she'd used to save her own life. This wasn't her first rodeo, and she'd taken the torture with a grain of salt and a few screams when the pain became too intense. It didn't last long, as an unexpected thing happened. It was Dean. He drove a blade through the demon's sternum and saved her. He didn't have to. She didn't understand what it was about, especially with the bitter look he burned right into her eyes as he unfastened the leather straps that held her in place.

The entire process was rather in vain, though. The group soon found out that Crowley couldn't help them get Sam's soul out of the Cage. Castiel presented him with an ultimatum, appearing with Crowley's original bones and threatened to burn them if he didn't help them. He couldn't, and in his frustration at losing, Cas promptly burned the bones. The confusion offered Meg some time to escape. She knew that once Crowley was gone, she was the next target in the room.

"She's smart, I'll give her that. I was gonna kill her too. Course I'd have given you an hour with her first." Dean noted to Cas, not looking at him.

"Why would I want that?"

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Once outside, Dean decided to break the silence by thanking his friend. Yes, what had been happening recently was bad news, but the pleading look in his eyes was more than could be handled in silence. Cas noted that his battle wasn't going well, and some desperate thoughts were hidden behind usually bright blue eyes. They were faded and gray, almost in despair. He was hiding something terrible from them. He hated it, and hated himself for it. But it was the only way. There was nothing his humans could do to help him without getting killed, but he could still save them and their world. There was only one way. It was like waiting to be executed, just looking at the rope that would be used to kill you. Just waiting. He knew a real shit-storm was coming, and this last little moment of friendship he had with the Winchesters was sure to fade away very soon, as soon as they knew the truth. He would be by their side until then, until they knew, and until they cast him out. In his guilt, he wanted something to do for them, looking to Sam, who asked him to 'take care' of the alphas and creatures that were still trapped in Crowley's prison. He didn't need any more explaining than that, and entered those halls again, systematically killing every last thing in that building. It blew off steam, but it brought no solace. Being with humans taught him that killing any living thing was wrong, though it was sometimes needed.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

As Dean promised, he found a way. Death. Death was the answer. He'd met the everlasting being only a short time ago, and they seemed to have an understanding. He wasn't wrong in his thinking. Death agreed to aide him in retrieving Sam's soul from the Cage, something not hard for someone of his power. Maybe he liked Dean. Maybe he just wanted to stick it to Lucifer a little more. Either way, he offered his help under one condition, Dean would have to wear Death's ring for one full day, and join with a reaper to take the souls of the dying. One full day and he had to do everything he was told to do, following Tess around and taking people into the light beside her. He couldn't remove the ring for the whole day, or the agreement would have been voided.

It wasn't as easy as he thought it would be. The first couple of souls were no big deal, a store robbery gone wrong here, a fat guy having a heart attack there. Then there was the little girl. Dean wouldn't take her. Even though she was sick, and it was her time. There was nothing Tess could do to explain it, so she let Dean learn on his own, watching the chain reaction in the wake of the mistake that he made. Instead of her dying, the nurse that had been charged with her care during surgery was let go early. She went home, was involved in a car accident, and died. When her soul asked why she had to do, Tess pointed at Dean. It was true. It was his fault she was dead.

Though by the end of the day, he'd removed the ring from his hand to stop the mess he was making, he'd gotten the point that Death was trying to make. The disasters he'd caused had a new light shed on them when he was the one that had to clean up after it. He got it, and though he'd broken the deal, Death came through for him, going into Hell, bringing his soul back, and placing it back where it belonged.

"Tell him, don't scratch the wall." He'd said. He referred to the wall that he placed over Sam's memories of Hell. The thoughts of what happened to his soul while it was in the Cage was too much for any human to take. Seeing it all again could easily turn Sam into a babbling, brain-damaged vegetable. Cas had said it before, that the soul was a mess. He didn't want Dean to get it back, for fear of what it would do if Sam knew of his past. Dean insisted. As much of a risk as it was, Dean needed his Sammy back.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

When Sam opened his eyes again, he was new. He had no memory at all of what had happened in Hell, or any time afterward. He was a blank slate. This relieved Cas greatly. Not only was Sam going to be alright for the time being, but he also had completely forgotten that little confession regarding the nature of Cas and Dean's relationship. He didn't have to worry about Sam confronting Dean about it anymore. He didn't have to worry about Dean being angry with him about that. Maybe things could go back to normal for just a short time. Sam was okay. The wall worked, and God forbid it ever crack.

Sam's memories from the past year did leak back to him, though. A little piece at a time, centering around a case that he and his brother had been on. Virgins were being taken. For what? Ritual sacrifice? No, that only happened in movies. Sam didn't know, and the tiny flashes of memory didn't help.

Dragons. They'd found it to be dragons. Why would dragons want virgins? At first they'd thought it would be to host dragon babies. It didn't matter what they were wanted for. They needed saving. Sam, with his new soul, and Dean as always were going back to the indomitable team they'd been. They fought the dragons, using the broken end of a rare dragon-killing blade to puncture such solid flesh. It was rough, but the two managed to save the girls, all but one, who was unaccounted for.

Mother of All. Nobody knew what the hell that meant. But that's what the dragons intended the virgins for. They wanted to open Purgatory and let something escape into the world of man. The Mother of All was what they called her. That was all Bobby could find on the ordeal. He promised to dig up more dirt, but in the meantime, things were getting busy again. More odd things were happening, and in another town, men were going missing. This town gave Sam unbearable dejavu. He'd been there before, been with…some women. He remembered gunshots, his grandfather, something else. Murder. Yes, that's it. Brenda, the missing sheriff's wife was the key to the missing time. She brought the memories flooding back. Her husband was missing because of Sam. Sam baited the man to catch up to Arachnes, spider people. He tracked all of them, and shot them while they were bound in webs. It came back to bite him in the ass. The sheriff didn't die and he was back for revenge. Putting him down was almost regrettable. With a soul, it was hard for Sam to face what he'd been in his past. He left, unforgiven by Brenda.

Then there were the mannequin murders. That was odd. But not nearly as disturbing as being zapped into an alternate dimension where the two of them were recognized as actors, interpreting their lives on tv. Thousands of people watched, apparently. The Supernatural books that Chuck wrote were hard enough to get used to. The conventions were even weirder. The slash fiction famed by Becky was something all on its own. But this? TV? Their lives? Everyone was watching? How much did they see? Dean was unnerved to no end by this thought. This side of the world was impossible to get used to. Not only was Sam married to 'fake Ruby' in their gigantic home, Cas wasn't Cas anymore. He was some guy, weirdly happy all the time, addicted to something called Twitter, always poking about on his phone. His once very well-fitting coat was replaced with a horrible sweater that Dr. Huxtable would have worn if he was a deer hunter from Canada. They'd been tracking the demon that they followed through some kind of portal. He wasted very little time in wrecking this alternate world, killing people, including fake Cas, who was later dubbed as the Attractive Crying Man by a bum that witnessed the murder.

That was an episode of their lives they didn't want to repeat, and the sooner they jumped back through the portal, the better. Even though they came back to find that the Mother of All, namely THE Eve, was now walking the Earth, brainwashing people. Bobby and Rufus joined forces to investigate. They'd found out about the worms that Eve planted in people's heads, and once the trail led the lot of them to an old warehouse with Samuel and Gwen, the worm took turns infecting people, leaving Rufus dead at the hands of an infected Bobby and Gwen dead at the hands of an infected Dean. Sam killed Samuel on his own, thinking he'd been infected, which he had. Eve sent each of them a message before the worm was electrocuted out of Bobby, stating that they were all going to die.

Bobby'd lost a friend and his suffering wasn't over yet, as the timeline suddenly changed, leading to a present where not only Ellen and Jo were still living, but Bobby married Ellen and they were a happy couple in this life. Lo and behold, this was another one of Castiel's ideas that he developed out of desperation. He convinced Balthazar to go back in time and save the historical ship Titanic from it's watery grave, sparing all the souls involved and spawning new souls for his plan. Fate, however, didn't like this plan and set to cleaning up the mess that the angel made, nearly taking his friends with her just out of punishment. Cas managed to save the Winchesters, but his mistake had to be ratified and Titanic was one again sunk, setting things back as they had to be, with Ellen dead and Bobby once again all alone.

There was a pinhole of light at the end of that tunnel, though. The Winchesters were able to discover that phoenix ash was able to kill Eve where nothing else would. Though neither of them heard of the creatures existing, an answer was provided for that too. Cas sent them back to 1861, the same place Samuel Colt's journal claimed that a phoenix died. While they were gone, the angel managed to slay everything in his way, including his lieutenant Rachel. The Winchesters only had a 24 hour period to gather the ash, and though Dean managed to burn the phoenix, who'd been known as a wrongly hanged man named Elias Finch, he failed to gather the ash. Colt came through for them, and via the postal service, delivered the goods.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Why are you walking like that?" Dean asked, noticing the slower, less graceful gait that Cas was carrying himself in. It reminded him of how Sam walked when he complained about his underwear riding up.

"My uh…groin is rather tender. The skin is raw. I can't stop scratching, Dean. I think I contracted something."

"What?! When?" Dean asked, offended.

"The only time we've been _intimate_ in the past year." Cas replied, annoyed that he had to explain. Intimate was not the word for their last encounter that occurred weeks ago. It had taken place just after Sam had his first crack-in-the-wall seizure. His soul had just been returned and everything seemed like it would be fine, until Sam was thrashing about on the floor. After his muscles went limp, he slept for the first time in a year, and slept heavily. When Cas appeared, Dean had already been drinking in excess, as he did when he was scared or distraught in some form. He worried about Sam, wondered how long he would have his brother back before the entire wall came tumbling down.

The angel and his human had been arguing, and at this point, Cas forgot what it was about. He knew it had something to do with his kissing Meg, but there was more to it. Their words got heated, and like it had before, one thing led into another. It was a surprise how aggressive Dean was while intoxicated, how he made Castiel his even though the two of them were at odds with each other. In anger, Dean had never kissed more passionately, but the rest of his movements were rough and dominating. He'd literally torn parts of their clothing during removal and it almost hurt dry-humping naked in the corner of the bathroom. The angel's hip bones bruised when Dean started with him that night, initiating entry by pressing him against the sink, which Cas broke by gripping the porcelain rim so tightly. His forehead bumped the mirror and spider webbed the glass when Dean pulled a fistful of his hair and then let go to place a possessive bite mark into Castiel's shoulder-blade, before the two of them sank down to their knees and Dean pressed the smaller man's head and chest onto the dirty tile floor, one hand covering his mouth to keep the urgent whimpers from waking Sam who slept just on the other side of the wall. In his drunken state, he noted aloud to his angel that this was "prison style" as he gripped the smaller man's hips. By the time he finished, the two men were exhausted and one was bruised but they were sated Though it was much more violent than usual, it was still their form of closeness and expression of love for one another.

Sam actually yelled at Dean the following morning when he saw the state of the bathroom.

"_Dean, what the Hell did you do in here?! The sink is broken! The mirror has blood on it! Dammit, dude. No more trying to take a shower with Jim Beam! Hangover or not, you're cleaning this shit up." _

"How do you know you caught something? Maybe it's a rash?" Dean suggested in doubt.

"Perhaps you should just see a doctor. I'm concerned. I didn't get this before when we slept together, but since you've been with Lisa, now I suddenly have-"

"Shut up, Cas." Dean seethed. He always got offended when someone mentioned her in a negative way, as if the woman was a saint. _Go to Hell, Dean. She's no princess…which is why this itches so badly. Badly wasn't the word for it. He could barely think it itched so bad._

"I could have only gotten it from you."

"What about Meg? That nasty bitch probably has-" Dean started before the angel interrupted.

"Yes, because it's characteristic for kissing on the lips to cause genital inflammation."

"Didn't I say to shut up? Last warning, open your mouth again and I swear I'll punch you into next year." Dean growled. His fists were already clenched, one already held up in seriousness.

Cas obliged and didn't speak for a while, sucking in his lower lip in frustration. The human wasn't kidding, as it wasn't the first time that he'd resorted to hitting to get his point across. It was Dean that had thrown the first punch in the history of their relationship. Castiel wasn't innocent in the matter either. Though he loved the gentle moments the two of them shared together, he'd definitely been guilty of beating the man he loved near to oblivion.

The group tracked Eve to a small town in Oregon, though they didn't know exactly where she was located. She was in the town, for sure, but where?

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"I'll search the town. Give me a moment." Cas offered, sitting beside Sam and across from Bobby at a diner while they waited.

Dean looked up a moment later.

"Cas we can still see you." He said.

"Yeah, I'm still here." Cas replied, looking puzzled.

"You don't have to wait on us." Dean assured. Cas rolled his eyes and tried to fly away again, hoping it would work this time, grunting once and closing his eyes to concentrate deeper.

"Well now it just looks like you're pooping." Dean said, entertained.

"Something's wrong." Cas said, when he found it impossible to move from his place without getting up and walking.

"What? Are you stuck?" Dean asked.

"I'm blocked." The angel replied, looking to his friends for some kind of reaction or reasoning. "I'm powerless."

"You're joking."

"Something in this town is affecting me." Came the answer. No, he wasn't joking. He was basically human here, again. That would explain the itching. It didn't start until getting to this town.

"Mom's making you limp?" Dean asked, starting to become annoyed.

"Figuratively, yes." _But only figuratively. _

"How?"

"I don't know," Cas answered truthfully. "But she is."

"Oh well, that's great. Cause without your power you're basically just a baby in a trench coat." Dean replied, disappointed and still in a bad mood.

Cas looked at the man he was usually so close to, offended. He opened his mouth to say something back, but there was nothing really to say without starting a fight in front of Sam and Bobby. Instead, he shook his head and looked out the window. _Great, Dean. Go ahead. You're punishing me because *you* gave me some sort of infection. I fail to see how that's my fault. You didn't even ask for my consent that night. _Usually, Dean would ask Cas during intimacy if this was okay, or would prompt him to say that he wanted it.

Sam looked at Bobby, then at Dean, as if to say 'awkwarrrd' but instead he whispered:

"I think you hurt his feelings."


	11. Chapter 11

Contains Spoilers from the end of Mommy Dearest, all the way through the end of Season 6, and the next chapter goes right into the last episode on into the beginning of Season 7.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Eve's first hybrids didn't do well, and that was what gave her away. Team Free Will managed to track one to a house where a coughing one was seen drawing the curtains of the window, turning back into the darkness of the house.

"So, what? Shifter?" Sam asked aloud.

"I don't know what we're looking at." Bobby said, at a loss. Shapeshifters didn't really get sick.

"Okay, Dean and me are going to go in. You two stay here and watch the door. If something comes out, shoot it." Sam replied.

"My best guess, silver bullets." Dean added.

"I'm relatively unpracticed with firearms." Cas acknowledged. It was true. Sam could only remember him firing a gun once. And that was at point blank range, only a jackass would have missed.

Dean looked like his patience was already very thin, leaning in to talk.

"You know who whines?" He asked.

_Babies._ Sam finished for him in his mind. This was something that John told Dean all the time when they were kids. He followed his brother toward the house, wondering what set Dean off this time. He usually wasn't that short with Cas. _They must have just had another argument. That's been happening a lot lately._

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The squabbling didn't stop there. Dean and Castiel continued to be at each other when the group happened upon two human kids in the jail cells of the sheriff's station in town. Both appeared normal, but only one would talk. The other seemed too traumatized to open his mouth. Dean wanted to rescue them and take them to their uncle's home 50 miles away, but Cas had other plans, and pulled his friend off to the side to talk.

"We need your help here." The angel insisted when Dean was still talking about taking the kids somewhere safe.

"Hold your water, we'll be back in a few." Dean said, turning on his heel to walk away.

"Dean. Dean, millions of lives are at stake here, not just two. Stay focused." He pleaded, to which Dean replied:

"Are you kidding?"

"There is a greater purpose here-"

"You know, I'm getting a little sick and tired of the greater purposes." Dean interrupted. "I think what I'd like to do, is save a couple of kids."

His mind was made up and he was leaving. Castiel had no choice but to stay with Bobby and wait for them to come back, even though something in his instincts said this was the worst idea.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

They did pull through and managed to find Eve in a diner in the middle of town. This always seemed to happen, very frequently their target would end up in a damn diner, or public place.

Instead of simply killing her, the Winchesters took in some new information regarding the hybrids, which Dean called Jefferson Starships. Eve was indeed making them, but she wasn't happy with herself. Apparently these things were her children and she was angry, stating that they were being killed like animals. She said that Crowley was not dead, and went so far as to ask the two for their help in finding him. It appeared that she hated him as much as they did. She'd already captured Bobby and Cas who were supposed to wait outside for signs of a struggle, and with her around, their angel was powerless. They were just as simply, four men trapped in a diner with a monster.

"Work for me. It's a good deal." Eve insisted, having taken the form of Sam and Dean's mother as they remembered her. "Bonus, I won't kill your friends."

"Look," Dean started, "The last couple of months, we have had to work with an evil dick. We're not about to work for an evil bitch. We don't work with demons. We don't work with monsters. And if that means you've gotta kill us, then kill us."

"Or," Eve started again, "I turn you. And you do what I say anyway."

Dean still was not letting up, even when Eve was at his back, having Starships restraining his brother and friends to where none of them could offer any help. She bit into the flesh of his neck and instantly started to cough, lighting up and staring ahead, confused.

Dean explained to her that he mixed the phoenix ash with whiskey and then drank it, poisoning his blood to her, which would take her life. Which it did, causing all sorts of goo to emit from her skin before dropping to the floor. Castiel seized the moment to smite the hell out of any living thing in the room that didn't cover its eyes, getting rid of all the surrounding Starships. He took some time to heal Dean's wound, killing the infection before he would ever become a Starship. His clear right to nag when he found out the quiet kid was secretly a monster was cut short by Dean, who was in a hurry to fix his mistake. Needless to say, the hybrid boy was already done killing his uncle and brother, but his trail was cut short there.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The angel's secret unraveled like a sweater as soon as the group found out that Crowley wasn't really dead. He should have been smarter with his chosen words, instead of copying something Bobby'd said when he shouldn't have been listening. He was off his game that day. The secret was getting old and he was tired. Fighting can do that, even to an angel. Bobby was a smart man, and he saw through this charade like a sheet.

Cas didn't expect to walk into a ring of holy fire, but it happened. Dean called him, and he showed up, stepping into the middle of the room, to where Sam was going over a new plan for finding Crowley. Only when the fire blazed, trapping him in his tracks did he realize that he was the bait, and that this was not going to end well. He wasn't ready for it, not by a long shot. His eyes snapped around the room, frantic and betrayed. He knew this wasn't right to feel, because he'd lied to his friends as well. But he had the best of intentions…

"What are you doing?" Cas asked, looking to Dean for help.

"We gotta talk."

"About what? Let me go." The angel replied, becoming defensive instantly. He looked like a ferret, rabid and trapped.

"About Superman, and Kryptonite." Dean explained, stepping closer to the flame.

"How'd you know what I said?" Bobby asked.

"How long have you been watching us?" Sam added in.

"You know who spies on people, Cas. Spies!"

"Okay, just wait! I don't even know what you mean." Cas replied, grasping now, hoping that Dean would jump to his defense again, as he'd been doing. But Dean didn't. Instead, the angel tried to panic his way through an explanation. It wasn't exactly a lie he was prepared to tell. He wanted to keep this from them a little longer, until he could explain the situation to them.

"You gotta look at me, man." Dean started, locking terrified blue eyes onto his. "You gotta level with me, tell me what's going on. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley."

Castiel of course couldn't look at Dean and lie to him again. He'd already done it, and it was enough to hate himself for it. Instead, he broke eye contact and stared down into the flame.

"Son of a bitch." Dean muttered.

"Let me explain." Cas started, voice shaking noticeably.

"You're in it with him? You and Crowley? Going after Purgatory together? This whole time-"

"I did it to protect you." Cas started again. This part was true, really the truest thing he could say involving the matter. What he was doing, all of it from the beginning was done with Dean's safety in mind.

It did no good, though. Nothing he could say made this make any sense. He tried to explain that he only wanted the souls, to stop Raphael. This wasn't a lie either. He was positive that if Raphael won in the war they were waging, that the first thing he would do would be to kill Dean, Sam, and Bobby out of spite. He tried explaining to Sam that he'd been the one to pull him out of Hell, hoping that saving the souls of two Winchesters would open their eyes, let them see that he knew what he was doing.

In the end, he felt wrong still. Dean always made him feel stupid with how simple a solution would have been. _Why didn't I just tell him in the first place? Why didn't I ask them for their help? I wouldn't have been cast away from them if I had. _Dean had made it very clear that they would have helped him if he'd come to them with the truth, and now they were against one another again, fighting.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Why the long face, love?" Crowley asked, when Castiel came back to him, tail between his legs, broken and alone.

"That's none of your concern." He answered, not looking up.

"Your honey pot not come to your rescue this time?" The demon goaded.

"He's not my-"

"Ah, but you know what _he_ I'm referring to. Interesting."

"Can we just get down to business? Would that be too much to ask?" Cas asked, not in the mood to hear anything Crowley had to say.

"Castiel…I must say, the level you've fallen from is nothing short of amazing. You do know that what you're doing is forbidden?"

"Why do you care? It benefits you directly?" Cas replied.

"Not that. I mean the lovely, 'relations' between you and the pretty one. You know that your kind are not allowed to lie with humans in that sense."

"I'm not-"

"Oh really? You mean to tell me I'm blind, and that I didn't stumble over your little escapade in the bathroom?" Crowley asked, a victorious smirk crossing his face.

"You were…spying on me?"

"Don't act so innocent. You spy on people. What makes yours any different from mine, except mine was more visually pleasing. Now tell me, how many times have you been, shall we say, 'under' your favorite human?"

When Castiel didn't respond, Crowley continued.

"More than once, I'm sure. I didn't realize you could look so appealing…with a Winchester connected to your back end." The King of Hell took a couple steps forward, to drive in the last uncomfortable half of his sentence.

The angel's face burned with shame, not shame at having been with Dean, having fallen in love with him. Nothing could shame him in that sense, but the fact that something they'd done together was no longer a personal matter, and Crowley had actually sullied that moment by watching the two of them together, that part was humiliating.

"Your cheeks are burning." Crowley pointed out, feeling satisfied.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The plan was still clear, and though Cas lost his friends, he was still going to have to complete his tasks. There really was no looking back from here, and he'd tried more than once to get his beloved Dean to back down and stay out of the way while this was being done. He didn't want the humans in the way of his fight with Raphael, incase any of them were to get hurt. He'd come to their rescue, continued to protect them, and even took time out of his busy schedule to help Dean when he asked for a favor. Stupid Lisa got herself into another situation and once Dean saved her, he requested that both her memory and that of her son were to be erased, so that he could ease out of their lives, the only way to keep them safe from himself. _Yes, sure Dean. Anything you ask. Let me just do this for you. Now how about you do a little something for me and stay out of my way?_

It didn't happen that way, and in the end, the Winchesters and Bobby were both waiting for an end that they didn't want to come. They still planned to get in the way and stop their angel from entering Purgatory. Cas decided before this moment that it was an all or nothing move, and that Crowley would also die if he got in the way. The pressure got a little too heavy and the slope was slippery. Castiel spent so much time recently killing everything in his path and to end Crowley would have been a pleasure. Instead, he drove an angel blade up into the heart of someone that used to be his friend, Balthazar, ending his life for feeding the Winchesters his information.

In the end, he took the souls, feeling in control. But he was wrong. The second those souls were taken in, so many of them at one time, Cas slipped into darkness, smashed down at the new creatures taking up space in his insides. They were overpowering, and now, he knew exactly what being possessed felt like. He was not in control. Dean was right. This was too big, too much. He could not control them, even though they were all in his vessel. Their power changed and corrupted what used to be. One soul was a lot to share in a vessel, but millions? Yes, there were now millions, the power of a god slithering about within the form that used to only hold an angel.

Crowley could see it clear as day, so he bolted. He was right to do so, though Cas wouldn't have killed him anyway, had he stayed. But with the King of Hell gone, the angel, full of all of Purgatory wasted little time. With a snap of his finger, Raphael and his vessel burst into pieces, splattering blood and entrails all over the room.

Dean stood there, shocked. He'd seen it, but could hardly believe it. It was in the eyes, those eyes were not Cas's. The voice was his, the appearance, and maybe the memories, but this wasn't the person he knew before. It was like watching someone he loved take in so many different types of drugs that his entire personality was wiped away. Though he was scared, he offered a trembling thanks to the new Cas. He'd been wrong in the idea that his friend would not destroy Raphael, but this was bad. He didn't want to anger the new unstable version of his companion. Instead he slowly, gently pleaded with Cas to let all the souls out, and put them back in Purgatory where they belonged.

"They belong with me." Cas replied. His voice didn't even sound real. He sounded like a robot, so flat and with no inflection at all.

"No Cas, it's scrambling your brain." It was. Dean knew it was. Nothing about Cas ever truly scared Dean. Not even when he got his ass kicked by the angel in the alley. He wasn't scared then, but something about those empty eyes was terrifying right now.

"I'm not finished yet." Cas continued. "Raphael had many followers and I must…punish them all severely."

"Listen to me." Dean stepped forward hesitantly, noting that Cas cocked his head to the side slightly, like he did when he didn't understand something. One would think that this would relieve him, give him some sort of sign that his friend was still there. But it was such an empty gesture, it was just more depressing. "I know there's a lot of bad water under the bridge. But we were family once. I'd have died for you. I almost did a couple of times. If that means anything to you, please. I've lost Lisa, I've lost Ben, I've lost Sam. Don't make me lose you, too." He begged his friend to get rid of the souls again, before it killed everybody.

"You're just saying that because I won." Something about this phrase cut like a knife. It would have never been something Cas would say, but it was definitely something he would have thought. "Because you're afraid. You're not my family, Dean. I have no family."

This speech was distracting enough for broken Sam to drive the angel blade that was once disgarded on the floor up into Cas's body with all the force he could muster. It did nothing though, and Cas pulled it back out, putting it down gently on a metal stand.

"I'm glad you made it, Sam." Cas replied, sincerely. The real Cas was glad that Sam was there. "But the angel blade won't work. Because I'm not an angel anymore. I'm the new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your new Lord. Or I shall destroy you."

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

This was the beginning of the end. Anyone that saw what happened when Nick allowed Lucifer to wear him could see from a mile away what was going to happen when a single angel took in all of that power. Though he left Bobby and the Winchesters alive, he left the wall in Sam's brain completely broken, plunging the man into a world of being unsure what was real and what was fantasy. Lucifer was everywhere he looked, and death was everywhere that Dean looked. Cas, or at least what used to be Cas was killing people all over the country. He'd manifested in front of people, and the stories were all over the news. He'd been killing mostly religious figures that he deemed as hypocrites, at first, then it moved on to social groups. The power was becoming too much to control. It was ripping at the walls inside, and when Castiel's power trip frittered away, and he woke up amidst a blood-bath he never remembered taking part in, he needed help.

He'd heard Sam's prayers. Sam, the most unlikely person, full of forgiveness and understanding. He prayed to Cas, asking him to come back for their help. He knew what it was like, having all that power inside and no way to control it, standing on the sidelines while things happened at his hands. He'd been possessed by Lucifer himself. He knew that it was hurting, and that it made one feel all alone.

"I need help." He'd told his friends and was unbelievably received and offered aid. The souls knew what was happening, and they didn't want to leave. It was actually starting to cause crippling pain. Castiel was sure that once these souls were gone, he would die. His vessel was wearing thin, covered in the same lesions that Nick was when Lucifer was within. He'd used the last bit of energy he had to beg for Dean's forgiveness. It didn't work, and when the souls ripped their way back to Purgatory, he dropped, appearing dead to Bobby.

He recovered, but only for a time before something was wrong. He started to jerk violently, willing his friends to run, because Leviathan were still inside his vessel. They held on tight and didn't leave. Now there was no way out. They were dangerous. There was nothing else to do but drag his vessel along, one that he was steadily losing control of, away from the danger of harming his friends. But they had other plans, pulling Cas down into the public water supply, where he sunk to the bottom and they released themselves, plunging the angel back into darkness.


	12. Chapter 12

Dream Sequence. This is supposed to have taken place in early Season 7, somewhere around the episode with the psychics. Warning: Angsty as hell. I had a bit of a tear-filled time writing it.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The sound of the lake lapping against the legs of the dock was the first thing that Dean noticed. He'd been sitting in a lawn chair, looking out into the water, observing the trees and bushes clear on the other side. The sky had become gray as of a storm was coming. This didn't seem right for some reason. The colors were too real, and all sound seemed to seep into his very being.

"Where the hell am I?" He asked out loud, still staring ahead., his voice echoing.

"You don't remember this place?" Dean jumped at the startling sound of another voice being with him when he'd been alone only a moment ago. He looked to the side to see his angel, standing still and looking out into the lake, eyes pensive in thought. "This is where you were the first time I visited one of your dreams."

"Cas?" Dean scrambled to a stand up, the chair he was sitting in had disappeared. Of course it did, this was a dream. That's why he didn't hear the flutter of Cas's wings like he usually did when the angel zapped into vision.

"Hello Dean." He said it in the same way he always had, and Dean noted to himself how much he loved this. He stepped forward, unsteady and threw his arms around the smaller man, drawing him in, remembering the pleasant smell of his hair. The human squeezed tight, wanting to keep this moment. He was afraid that if he let go, he would wake up, and this felt so real now. The dream setting may not have been, but Cas himself felt real. He felt gentle hands rubbing his back in comfort, before he pulled away at long last when Castiel said:

"You're…gripping me rather tight."

Dean steadied himself and replied, "Sorry, Cas. Wouldn't want to kill ya when you just got back."

To which the angel replied, "You and I both know that I can't asphyxiate."

Dean smiled, he missed how literal everything was to his angel. How long had it been? Three weeks, four weeks since Cas disappeared into the reservoir? Too long.

"It's good to see you. Are you okay? Wait, where the hell have you been?" Dean asked, starting to become irritated for a moment, hoping that Cas knew better than to hide out from him like Sam had done for a year.

"I can't tell you that. This is only a dream. I'm only a memory." He responded, his normally blunt self. His eyes scanned around the area, looking up, then back around to Dean, reminding him exactly of the same actions Cas made when he explained to Dean why he 'couldn't help' way back when the Winchesters had faced Lillith the first time.

The human's heart sunk. "So, you're not real?"

"I'm as real as your thoughts of me. I'm looking at myself right now, and I feel satisfied at how you've remembered me. Every detail is crisp. But technically, no. I'm not real, and this is not real. It's in your mind. In your soul, and apparently, you've made a place for me here."

"So, you're…dead?" Dean asked, feeling overwhelmed and having a hard time speaking. His mind felt hazy and confused.

"You saw me sink to the bottom, Dean." The angel replied, same beautiful blue eyes scanning his face for a reaction.

It was true. Dean had seen it at the last moment, Cas disappearing under the surface of the water. He still had his angel's coat, which floated back to the shore. He kept it, because it was the only thing that he had to remember his best friend, besides the scar on his arm. He didn't have any photographs, being that Bobby burned the only one of the group together when Ellen and Jo died. Cas wouldn't have gone anywhere without his coat. It was as specific to him as his vessel.

"But…I miss you." Dean replied, holding back a sob.

"You don't have to be strong here. This is your dream. You're safe. That's probably why you're dreaming about me, feeling that somehow I'm still able to protect you when you need to come apart. It's not the first time I've seen you cry."

"You're such an idiot, man. Why didn't you listen to me? You'd still be here."

"I'm sorry, Dean." Cas replied, reaching forward and taking his human's hand within his. Dean found this warm, comforting. In waking life, he didn't remember ever having held hands with Cas. At that slight tough, the human leaned forward again, pressing his lips against the perpetually chapped ones of his angel, just once before resting their foreheads together, changing his mind and placing his head to where the two were cheek to cheek. The warmth of the other's skin was soothing. He didn't want to wake up.

"You know, I didn't think that people could dream when they got blackout drunk the night before. That's what happened, in the waking world, I'm really drunk."

"You've been drinking a lot. I'm concerned." The angel replied, his voice now soft, breath warming a stretch of skin on Dean's neck.

"It's how I deal." Dean replied, not at all lying. "You're the only one who ever knew me. And I lost you. In the end, being mad at you about it doesn't bring you back."

"You're the strongest, most stubborn man I have ever met. You will get through this, and when you feel weak, I'm always here, in your memory. As long as you don't hit your head too hard." Cas replied, and Dean felt something block out the sun around him.

Opening his eyes, he found himself surrounded, curtained inside of two silky black wings. Cas's wings? He'd never seen them before, only the root divits on his angel's back. Angel wings weren't visible to humans, but this was a dream, and here they were. Is this what they really looked like, or was it part of Dean's image of them? It didn't matter. He was safe right now, able to come undone in his angel's arms, safely hidden behind a wall of bones and feathers.

"Can I just stay here?" Dean asked, eyes now wet and throat very tight, making speech very difficult. This moment of peace was worth it, though tears poured down his face. It was worth not waking up again to stay.

"I'm sorry, Dean. But this isn't Heaven. You're going to have to wake up soon. I want you to know that my last thoughts were of you. I love you. I always will, and. you can come here anytime you want. It isn't real, but if it gives you comfort, there's no shame in it taking a break from the world around you. Who am I going to tell?"

The human absorbed this, and something about it broke him even deeper than it had when he was awake. He noticed the Impala, parked just off from the dock, waiting faithfully to be driven away. Everything he loved was here. He was sure that his memories of his parents, Sam, Bobby, Ellen and Jo, even Ash…they were all here. But this never happened before. Never had he felt so safe, and so sure that he didn't want to leave, even though this was not a real place.

"It's time to wake up, now." Cas whispered.

"No. Cas, no. Please don't."

"_Dean? Hey, you okay?"_

The human clung tighter, though the scene was crumbling apart around him.

"Cas."

"_No, It's me. Sam."_

Dean's eyes snapped open. He was in a motel room again, and it was dark, in the middle of the night. As his eyes focused, he noticed that Sam was there, sitting on the edge of his bed, with one hand on his arm to steady his thrashing body.

"You were having a dream. Are you okay?" Sam asked.

"Yeah." Dean replied flatly.

"You started panicking. Did you pee or something? You're soaked." Sam said, wrinkling his nose, trying to take some of the seriousness out of the mood.

"It's sweat, Sammy." The older brother replied. This usually happened when he drank too much before bed. Drinking. He reached forward, gripping the bottle on the nightstand and trying to bring it to his lips before Sam stopped him, taking the drink away.

"No, you've had enough of that already. You about to cry, man?" Sam asked, eyes showing concern as they usually did. Sam was an expressive person, like a dog. It was always clear on his face what he was thinking. _My brother is losing it. He misses his friend. I just don't get why he won't tell somebody what's going on upstairs. It wouldn't make him any less of a man to vent his loss. _

"Sam-" Dean started, before his lower lip quivered and his brother caught him. They hadn't hugged in a while, not that Sam minded. He was more affectionate than his brother. He knew this was going to happen. When Dean seemed freaked after talking to the man that ran the museum of psychics, he knew that crumbling into mournfulness was long overdue. He loved Dean, but hated how strong his brother felt he had to be. Most of this was because of John. Dean was never allowed to express feelings around their dad.

"I'm here, man. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how much you miss him." Sam replied, patting a trembling back, trying to soothe as much as he could, feeling the front and shoulder of his shirt becoming wet.

_No Sammy, you don't know what this is like. I __**loved**__ him,_ Dean said to himself.


	13. Chapter 13

Spoiler Alert: Massive spoilers from Season 7, up to episode 11. If you haven't seen it yet, steer clear. Song-chapter (like many of my other chapters). Long drabble, angsty to boot. The song is centered around the inner turmoil of everybody on Team Free Will.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The older Winchester was spending more of his time drinking these days. It seemed like the only thing left to do, and the only way to close his eyes at all, fading into some kind of black sleep in which dreams never came anymore. He'd considered starting to pull himself away from Sammy, for fear that his brother might be taken away, too. He'd been fine lately, and Lucifer wasn't haunting his steps in past weeks, but that knock Sam took to the head, causing another one of his seizures had been a nightmarish threat to Dean's comfort in his brother's existence.

Cas was gone, slipped down into nothingness without so much as a goodbye, Ellen and Jo had been gone for what seemed like decades. Rufus, Ash, Gabriel, hell EVERYBODY that helped them along the way was gone. Any of that, he could have walked through, not easily, but he could have managed, if the goddamn Leviathan didn't take Bobby away. That was the icing on the cake of misery. Maybe it wasn't so bad for Sam, but Dean felt himself falling apart at this new blow to the world around him. It was like a bad dream, and Dean wondered how in the Hell he got himself locked in a nightmare instead of his life. Bobby couldn't be gone. But he was. And why? To stop the Leviathans? To be the father of the entire world, where God turned away.

_Father can you hear me?  
How have I let you down?  
I curse the day that I was born  
And all the sorrow in this world_

Sam remembered the look on his brother's face when the monitor flat-lined. The younger man had prepared himself for what he was 90% sure was going to happen, but his brother didn't. Dean couldn't handle anymore loss, but it was going to happen anyway. No amount of suffering in the world could promise them that there wouldn't be more right around the corner. Such was life. Sam loved Bobby, and it hurt to see him laying there in the hospital, struggling to pull through with a gunshot wound to the head. But Bobby was a hunter, and hunters didn't live to a ripe old age. Bobby and Rufus had actually been the oldest hunters that Sam knew. But he was like their father, especially to Dean, setting him right wherever he wronged himself. John died, and that was tough, but now Bobby? He was their pillar of support and when he passed, everything about Dean crashed to the ground. Sam tried to comfort himself in the idea that Bobby may be in Heaven. Sam saw Heaven and knew it was real, but Dean shot that to the ground, saying _"Sammy, Bobby helped us and helped Cas rebel against angels. Angels run Heaven…the ones that Cas didn't sentence to death. Do you think the likes of any of us would be welcome there?"_

_Let me take you to the herding ground  
Where all good men are trampled down  
Just to settle a bet that could not be won  
Between a prideful father and his son_

Sam suffered right along with his brother. He understood what this must have been like, and he wasn't the kind of man to tell anybody to 'toughen up' when they'd experienced loss of this magnitude. He knew this story would have no happy ending, but Dean used to have hope. He tried so hard, along with his friends, his family. Together they'd all fought the battle of Heaven and Hell. As mere mortals, they'd thrown the end of the world up into the sky. They'd settled a score that an absent God laid upon them. Human beings, just bugs on the face of the Earth. They'd bound Death, absorbed the Devil, and become Gods themselves, just to save their world, and nobody even knew their sacrifice. Something in that suffering brought them together. Each one had fallen from their father. Their good friend Cas was forsaken by the father that never knew him, for aiding the humans that did. Sam remembered his friend asking why it was that one angel and a group of humans were responsible for righting the wrongs that those above them had caused. That thought was one of the first steps on the road to his fall.

_For me, _Dean thought, _for a worthless human that didn't follow the divine plan set before me. _They took Cas in, broken and torn apart and they made him one of their group. They were all broken in the same way. All had Daddy-issues if every anybody had them. Cas's father might not have beat him within an inch of his life like Bobby's dad did, or John had done many times before, but he'd allowed the other angels to cast him down. God allowed torture and death. Cas was punished just like Bobby had been, with this life, on Earth. Why? Because he cared for God's most prized possessions, humans. This planet. Team Free Will fought for lives that they hated, fought it all out for each other. They'd lost everybody else they loved. Bobby lost his wife, his parents, any woman he ever loved, his friends. Dean and Sam collectively lost their parents, any girlfriends along the way, the only true family they'd managed to land within. Unbeknownst to Sam, Dean lost the only person he'd given his heart to. Cas lost his brothers and most of the grace he carried as an angel. They were alone, but they were together in that sense. And now there was two of them left. Dean didn't blame Lucifer in his own dark mind. Had he not threatened their home, he would have let the Devil fight with God until the cows came home. This was supposed to be their fight. So why haven't they lost anything yet?

_Will you guide me now for I can't see  
A reason for the suffering and this long misery  
What if every living soul could be upright and strong?  
Well then I do imagine_

The last time Dean spoke to Bobby privately…it played over and over in his head. The old man was setting him straight about his foolishness again. He always did, this time with a promise, saying, _"If you die before me, boy, I'll kill you." _Spoken like a true dad. That was the same day that Bobby left this world, having gathered information from Dick the Leviathan. He went along with the boys as he always did when they needed his help. And he lost his life because of it. So suddenly in fact that so much was left unanswered. Dean hadn't been ready to say goodbye, not letting himself accept what had just happened and refusing to cry, or properly mourn, refusing to even admit to himself that it was the end, and that Bobby Singer left forever. Where would he go when he needed to talk to somebody? When he didn't know where to turn?

He recalled the time before that, when that odd sandwich he ate made him momentarily chill. For a time, nothing hurt. Not losing Cas, not the Leviathans, not the idea of Sam's inner torments from his time in Hell. Nothing mattered. Sam had gone outside for what Dean could only guess was 'fresh air' and Bobby took time to ream the chemical coolness right out of him. Bobby, bless his soul, had been a loving man at one time. Dean didn't know it at the time, and had never seen the soft side of him, but it came out in a burst of bitterness. Something about Dean saying that he no longer cared that Cas was gone had set the old man off. As soon as Sam was out the door, he turned burning eyes on his adopted son.

"What in the Hell is wrong with you? Are you that much of a selfish dick?"

Dean had been taken back by this, surprised for a minute before Bobby continued, waving him off as he opened his mouth to reply.

"Shut up, Dean. I don't want to hear it. I don't care what you have floating around in your system right now, how could you even think like you do? That kid thought the sun rose and set on you. Literally loved you more than his own kind, thought God and Heaven were shit compared to the stars in your damn idiot brain. And you're so damn hung up on a wall of crap that John put in your head that you won't just man up and accept the way things are, the way _you_ are. You don't think I notice how much you been drinkin, boy? I'm not blind. I know what you had, because I had that same emptiness when Karen…look, you don't just stop caring when somebody you love is gone.""

He betrayed us, Bobby."

"You dumb son of a bitch. Betrayed us? How about 'saved our asses' but not in the way you wanted? You're gonna hold that against all the good he did, because your little pride is damaged? Jesus Christ. Yes, I was mad, too. I didn't want it that way. He should have known to come to us for help, but do you think he wanted what ended up happening? Kid would have never done anything to lose you unless he had no other choice. Purgatory has all manner of nasty things in it, and you think he'd be in control of himself after taking them in? It was an _army._ An army inside of one man that was damn fool enough to befriend us, befriend you. That was sacrifice, and it was to protect you, whether you see it or not. Things don't always go just like you want them to, princess. Had he lost his fight with Raphael, you'd have been the first person to die."

"I don't know what you're trying to say, but Cas and I-"

"Boy, don't shit on my steak and tell me it's French. I'm not about to analyze the nature of that relationship, but it aint platonic. Do I look like Dr. Phil to you? Even better, do I look like John? Do I look like I hold judgment over who my boy is and who he loves? For a year, you were gone, and after that year was up, he was right there to help you, all the while fighting a bigger damn battle."

"Bobby I'm not into men, if that's what you're going for." Dean stated, insulted.

"Oh please. You think you're so damn special that the future should present itself to you wrapped up in ribbons and colored tissue? Picky, picky, picky. You take what's right for you, and don't putz around with the details. All I know is, he was someone you connected with, and that's all I cared about, seeing you happy, kid. Besides Sam, I never saw you more comfortable with another person. You were in peril, but pretty damn close to happy. I'm pretty damn sure that Heaven, friggin **Heaven**, was a lot better than being around your sorry ass all day, but guess who'd rather have hung out with you?"

"Cas." Dean said quietly in a moment of clarity.

"Dean, I'm not gonna go all Nancy on you. But the look that's been on your face when you were with him, same damn look to a T that Karen used to give me. You're my kid. I don't care who you are."

_How did he know? Did he actually know? Did I just come out to Bobby without saying anything at all? Better yet, did he just tell me that it was completely okay to have loved Cas like I did? _

Dean looked up for a moment, and then back down at the floor, unable to meet the old man's eyes. _He's been staring at me for a while. Should I say something? Why is my lip quivering like that? No, Dean. You're not gonna turn sappy in front of your old man. _That conversation was awkward, and it put Dean into a haze until Bobby yelled at him in the van that day. The last day. The hell of the thing was, how did he know what was going on? Dean didn't tell anybody. Maybe it was that old worldly wisdom that the old man possessed. But he knew, at least Dean thought that he knew. The two of them didn't speak of it again. At all, and before he could bask in the acceptance, Bobby was gone.

_When all soldiers lay their weapons down  
Or when all kings and all queens relinquish their crowns  
Or when the only true messiah rescues us  
From ourselves it's easy to imagine_

_There will be (sorrow)  
Yeah there will be (sorrow)  
And there will be sorrow no more_

Dean thought about throwing in the towel around that time, until crazy Frank told him about how he managed to hold on as long as he did, one week at a time. That little moment they had opened Dean's eyes a bit. His struggle would never be done, not until he dropped his gun and laid down to die. Such was the life he'd been reduced to. Looking at Frank, he could almost see himself becoming something like that, a recluse. But a drunken, violent recluse, parts of John still seeping through the cracks. Just like Bobby, who never wanted to become a violent drunk like his own father had been. No, Bobby was not a violent drunk. He was a grumpy drunk. **Was** a grumpy drunk.

When he managed to fall asleep for the first time in weeks, and slept for over a full day at Frank's house, he actually had dreams. Each dream was more beautiful than the last, and they gave him hope when he opened his eyes again.

With Frank, he found out that Bobby was trying to tell them that the Leviathans were building something before he died. The numbers he'd managed to write down were coordinates, which Frank discovered after weeks of attempts. Now, it was time to rescue Sam from his current case, two man-eating bitches that were nabbing truckers left and right. That rest, the dreams, all of it. It filled Dean with a little more juice, just to keep going and bring his spirit to the top of its game.

He'd slid back in time again, and met THE Elliot Ness, who was a hunter as well as a legendary detective, believe it or not. Hunting beside him was one of the biggest rushes Dean felt in a long time, and almost forgot about Bobby being gone. This here was what the old man would have wanted. He'd have desired for them to carry on and keep fighting the good fight. When he brought down another God, the God of Time, it fueled him for the next fight, and when he finally made it back to his time with said God, he and Sammy teamed up on that monster like it was the old days. His recent losses made him all the more powerful. Yes, he was suffering inside, suffering deeply, but his own pain made it to where his sympathies didn't lie with Cronos and his desire for love with a human woman. On one of his softer days, he might have understood, but today, he was a killing machine, right along with Sam and Sheriff Mills who decided to help out.

The Winchesters were going to make it. They were going to live through the damages another day, another week. One step at a time, one fight for their lives after another. Just like Frank said. They were hunters, just like Bobby. They weren't people, they didn't have the lives of people. _At least I have Sammy. As long as I have Sammy, I can keep this up. As long as I have him, I have a reason to live, and a million reasons to die._

_There will be (sorrow)  
Yeah, there will be (sorrow)  
There will be sorrow no more._

_ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo _

SONG CREDITS:

Sorrow- Bad Religion


	14. Chapter 14

Long chapter if all goes right, with minimal angst (I think you all have suffered enough). Should contain spoilers following Season 7 episodes 13 to 20.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

With little time to grieve, the Winchesters consumed themselves in their work, the same thing they'd been doing for years, hardly allowing themselves to dwell on Bobby while they hit case after case. Only when they could rest for a moment would Dean's initial focus return to hunting down Dick Roman. It had been a couple of months, but Sam could see plain as day that the spirit of revenge was no less ground into his brother's mind.

Sam bailed his brother out of their current proverbial pickle when Dean managed to impregnate an Amazon woman. This truly did take the younger man by surprise. His brother seemed so different the recent timeframe. Ever since Lisa, his old self seemed to have died away, and one-nighters didn't really happen anymore. But this happened, all surrounding mysterious deaths of a violent nature. While Dean was busy skulking around this woman, Lydia's house, trying to understand the mystery of her life, Sam was investigating. Of course, the cases were linked. All the victims were male, and they'd all been murdered by something incredibly strong, having their hands and feet ripped off and taken away. A strange sigil carved into each victim's body was their key. Without Bobby, the pair were reduced to asking a college professor for help in translating lore. All search results led to Amazons.

Granted, at first, Sam thought his brother completely lost his mind, thinking that the mysterious child at Lydia's home had somehow been spawned by him. _How? You only met the woman a day or so ago? _Amazons had very fast reproduction schedules, noted historically to have given birth within 36 hours of fertilization. After birth, the new Amazon children grew to maturity at a rapid rate, and were initiated into their family by killing their fathers and bringing proof (the hands and feet) back to the others. An almost fully matured daughter of Dean's was after him, and while he didn't have the heart to shoot his own blood, Sam did. He managed to save his brother's life, killing two Amazons in the process and sending the rest of their numbers scattering to a new place to hide. Sam didn't know this girl any better than Dean. Normally, he was very accountable, and if his brother would have created life with any other mysterious woman, he would have pressed Dean into taking some form of responsibility for his actions. But this woman was a monster, just like his friend Amy, who Dean killed, had been a monster in the eyes of humans. Her daughter was a monster, too, whether she had Dean's DNA or not. And nobody was going to rip Dean's hands and feet off, not on Sam's watch, no matter what mistakes he made. Done and done, next chapter.

The pair powered through their next two cases, one right after the other. Sam plunged himself into a fear-based voodoo case. One octopus-death, a unicorn death, and a shark in the ball-pit led the brothers to the belly of the beast, a pizza joint for kids by the name of Plucky's. The place was _full_ of clowns. Sam's insides clenched every single time he went in. He hated clowns, and his fears made him a target, being chased all around a warehouse by two of them while his brother fought the spell caster in order to save him. He managed to reverse that fear onto the caster, watching the maladjusted man drown in the middle of a room with no water in it.

Sam showed up moments later, covered in glitter. The clowns exploded on him when Dean broke their spell. He knew Dean was going to laugh, and feel very little sympathy for his very real fear, so he was prepared.

"You know, getting my ass kicked by those Juggalos tonight was therapeutic."

On their way out of town, Dean's curiosity got the better of him.

"Sammy, by the way, what the hell is a Juggalo?" He asked from the driver's seat of the car.

"It is what it is, man." Sam replied, smiling fondly. He'd known a couple during his college days, and messed with them colorfully. Jess's brother was a Juggalo, he and his girlfriend (a Juggalette), and the pair of them were good sports with his light jokes.

Later, another familiar bout of grisly murders brought the pair back to a town they'd visited four years ago to stop a demonic possession. Dean managed to beat and torture a demon out of a mild-mannered post office worker named Jeffrey, but now the demon appeared to have returned for more, continuing right where he left off before, killing full-figured women in a brutal fashion. They had an ally in that town, a Wiccan woman named Nora, but at first that led to nothing. Dean visited with Jeffrey, trying to help him protect himself against the demon, leaving Sam alone to deal with his broken wall and his vivid hallucinations involving Lucifer. He hadn't wanted to accept help from something that wasn't real. Lucifer was a memory in his mind, but he sure did manage to assist Sam in finding Dean, saving a kidnapping victim, killing a demon, and ridding the world of a serial killer, Jeffrey who had gone wrong.

Sam's condition spiraled out of control, and Dean watched his brother start falling apart as they hit their next case involving cursed artifacts and mysterious deaths surrounding realty. The cursed objects were one thing, totally normal for the two of them, but the realty deals turned out to have originated in favor of Dick Roman's plan, and the realtors themselves were Leviathans, buying out property by force. After they'd been dealt with permanently, the Winchesters were one step closer to reaching Dick and destroying him, but they needed help. Sadly, that help was no longer available, as when they went to check in with their new eye in the sky Frank, he was nowhere to be seen. All of his computers were destroyed and there was blood all over his trailer.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"What the hell?" Dean muttered to himself, stooping down to find a green business card on the floor where the journal fell off the table. Weird things like that had been happening lately, items showing up here and there with no rhyme or reason behind it. The card had a phone number on the back of it, maybe this was what he'd been looking for? It had been two days since Sam was booked by force into a mental health facility. His brother hadn't slept a wink for five days prior to this, and said he saw Lucifer everywhere he went, heard his voice all the time, and the Devil wouldn't let him sleep. He'd been running around the wrong side of the tracks, literally, and got hit by a car, breaking one of his ribs and banging him up pretty bad. The accident didn't put him to sleep, and no matter how much sleep-aid the nurses gave him, no sleep would come. So here was Dean, calling every hunter that was in Bobby's roll-o-dex to gain some information, to no avail.

Feeling as if this was his last hope, Dean called the number on the back of the card and reached a hunter with an amazing story about his messed up right eye being healed by a man by the name of Emmanuel. The guy only surfaced months ago, but he was healing people left and right and passed every test that a hunter could dish out. By the man on the card's account, Emmanuel was a completely legitimate human healer.

_Why not check it out? Maybe he can fix Sammy. It's really all I have left. I can't lose my brother, so this guy better not be a joke or a scam or I will personally kick his ass._

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

_CAS?! _Everything in Dean fought from yelling it, but his mind was going nuts. He'd gone all the way to Emmanuel's house, knocked on the door and was faced with a demon. He made short work of it, sending a corpse rolling down the steps, right at the feet of the man that lived at this house. Only…this man was not Emmanuel, he was Cas, spitting image. It had to be him. Sure, he was dressed differently, and his hair wasn't flared up and lively like it once was. He looked like Mr. Rogers' son, but it had to be him.

But this man, after inviting Dean into his very nice house, went forward and untied the woman that the demon tied up in the living room before being killed, and introduced her to Dean as Daphne, his wife.

_Wife? Did he just say wife? Cas has a wife? That was fast. _If Dean thought his brain was running a mile a minute before, it was high on crack right now. He couldn't help but feeling a little rejected that his angel would take off and get married so soon after disappearing, but he put that aside quickly, telling himself that he didn't care.

He didn't seem like real Cas in some senses, by the way that he said things. Scratch that, he sounded just like Cas. His voice was deep and he spoke properly. Maybe it was the wife thing and the pedestrian lifestyle that threw a wrench in the spokes, but this wasn't right. The guy went on like he'd never seen Dean before in his life. It didn't make sense. Why was this happening? Why was he out healing people like some sort of conservative new-age joke?

Upon taking 'Emmanuel' on a drive to go help Sam, which he agreed to do, Dean figured out that he truly didn't remember anything. Months ago, Daphne found him wondering around naked and confused while she was on a hike. _Right, naturally the first thing on anybody's mind when they discover a guy that doesn't even know his own name is marriage. 'Let's get married, Crazy Guy.' Oh that's cute, and sooo smart, and not at all screwed up. _Dean thought to himself while Fake Cas talked about how he came to be, and how Daphne knew that God wanted her to take care of him. _How long was he gone? A little over half a year if memory serves me. _

The pair stopped for a time, and Dean went into a convenience store for only a moment before being ambushed by demons, who would have killed him had it not been for Meg dropping in to kill them first. _Great, now I'm in debt to Meg. Could this get any worse?_ Meg knew that he had Amnesia Cas, and she expressed her want to jog his memory, so that he could help them, as well as protecting himself from the demons that wanted to take him away. Dean made her swear against it, but it didn't stop her from dropping hints when she met him.

"We go way back." She said, after calming Emmanuel down when he nearly flipped out at her true face. His eyes scanned her in confusion, and she clarified, "Me and Dean of course. I just met you." She laughed, smiling at the older Winchester brother.

In the car again, Dean and Emmanuel talked about what needed to be done with Sam, and he explained that someone, a bad dude named Cas broke Sam's head, though Bobby would never have called him a bad dude, just a desperate one.

"He betrayed you, this dude?" Emmanuel asked, seemingly using slang for the first time.

"He was your friend?"

"Yeah well…he's gone." Dean continued, trying to draw the subject away from this part, as it was horribly, painfully awkward.

"Did you kill him?" Amnesia Cas asked, "I'm sensing you kill a lot of people." This was true, but then why was he so comfortable driving around in this car with Dean?

"Honestly," Dean struggled to find the right words to say, "I don't know if he's dead." He said, looking at the man beside him. "I just know this…whole thing couldn't be messier." This was painful. Here was Cas, right beside him like in so many sad dreams, and there was nothing he could do to draw him in because the guy didn't remember himself. _That's not me. I'm not just going to move in and start trying things on a guy that has a broken brain. It's just not right. _

All manner of emotions burned through Dean's brain during this talk. He was still angry at Cas for his betrayal, hurting Sam, taking those souls, killing people, disappearing. But that part wasn't his fault, so Dean felt a surge of wanting to forgive when his pride wouldn't allow it. He also missed his angel, and though he could see Cas's form in the passenger seat, it only hurt worse, because Cas wasn't his. He didn't know anything about himself, and was only an empty shell, reminding Dean that he was so very alone at this moment.

As much as he wanted to forgive and forget this Emmanuel person, have him heal Sam and go about his new life, he couldn't. Meg made that very clear, as there were demons all around the entrance of the hospital where Sam was held, losing his mind in a locked ward, unable to sleep, and waiting for his brother to save him. She made so much sense, and as much as Dean didn't want to jog Cas's memory, it had to be done. It wasn't hard. All Meg had to do was let it slip, just those three words, "You're an angel." That was it. Emmanuel guessed that he was Cas and upon remembering how to smite demons, all the rest of the memories flooded back. Everything that Cas had been on this Earth, all that he forgot. His sins, his love, all of it.

"I remember you." He said, looking at Dean before trying to leave, knowing that what happened to Sam was his fault, and feeling immense guilt at his past. Dean followed, hot on his trail, trying to explain why this was somehow okay. It wasn't, but he couldn't let Cas leave without helping Sam, and none of those words really mattered where symbolism came into play. Dean went out on a limb and offered Cas his coat back, which he'd kept with him, hoping that his angel would someday come back. If he hadn't that same tan coat would have served as a memory. For a moment, when he put the torn garment back on, it was almost like Cas was back.

The threesome went to Sam's aid, and Cas rescued the younger man from the horrors of electroshock torture, smiting the hell out of the demon in charge. Feeling overwhelming guilt and shame at Sam's weak condition, Cas tried his best to reverse the crumbling of the wall, but in Sam's mind, there were not enough pieces to rebuild. Even as he stood there, Sam was seeing Lucifer and it caused him great suffering.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"What do you mean you can't?" Dean asked, offended at his efforts being in vain.

"I mean there's nothing left to rebuild." Cas replied solemnly.

"Why not?"

"Because he crumbled. Some pieces got crushed into dust by whatever's happening in his head right now."

"So you're saying there's nothing?' Dean asked, fading downward, hope dropped out of him and a heavy weight replaced it. "He's gonna be like this until his candle blows out?"

"I'm sorry." Cas replied, knowing that sorry wasn't good enough. It wasn't good enough. Sam never wronged him in any way. Sam was his friend, and he'd made the man suffer to get back at Dean. It was cruel and wrong, and now there was no way out. Unless…

"This isn't a problem I can make disappear. You know that. But I may be able to shift it." Cas's eyes widened, the new idea batting back and forth in his mind. _Yes, that's it. I could at least go in his place. I deserve this. He does not. I'm an angel. He's a human. I can bear his cross for him, he can't. After all, I did cause his pain. I can give Dean his brother back. Before, I told him I would redeem myself. This is a start._

"Shift?" Dean asked.

"It would get Sam back on his feet." Cas said, not really listening to Dean in his excitement. He stepped forward to Sam sitting down on the edge of his flimsy bed, looking at Dean once more. "It's better this way. I'll be fine."

"Cas, what are you do-" Dean started, but his friend already had his mind made up.

"Sam, this may hurt," Cas started, not at all aware of what Sam was seeing. Something scared him, "and if I can't tell you again, I'm sorry I ever did this to you." Cas's hand reached forward, resting against Sam's forehead, and the human's eyes lit up red, his veins were on fire, just like they'd been when Cas reached into him before, only this time, the fire was transferring up Cas's arm, into his neck and face before fully fading out of Sam. Dean rushed to his brother, who sat up gasping, while the angel in front of him hunched into himself, looking very much doped up, and not in the good way. He looked brain-dead for a moment.

"Cas?" Sam asked. "Cas, is that you?"

The angel looked up, only instead of seeing Sam in the place he was only a second ago, he saw Lucifer.

"Hello Brother." He said, smirking evilly.

Cas stood and backed against the wall in panic. _Not Lucifer. He's in Hell. He can't be here and this can't be real. But if it isn't, why am I so scared? Did something go wrong? Is Sam okay? Where is everyone?_

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The Winchesters gave Cas some time, but he wasn't getting over it. He was weak again, scared, tired, everything that Sam was, without the needs of a human. He didn't shake this off and he'd be too much of a danger to take along on their next case. It was apparent that demons were after him. Maybe the Leviathans as well, and how were they going to protect him when he was now insane and helpless? Dean decided on his own that they couldn't take care of him. It would have been like bringing a baby, a baby in a trench coat, along on their way. Sam had to understand this part. As mad as Dean was at Cas before, he really did come through and rescue Sam from death and pain. He didn't want anything to happen to his angel. Somebody had to take care of him. But who?

Enter Nurse Masters.

Yes, they went to Meg. She was the only one that could help them. Yes, she was a demon and charging her with protecting an angel was insane. But it was the only thing they had left. Plus, Meg liked Cas, and she liked Sam. That was on their side. She was strong and had very little fear in her entire being. She could do this. The Winchesters needed her, and Cas needed her. And maybe she could hide out for a while. Maybe demons wouldn't think to look for her in a hospital. Maybe it would be _fun._ All it took was a fake smile and a fake resume. The rest she would learn as she went. How hard could it be?

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Time to get up, honey." Meg said sweetly, starting to like her job. It had been a week, and she kept her distance emotionally at first, telling herself that as a demon, she didn't give a shit about any living thing. But demons weren't really like that. Their attachment and feelings of love and care just weren't the exact same as humans. But she got comfortable and could have got used to this, taking care of the incapacitated angel.

"Hello Meg."

"Hello yourself. Take your meds." Meg ordered, handing the angel that just sat up some pills. She knew they wouldn't have an affect on him, but this was in her job description. Her patient didn't sleep either. She just told him to close his eyes and pretend the medication was working at night. He didn't have to eat, but she instructed him to anyway.

He swallowed down the pills, not needing to drink anything with them, as they just kind of disappeared once down his throat anyway.

"How are you feeling?" Meg asked, playing idly with the earpiece of her stethoscope.

"I'm fairly well right now. The hallucinations have stopped for the time being." Cas replied, standing up and stretching. Meg did nothing to avert her eyes from the sudden exposure of tight skin on the angel's torso when the scrub shirt slid up just an inch or so. She remembered the first couple days, having to explain that she wasn't Lucifer time and time again. Cas was really out of it in the beginning, a mess. Meg had never heard of angels shedding a tear, but on the second day, her angelic patient fell into full-blown bouts of weeping, curled into himself in the corner of the room.

_She went to him that day, crouching down on her knees, asking him what was wrong. It had to have been another hallucination, she was sure. _

"_He showed me what happened to Sam in Hell." Castiel half whispered, half sobbed, not looking up, probably because he didn't want to see Lucifer in Meg's place._

"_But Sam's okay now, honey. Don't listen to him." Meg assured, reaching forward to place a hand on Cas's arm. She was normally on Lucifer's side in these matters, but this wasn't Lucifer. This was Sam's memory reflected onto Cas. This Lucifer wasn't there._

_Slowly, the man pulled himself forward, taking Meg's arms and wrapping them around himself as if they were a blanket. This surprised her, but she enjoyed the closeness, much to her own frustration. Her hand combed through dark hair as she held the crumbled person, feeling powerful._

"_I'm so sorry, Sam." Cas whispered again._

"_You saved him." Meg soothed, trying to shush the grief stricken angel._

"_I didn't save all of him. I did my best."_

That was a dark day. He'd been a lot better lately.

"What's wrong? You miss your wife?" Meg asked. He hadn't been freaking out in the last two days, but at times he seemed very sad.

"No. Does that make me a bad person?" Cas asked, needing some form of reassurance.

"No. That life was kind of fake." Meg replied.

"Well, I do thank her for being kind to me. I needed someone to look after me. I had no idea who I was. She was a good woman." Cas assured.

"What was life like then? Spending six months with somebody that you didn't know, being somebody you also didn't know?"

"Strange." Cas said, really the only way to describe it. "Here I was, stumbling around, not knowing a thing about myself or my past, nude and tired. Then a woman appears and takes care of me."

"What made you decide to marry her?" Meg asked, as if this was the weirdest custom she'd ever heard.

"I called her my wife. Legally, we were not married. You need an identity to legally wed someone. The husband/wife bond was Daphne's idea. She was very lonely before finding me. Instead of taking me to a hospital, she took me home like a puppy. She named me."

"But did you guys, ya know?" Meg asked, making a humping, spanking motion.

"What?" Castiel asked, unsure of her meaning.

"Intercourse." She clarified, rolling her eyes.

"That part was complicated. Our relationship was a very emotional one. As I said, she was a good woman and I was fond of her. I was grateful to her. However, angels have very unique mating rituals. I developed a bond with her, but it wasn't, 'profound' as I've been known to call it. The physical aspect of our relationship was…bleak."

"What does that mean?"

"I had some health problems related to human male and female mating. Daphne called it 'not having wind in my sails'."

At this, Meg laughed, trying to cover it up with a cough. Cas stared at her for a moment and then continued.

"She didn't get mad at me about it. She just attributed it to my brain damage. She loved me and it wasn't that I didn't please her. I did whatever she wanted that I was able to do. There was joy there, and pleasure for her, but between my problem, her feeling of taking advantage of my condition, and the very short time we were actually married…it just didn't happen often. She was kind and didn't pressure me. She truly did tell me that God had a reason for us to be together and she didn't question his motives."

"Right, nobody is that innocent. Trust me, I've helped you shower almost daily." Meg scoffed.

"What do you mean?" Cas asked, blue eyes showing confusion.

"Honey, you showed up to this woman in your birthday suit, God had _nothing_ to do with why she wanted to take you home with her." Meg winked.

"The physical aspect of my relationship with her causes me immense guilt." Cas admitted, not looking at Meg when he said this.

"Why?"

"What if I loved someone else before I lost my memory? What I'd have done with Daphne was infidelity. That would have been wrong of me."

"You didn't know who you were." Meg assured. "You didn't remember your life before. I mean, had she not suggested it, you wouldn't have. Dude, I'm not saying she was a bad person, but coming onto a severely mentally handicapped person is kinda messed up, and I'm a demon."

Those same blue eyes were still staring at her, as if what she was saying wasn't ringing through.

"To blame you would be like blaming you for brain damage. It was a mistake, and if _that person _loves you, then forgiveness will come." Meg said, understanding what he meant.

Cas sighed, sitting back down, tired again.

"You miss him, don't you?" Meg asked, sitting beside him to offer comfort. _God Dean is such an ass-hat,_ she told herself.

Castiel nodded. He didn't tell Meg anything incriminating. She guessed it on her own. He didn't admit that there had been anything between Dean and himself, just that Cas loved the man and felt bad about forgetting him. Such a loyal creature he was.

_When I saw him again, through my own eyes, there was no time. I couldn't say anything to change what happened. I deserve this. I broke Sam's mind like a beer bottle. But if he'd just visit me, if we just had a little time…maybe I could explain. Maybe he would love me again. _

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Sammy was back, Devil-free and that was the best news Dean had in a while. Cas was back, but insane. He put that worry from his mind, trusting Meg and knowing he would be safe until they could figure something else out. But now there was this ghost thing.

Dean and Sam teamed up with Garth, a skinny young hunter that helped Dean out when Sam lost his mind and got married to Becky for a short time. He was a bit of a dork, but helpful nonetheless. He'd been investigating a couple of murders perpetrated by a ghost, but nothing seemed to add up. The murders continued after the old salt-and-burn. The group discovered lore on a Shojo, Japanese alcohol spirit and linked the info to their case. Dean found himself in a tight place and after dropping the samurai sword, it mysteriously slid back to him across the floor. Garth mentioned before that Bobby's spirit might be haunting them, but neither brother paid him any mind.

He was right, and after the Shojo case, the two found out just how right he was, as Bobby manifested before them in an abandoned house while the Winchesters were searching for a missing hunter, Annie. Though they were too late for Annie, Bobby helped them free all of the house's spirits, including a particularly evil one responsible for the haunting in the first place.

But even Bobby's presence was becoming a challenge. The Winchesters needed to act quickly in order to secure the hard-drive that had been stolen from Frank's trailer the night he went missing. That hard-drive had all of their information encrypted on it, including everything that Frank uncovered about Dick Roman. They managed to talk a brilliant young mind into helping them, a girl, as lively as she was nerdy, by the name of Charlie. Dean instantly took a shine to her. She reminded him of a lesbian ginger version of Jo. She was brave, smart, and always asked herself, "What Would Hermione Do?" She put herself at risk to help save her world from Leviathans, deleting incriminating evidence from the hard-drive before Roman got hold of it.

Bobby was starting to become vengeful during this case, trying to help the boys save Charlie and themselves, but the fight with Roman took an interesting turn. Charlie got her arm broken in the process of Bobby throwing Dick back away from the Winchesters. His power was growing, and it was starting to worry both Sam and Dean.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

**Writer's Note:**

**Please let me know if you find typos in any of my chapters, or things that do not make sense grammatically. I'm one of those people that nit-pick with my writing but sometimes mistakes slip through the cracks. **


	15. Chapter 15

This finishes up Season 7, so spoilers for Episodes 21-22. Also, fair warning, I go a little bit away from canon on this chapter, so don't murder me over my changes. I couldn't figure out a way that suited me better. Another warning for male/male sexual situations. Reviews are LOVE.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

The coherent angel stage only lasted that week, before Cas became weak and fatigued. It made very little sense to Meg, but that was what happened. At the end of the week, almost on the dot exactly, he buckled in mid sentence, falling onto the floor and hitting his head with a _thud_ sound that was much like what a watermelon dropped on concrete would sound like. Meg, being the tough demon girl she was simply scooped up the slender form of her new friend and put him to bed, knowing that a bonk on the head wasn't going to end his life. He was an angel, how could head trauma do anything to him unless it was done with an angel blade?

He slept for nearly 24 hours, and she made sure to inform Dean of the sudden sleep right away. He seemed concerned for Cas on the phone, insisting that as soon as he was conscious again to give him a progress report. She stayed with him constantly, which was doable because there were multiple nurses on the psychiatric floor. That night, when he woke up, it was as abrupt as when he went to sleep. He sat upright, fully awake before turning to look at Meg.

"Which one?" Cas asked.

"Huh? Cas I don't know what you're talking about. You just sat up and asked 'which one'." Meg replied.

"There's Expanding Earth Theory on one hand, which states that this planet is slowly getting bigger over time, and then there's Contracting Earth Theory, which is the exact opposite. Which one is it? The Earth can't be doing both at the same time, can it?" Cas continued, smirking to himself.

"I don't…know. Are you okay?" Meg asked, feeling Castiel's forehead for any signs of fever.

"I'm fine. Why do you ask, Increasingly Beautiful Woman?"

"Increasingly- Cas, you're talking really weird, kiddo." Meg didn't know why she called him kiddo, because he was definitely older than she was, but in his helpless state, he seemed childlike.

"Pull my finger." Cas insisted, extending his hand toward Meg, index finger facing outward.

"You're not going to fart, are you?" Meg hesitated.

"There's also Hollow Earth Theory, which is just complete nonsense. I know for a fact that somebody was using drugs when this theory was created."

_What the hell is his problem? Was it the head trauma, or did this whole Sam thing take an interesting new turn? Is he going to be okay? He doesn't seem like he's in any pain, but being a stark-raving-lunatic didn't have to be painful. _

"Listen, you were fine yesterday before you hit your melon. Are you sure you're okay? You're acting weird, really weird. Do you remember anything?"

"Of course." Cas assured, patting Meg's foot from where she had it propped up on the foot of his bed. "I remember everything, and I feel much better than I did."

"Maybe you should lay back down." Meg suggested.

"Good idea." The angel agreed, laying back down, looking to Meg for her approval.

"Now try sleeping again. You might be better in the morning."

"I feel just fine now. I feel great. Also, I wanted to thank you. For this alliance may so happy prove, To turn your households' rancour to pure love."

"That's kinda sweet, Cas." Meg replied, grinning only slightly.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

_Meg was not screwing around on the phone, _Dean told himself. _Cas is completely nuts. Nuts! I mean, we're managing to make sense of what he's saying between parts of babble, but what the hell is up?_

He and Sam went to the hospital as soon as Meg informed them that something was up. Sam insisted that they go right away. It must have been his feeling of gratitude at having his horrible memories taken away. But he insisted, so they went, and the man they saw had been the same man they left in the hospital with Meg, only he was fried.

The first thing he did when they entered the room, besides his usual 'hello' was insisting that Dean pulled his finger. Meg rolled her eyes, clearly thinking _not this again. _But Dean, much the joker decided to play along. When he actually did pull Cas's finger, the lights in the room blew out. Standing in darkness, Cas gave forth a short laugh, sounding grumbled and like it had been his first attempt at laughter.

He went on about bees, honey, pollination, seemingly very excited over things that an ordinary person would find common and boring. He also didn't respond to being insulted, and lavished poetic praise onto Meg, assumingly very grateful for her company.

_Come on, man. This is a waste of time, _Dean thought, frustrated. They'd gone through the trouble of stealing this rock from Dick. It appeared to be very important to him, the reason for his archaeological dig in the first place. What the hell was it though? Something big. Dean knew that when he tried to hammer through the fossilized rock surrounding the written stone. Each blow of his hammer caused lightning to strike. _We have too much to do. Snap out of it. We got this rock. There's stuff written on it that I don't understand. _

Cas didn't know what it said either. He stated that the word of God was written on this flat stone, and that it was written down by Metatron, not made for angels to understand. His fragile nature was apparent as soon as the slightest argument broke out in the group. Meg and Dean were at each other as usual and Cas noted that he was no longer cool with confrontations, starting to look panicked before dropping the stone tablet and disappearing.

Dean sighed, walking down to the Day Room where Meg was sure Cas would be. She wasn't wrong and Dean slowly approached, sitting down in front of his friend, who was no longer stricken with fear but he still had a strange look in his eyes, almost far away but trying hard to focus.

"You remember what you did." Dean started. He didn't know why he grabbed that out of the hat as his starting statement. But he did. It was the first thing he could think to say.

Instead of verbally replying, Cas reached over to the stack of board games on the table by which he sat, taking the Sorry box, presenting it to Dean as his way of response. The angel gave the box a single shake and the entire game was set up and ready to play before them.

"Do you want to go first?" Cas asked.

The two started the game, all the while Cas went on about different things that just happened to grace his mind for a moment. Neanderthals, pants, the universe. None of it was making sense, though. Dean was becoming irritated, wanting some straight answers and trying to confront his friend about the recent past. It was to no avail though, and Cas continued to prompt Dean into his next turn, until the human got angry and knocked the board and all the game pieces onto the floor, yelling and generally not handling himself correctly.

The angel sunk back into himself, now scared. Unconsciously, he jumped a bit every time that Dean moved. When the room was quiet for a moment, Cas slid down onto the floor to pick up the mess his friend just made. That conversation was quite obviously over when Cas smiled to himself and mentioned that Sam was talking to angels.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

While the two of them had been down in the Day Room, Sam and Meg came across a teenage boy by the name of Kevin Tran. He repaired the God rock that Cas broke, and was trying to take it with him. After a good chase, Kevin surrendered. He introduced himself and begged Sam not to kill him. While they were talking about Kevin's recent seizures and his sudden uncontrollable mission, two more angels appeared. A male and a female, and they wanted this Kevin kid, saying that he was a prophet. Cas knew them, and they seemed angry at his appearance, having supposedly died after destroying much of Heaven.

The angel attempted to sift through his cloudy brain to explain to them. He told Esther, the female, that he could offer her some answers, which he knew she was looking for, teach her perspective.

"Pull my finger." He offered, receiving a very confused look from Esther.

Cas looked around the room for a moment, noticing that the light was already blown out. "Uhm… Meg will get a new light, and I'll blow it out again," he stammered, "And…this time it will be funny, and we'll all look back and laugh."

_The angels are not taking this kid for any of their stupid prophesies, _Dean was assured. _He's a kid. He has an entire life ahead of him aside from some silly mission in the desert. _In his effort to save Kevin, he made another angel banishing sigil, sending each to a far corner of the world, giving the foursome time to escape to Rufus's cabin. Cas caught up along the way, having landed in a dog track in Australia only a short time ago. When the angel showed up in the car, it nearly scared Kevin senseless. He soon found that Cas was completely non-threatening when he started to speak again, booping Kevin's nose momentarily, to which the kid very quickly asked him to cease and desist.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Once in the cabin, after angel-proofing the house, it was hard to get Cas to sit still. He was all over the place, pacing, talking, going down into the basement, going back upstairs, looking out the windows, fiddling with the door knobs. Dean made him stay away from anything that led to the outside world, lest he accidentally open one of the doors or windows. The angels would be invited right in.

It wasn't long until they were, anyway. Meg slipped outside the first chance she got in order to kill the trucker demons that followed the group. As much as it wasn't her plan, the killings drew attention to their area, and once she was back in the cabin, the group found the door of the house ripped off and the angels presented themselves. Esther was furious this time, being that the humans took Kevin with them instead of surrendering him to the garrison.

She proceeded to beat Cas senseless and was going to take his life had it not been for Meg. Luckily she came across an angel blade and decided to keep it. The humans in the room were just standing there, even Dean. He stood there, only half being blocked by one of the other angels. _Up to me, I guess. He can either die in this room, or I can do something about it. Obviously I'm the only one that will. _Meg stepped behind Esther at the last second and drove the angel up into her heart from back in her spine. She lit up like a bug lamp, and then faded out, dropping to the floor. _Mine, bitch. _Being that Esther was no longer in command, the other two angels agreed to take Kevin home. His translation of the God rock was complete and it wasn't fair to keep him.

After they left, Cas became restless. The following night, he hadn't stopped, and all that day, the sky was cloudy and threatened rain. Dean caught his friend during his various in and outs that he was doing, gripping onto his coat at the last second and being transported with the angel to wherever it was he was going this time.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Cas. Why are we at a golf course in the middle of the night?" Dean asked, scanning the grassy hills.

"I smell rain, Dean. Isn't that interesting? Did you know that rain supposedly has no real smell? What we think is the scent of rain is actually the moisture in the air opening our sinus cavities. It's the smell of everything." Cas answered, which wasn't really an answer. He walked up one of the hills, inhaling the scents deeply just as rain started to fall.

"Dammit." Dean muttered, following his friend to make sure he wasn't going to get demon-napped in this place. It was very much out in the open. There were only a couple of tall trees spaced out in the area.

"Did you know that standing under a tree is incredibly dangerous during a storm?" Cas asked from under one of the trees a few minutes later. "But this is only rain, so I'm fairly sure we are safe."

Dean stood there, listening to Cas babble, watching him plant his back against the bark of the tree. The white scrub shirt he was wearing was now soaked, plastering to his slender body. Each very slight muscular curve accentuated by wet cloth.

_Goddamn, _Dean thought, biting his lower lip.

Before he could avert his eyes, Cas caught him staring.

"What's wrong, Dean?" He asked, a soft smile crossing his lips. He didn't know why Dean was looking, not that he couldn't remember their past, because he could. He liked the attention, and loved whenever Dean looked at him with anything in his eyes that wasn't anger, but with a frazzled brain, he didn't relate it to arousal.

"Bright green?" Dean asked, pointing to the now nearly see through pants that made him fully aware that Cas had on a pair of neon green underwear. Boxer briefs, tight, and very short in the legs.

"Um, it's my secret way to enjoy color." Cas replied, hand unconsciously going to his underwear's hem, exposed now due to the sagging of his water-logged pants.

"We, we should, we should get back." Dean started, motioning in one direction that may or may not have been the direction back to the cabin.

"Come here for a moment." Cas requested. Dean's eyebrow raised and the angel clarified by saying, "I want to tell you something."

Dean sighed, taking a couple steps forward to where he and Castiel were nearly nose and nose. This time he sucked in a breath and held it, meeting familiar blue eyes with his own. Cas had a strange look on his face, almost a smirk starting to play at the corners of his mouth. He continued to stand in that damn sexy way he was standing.

"Dean, I'm sorry about the past few months. I feel incredibly guilty about what transpired. Had I remembered you, I would never have…"

"Dude. I get it. Take it easy." Dean replied slowly. He knew what Cas was talking about, the whole Daphne thing and he knew how uncomfortable that conversation would be, so he put a stop to it.

"You seemed angry with me. Raising your voice and whatnot. You haven't looked at me or touched me…" Cas replied, now looking down at the grass.

"Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I've had a lot going on. I'm just stressed out. Don't worry about that part there. You didn't know any better."

"I appreciate your understanding, however my loyalty to you has been…what I did was cheating. I love you, I'm so sorry."

"Cas, quit reading too far into it, man. You couldn't remember us being us. You came through for Sam. I'm not mad at you." Dean assured, really trying to keep this from being awkward.

"Do you still love me?" Cas asked, looking more helpless than ever. His lip quivered and he looked sad for a moment.

Forgetting for just that exact moment that his angel's marbles fell out, he leaned forward, connecting their wet lips. Cas made a low _mmm_ sound at this and pulled his beloved human closer, flattening Dean against himself, feeling love seep into his very being. He missed this, even without a memory, his subconscious mind missed Dean.

Before he knew it, the two of them ended up in the grass, with Cas sitting down, his back still braced against the stalk of the tree. Dean was in front of him, trailing wet kisses down his neck. His human was quickly peeling off his soggy scrubs and tossing them into the grass one step at a time, making quick work of them and replacing their absence with his hands that seemed everywhere at once while Cas followed his lead and pulled off Dean's jacket and shirt with some effort, starting on his pants while Dean's right hand delved down between his naked legs.

"_Dean."_ He whispered, closing his eyes for a moment, straining to maintain composure instead of shoving his hips forward into Dean's hand. After control felt like it would slip away at any second, Cas pulled away before helping his human push his jeans and boxers down to just above his knees before Dean gripped the angel's hair and pulled his face down into his now exposed crotch, waiting until the familiar sensation of a warm mouth took in a throbbing erection.

"Cas." Dean moaned. Months ago, when Cas disappeared, Dean didn't think he'd ever feel any sensation like this for the rest of his time on Earth. When he was alone, he'd think about it, trying to remember every corner and every ridge of the mouth that was on him now. Cas was the most amazing creature Dean ever beheld. It was like he could read the human's mind, knowing exactly what felt good. He was broken out of thought when the angel made a whirring noise in his throat, vibrating Dean to his very core. Since the second Cas started pleasuring him, he'd been bucking forward just an inch or so at a time, but this time his fingers tightened in Cas's hair, shoving forward down a tight throat.

Castiel made a short gagging noise before pulling back, looking up at his beloved. "Wrong orifice, Dean. This one isn't made for thrusting." He smiled.

At hearing the angel's voice, the haze in Dean's mind started to fall away and he started to come back to his senses momentarily. But when he did finally become aware, he wasn't in the same position, sitting in front of a gagging angel. No, he had said angel pinned to the tree, positioned seconds away from breaching Cas's body. _How long did it take me to realize…how did I get here? A second ago I was sitting, now I'm about to…_

"This isn't right. Your brain is broken." He started to explain, fighting the urge to thrust inside of the warm channel he'd known so well before. _What the hell am I doing? I told myself I wouldn't, because he's not right in the head anymore. I was supposed to wait until he got better. Here I was acting like Daphne's actions were disgusting and I'm doing the same damn thing. He can't really consent to me. _

"Dean," Cas started.

"No. I can't do this, man. Not when you're all…like this."

"I'm the same person I've always been. Please don't hold this against me. I want you." Cas replied, now begging, trying to push downward to be entered.

"Cas, stop."

"I remember everything. I remember that I love you, very much. I want to be with you again. What if my brain is broken forever? Does that mean you'll never have me again? Please don't leave me. I feel like a penguin…did you know that they mate for life? When a penguin finds their mate through song, said penguin searches the entire shore of his home for the perfect rock to present to his mate. Then when one penguin dies, the other remains alone."

Dean didn't know why this was supposed to feel wrong but it did. It was taboo to get it on with somebody that had brain damage. Underneath the craziness, this was still the same Castiel he'd always been. But he was still crazy. Crazy, but a consenting adult. It wasn't like this was the first time they'd slept together. Dean remembered back when he'd been drunk and nearly beat his angel into submission. Guilt panged in his chest at this memory. He couldn't imagine physically hurting Cas anymore. He'd just been so angry. So how was this much different? Because Cas was the one not fully in control of himself.

"Dean, you are my chosen mate, and I am by your side as is your shadow."

_Cas, stop. Just stop talking, man. I can't think. My head is pounding._

"This doesn't have to be difficult, Dean. Nobody has to know but you and I."

_That's true. Damn I'm glad I left the flask at home._

"Dean."

_I want this. I know I do. He wants me. He loves me. Maybe it would feel less rapey if, maybe if…_

"Cas, wait. Can I ask you something?" Dean replied finally, pulling away and shifting his weight until he was no longer in danger of penetrating his precious angel.

"Anything, Dean." Cas replied, peppering kisses over his human's neck and shoulder.

He took a deep breath. "I want to be…I want you to…please just…." He sighed. "Castiel, I want you to be…" Dean was frustrated now and moved his hands about trying to grasp at words to make this request any less embarrassing.

"Inside you?" Cas asked, locking eyes with Dean and looking deeply to see if he'd been close in his guess.

Dean's cheeks burned and he looked away having heard this out loud. It was almost impossible that he'd asked it. Such a request wouldn't have come from him, not on an ordinary day. He'd been curious about the sensations from Cas's perspective during intimacy, but never really asked. He thought it would make him feel like a girl.

He nodded still trying to make eye contact with a lamp post maybe a quarter mile away until he felt soft hands cup either side of his face, bringing his eyes back to Cas's.

"Don't be embarrassed. I'd do anything for you, but are you sure?"

Dean nodded again._ Put Cas in the driver's seat. He'll be in control and won't do anything he truly doesn't want to do._

"Lay down." Cas whispered, easing his human down onto his back, his skin jumped at the coldness of the wet grass and the sudden bombarding of rain water against his bare torso. His heels were close to the backs of his thighs, knees facing upward, breath becoming ragged as Cas positioned himself, lifting Dean's hips up to where they were closer to the angel's lap, stopping for a moment.

"This view of you is…simply breathtaking." Cas whispered, placing gentle kisses over a trembling knee that was closest to reach.

Dean smirked, that same noticeably nervous smirk he did many times before, just not in a situation like this.

"Scared?" Cas asked.

"Uh huh." Dean didn't bother lying.

"My love, think about it this way. You survived Hell. This is nothing to be afraid of. You and I are mated together. My grace flows through you, keeping you whole. In this sense, I can never really hurt you. Not when I make love to you."

"That helps."

"I promise to make this pleasant. Your nerve endings are going to be on edge. Every pleasant sensation will be amplified." Cas replied, slowly easing forward, inch by inch until there were no more inches to ease in.

"Deep breath." Cas warned.

Dean obliged and inhaled, noting that he was okay. It didn't hurt like he thought it was going to. Cas wasn't lying when he said it would be pleasant. There was bit of a swelling inside feeling and a moderate burn, but that was it. It really was no big deal compared to Hell's tortures. Heat was already building in his lap.

Looking up at Cas, Dean could see his eyes widen considerably.

"What?" Dean asked.

"Inside, you're very…much like a vice. A warm, tight vice."

"Thanks…you plan on staying a while?" Dean asked, not remembering it taking him this long to get to business. His angel was so still.

"Did you know that-"

"Cas, no." Dean cut him off.

"Right, sorry." Cas replied, experimentally pulling backward before pushing back in. When that didn't appear to have disastrous consequences, he tried again, and then again, each time angling up a little more, drawing something that was half a gasp and half a moan from the man under him. Cas pulled out almost all the way before thrusting back in, brushing over a satisfying cluster of nerves, willing Dean to nearly scream and sit straight up, catching himself on his elbows to watch in pleasure as Cas gripped one of his human's legs, turning his hip to make his thrusts drive in all too pleasantly.

As the heat between them was starting to peak, a hissing sound came from the ground before the sprinkler system activated, sending a stream of water into Dean's eyes before he knew it. The man in the grass sputtered and turned his head away as Castiel laughed that same weird laugh he tried earlier, leaning forward to grip the sprinkler head and turn it around, to where the water stream was facing the opposite way. _Its raining! Why the Hell would the sprinklers still come on?_

After a brief fit of giggles and Cas making sure that his human's eyes were okay, the two resumed their actions, with Cas now leaning forward more, able to almost reach Dean for kisses, which became possible when the bigger man pulled himself into a crabwalk-like position, arms extended, holding himself up while his lower body remained on Cas's lap. The two kissed through desperate moans as Cas's left hand spidered down between their slick bodies to match his thrusts with the manner in which he was stroking Dean's cock, squeezing slightly each time the prostate nerves were stimulated.

"_Mmm, Cas. Fuck me." _

The angel paused for a moment, staring straight ahead, opening his mouth a couple of times, before saying, "I don't understand."

"Don't stop!" Dean begged, irritated briefly at Cas's innocence.

"K" Cas replied, resuming his same thrusting motion as before, drawing moan after moan from the two of them. Dean felt so good inside, molded perfectly to fit Cas, his soul mate. The two continued to kiss when they found time, nearly between screaming, panting, moaning, gasping. Luckily this golf course was closed for the night. Dean never would have guessed that sex in the rain would be that intense, but some of it had to be Cas. Being with him, though parts of it still felt weird, it was perfect. Being loved, being truly wanted despite everything else.

"Dean, I'm-" Cas's eyes closed and he slammed into his human once more, spilling inside, bringing the love of his life to climax at the exact same time as his own.

"Oh god!" Dean panted.

"No, it's 'oh Cas'." Castiel corrected, eyes pinched shut, rolling his hips and finishing.

"Cas, I love you!" Dean yelled, arms gripping the body in front of him tightly as the waves faded out.

Exhausted, the two men sprawled into the grass, panting.

"Damn. I missed you." Dean whispered.

"Here. How about I clean you up? Believe me, walking around with that 'wet on the inside' feeling gets uncomfortable." Cas offered, placing a finger against Dean's thigh, which apparently was almost like taking a bath. His insides felt clean and now comfortable.

"Thanks."

"I can dry your clothes for a minute so that they're less difficult to put back on, too. If you'd prefer."

The two got dressed and Dean insisted on trying something he'd wanted to try since losing Cas. He held his angel's hand as they zapped back, walking up the path together.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"Dean' you're soaked! Where the hell have you guys been?" Sam asked when the two snuck into the back door.


	16. Chapter 16

Sorry it has taken me so long to update, readers. I have been abominably depressed lately and have not been able to string two words together in a written manner. I'm okay, though. So now here's a new chapter. It centers around Season 7's final two episodes. Slightly non-canon. Reviews are love! I'm not kidding. Reviews. Are. Love. Love means I'll update sooner.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

"What are you, my mother?" Dean asked, looking pleased with himself.

"It's the middle of the night, man. It's dangerous out there." Sam added. He wasn't lying. Meg took care of the previous angelic threat, but there were Leviathans still after the group.

"Sam, I wanted to go outside. It smelled rather nice out there, and Dean was pursuing me for the same reason you just mentioned." Cas replied, smiling politely as he gazed around the room.

"Is that a hickey on your neck?" Sam asked, eyes wide.

Dean's eyes widened as well, and Cas's would have if he'd been able to muster a fraction of embarrassment at the time. Cas did have what looked like a raised purple bruise marked on the skin that joined his neck and shoulder.

"No." Cas replied, polite smile turning into a smirk.

"What is it?" Sam asked, stepping closer to examine the mark.

"Well, he said he didn't want to go back into the cabin, and I said, 'Dude, you're getting your ass back inside where it's safe.' When he said no again, I grabbed hold of his scruff and marched him right back here." Dean answered, thinking fast.

"What? Dean, why are you being such a dick?" Sam asked, giving his brother a dirty look, ushering Cas down into the basement. Unnoticed to Sam, on the way down the stairs, the angel turned his gaze to Dean, giving him a wink. It looked silly, as if it was the first time he'd ever tried on a wink in his life. It probably was.

_What the Hell just happened? _

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Not long before, Ghost Bobby revealed to the Winchesters that according to Kevin's translations, the method for killing Dick required the three bloods of the Fallen. The Fallen apparently were: Cas, a fallen angel, Crowley, the fallen King of Hell, and an Alpha beast. The first part would not be hard. Dean knew that all he needed to do was ask and Cas would give him anything he required. The other two bloods wouldn't be so easy to obtain, especially when they were unsure of how to obtain alpha blood when Cas killed all the alphas in their cages at Sam's request.

Apparently, he didn't extinguish all flames in that building, as there was evidence presented to them by Crowley that the alpha vampire escaped the compound before Castiel's extermination. Only after successfully aquiring alpha blood would Crowley agree to give a vial of his own.

In that was a new problem. With Crowley's help, the Winchesters found the alpha's original home, and entered the building to find three dead vampires. Their mouths and chins were all horribly burned. Apparently they did not react well to the high fructose corn syrup that humans in the area were being pumped, another one of Dick's brilliant plans.

The two found a kidnapped young girl, claiming that she'd been a prisoner in this house for a decade. She agreed to lead the pair to the alpha's retreat, gathering her memories and feeding the two information about how to find their alpha. In turn, she did not steer them wrong, but she was not a helpless victim either. She'd sided with the alpha, considering him to be her father, having spent so much time with him.

_No time to deal with that weird shit right now, _Dean told himself. They needed to act and act fast.

The two explained to the alpha that the Leviathans were not sided with the vampires. Leviathans hated vampires and the corn syrup was intentionally fed to the humans, knowing it was poison to vampires. Skeptical, the alpha placed the Winchesters in a secured room while Leviathan Edgar showed up for one of their meetings.

Of course the Winchesters were right, and of course they came to the alpha's rescue at the last moment, chopping the head off of the Leviathan before he could harm the alpha or his 'daughter'. Always mature, the alpha offers his blood to Sam as a peace offering for the time being, in an effort to protect his species from extinction at the dirty hands of Dick Roman. Two bloods down, Crowley to go.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

_**CLUNK!**_

Cas hasn't been paying attention, obviously lost in a fog again, heading towards the window as he did lately and he completely forgot that the coffee table was within range, bumping his calf into it loudly.

"You okay?" The younger Winchester requested from where he sat on an old couch not six feet away. He and Cas were alone in the room at the current time. Dean was off on his own, insisting that he should go on a food run alone. Sam could only guess that he wanted to give more thought to the final pieces of their puzzle. The needed Crowley's blood. They'd just broken into a crypt a short time ago and stole a nun's bone. Something about that didn't sit right with him, stealing body parts from a righteous old woman. _So it's come to this…_

"I believe so." The angel answered, eyes wide but apparently in no pain. Stepping out of his shoe, he lifted the leg that he just hit up onto the offending coffee table, balancing and pulling the leg of his pants up to his knee to search for what may become a bruise within hours.

"Cas, why the _Hell_ are your legs so smooth?" Sam asked, eyes wide.

"Thank you for noticing, Sam."

"Why, man?!" Sam asked again, motioning to the exposed limb and then quickly turning his eyes away from the single most amazing leg he'd ever laid eyes on. _Jesus I am going to Hell. Straight to Hell, I'm practically sprinting there. Good LORD! He's an angel, stop staring at his leg, and STOP thinking dirty thoughts about it, Sam! Can angels read minds? No, I'm not praying so-_

"Well, you and I both know that Dean's been angry with me lately." Cas replied softly.

"Yeah" Sam agreed. Dean was incredibly short with their angel, having snapped at him more times than not lately. He'd yelled at Cas only hours ago because his frazzled brain couldn't piece together what he was trying to express.

_=+FLASHBACK+=_

_Dean, Sam, and Meg were talking about Dick, and Sam mentioned that he somehow disguised clones of himself. Dick made more Dicks._

_Enter Cas's crazy mind: Dick Roman. Copy. There's more of them? Scared. Don't want to fight. Fight like a cat. Dick Roman. Cat. A cat's penis is covered with barbs. Cats. I've always liked them. I want one before Roman kills me. Kitty. Kitty. Meow. Ha! That's a rather funny sound. _

"_Do we need a cat?" Cas asked, jerking around and trying to keep himself busy._

_Sam pieced together that this was Cas's strange way of saying that he was infact paying attention, but didn't get much of a chance to let that sink in before Dean snapped._

"_Dean." Sam tried to calm his brother, to keep him from yelling at Cas again. It was weird, but this was starting to bother the younger Winchester more lately. _

_It didn't help Castiel's cause when he expressed his desire not to participate in fighting, for fear that he would destroy the world again._

_+=PRESENT=+_

"I was taking some time to myself, watching the TV in the basement, and there was a commercial on. It was talking about Venus razor blades. The woman in the commercial had gorgeous legs and she was receiving positive attention from men. I didn't give it much thought until the TLC movie was on. I can't recall the title. Something bad happened. The main character did something mean, and the man in her life was angry with her. But she said she was sorry, and he touched her leg and was instantly happy with her again. Upon looking, I discovered that her legs were smooth too. I figured, maybe I should attempt this human request for forgiveness." Cas replied slowly, blinking away his crazy for a moment until he was through with his speech. It was so hard to let a complete thought escape his lips without other things interrupting.

Sam stood there for a moment and then promptly burst into laughter. Cas faced the much bigger man, a confused expression on his face, but a smirk across his lips nonetheless. He had no idea what was funny, but the fact that Sam was laughing made him smile.

"Okay, man! You go right ahead and give it a try." The younger Winchester brother said through gasps of air. Cas's misunderstanding of human nature was hilarious. He was learning, but there was still so much he didn't understand and Sam wasn't sure if this part was because of his current condition, or just the fact that he was their clueless angel. He would have given his left leg to see Dean's reaction to Cas's silliness. Then again, his brother usually had to be the one to explain to the angel his various questions.

"I do hope this doesn't bruise, my leg would look less appealing that way. Maybe if I show him the right leg instead?" Cas was more talking to himself than anything. "I like my left leg better…had I not banged it."

"Sure, that should probably help. Maybe just take your pants off and show him both legs?" Sam suggested, still trying and failing miserably to hold back sputters of laughter.

"No, Sam. The pizza man took off his pants once." Cas replied, making the younger man burst into another fit.

"You don't want your ass slapped?" Sam replied. He stopped laughing for a moment, head tilting to the side. The way Cas was standing, one foot still up on the coffee table like Captain Morgan, leaning forward slightly, his coat laid off to the side of his body, showing off how pretty his ass looked in the scrub pants he still wore.

"No, that was the babysitter, and she was wearing a skirt. Which I'm not. Sam, why are we talking about this? Sam? Sam?"

"Huh?" He replied.

"You've been looking at me like that for a time." Cas replied, pushing his pant leg back down, stepping down into his shoe.

"Sorry, man. I…I have to go to the bathroom." Sam blurted, standing up and making a b-line for the basement stairs, where the facilities were a little more private.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Later that night, the fallen angel watched his friends send the vengeful, yet surrendering spirit of their dear friend Bobby into the great beyond. They hadn't told him at all about Bobby's passing. It was the first he'd learned of it, and only assumed that the group spared him that information feeling that he was unable to understand in his present mental condition.

Cas sat in the same room, quietly posted on the stairs. He'd liked Bobby, truly. He'd been a wonderful man and so very close to being family. When Sam and Dean were angry with him about the Leviathans, becoming God, betraying them, and putting the world in danger, Bobby never once judged him. He was going to miss the old man. Something about this hurt. Castiel was an angel of the lord, and as such, he knew that the man's spirit would go on and eventually find a happy place to rest. It hurt to say goodbye. There was so much that Bobby still had to offer. The angel was terrified, but he had to help his friends. They'd lost the best man they'd ever known. Bobby was only a mortal, only a man. Sam and Dean were only men. Cas was an angel. He had to help. They needed him, and if he didn't push past being scared, he was going to watch his friends die, too.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Crowley was indeed pissed off that the boys kept Castiel a secret from him, but he came through and offered a vial of blood unto them. He even went so far as to explain in part his lengthy deal with Dick Roman, saying that he was betraying this deal and putting himself in danger for the Winchesters. He was supposed to give them imposter blood. They could only trust that he didn't do so when they performed the ritual, soaking the bone of Sister Mary Something in each of the three bloods. The end was near, yet again.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

_Time to bite the bullet, Dean. Ask him one more time. Don't be a dick._

He'd avoided asking Cas any questions at all until the two of them arrived at the Impala, his little errand that he insisted the angel transport him.

"Thanks for the lift." Dean said.

"My pleasure." Cas replied. _It's my pleasure to help you, to touch you. _

"Dean-"

"Cas, we've been over it. I get it. You can't help." Dean cut off.

The angel had been giving this a lot of thought, and abandoning this world for a dark corner, hiding while the man he loved died was just not an option. Afraid or not, he had to give his all, one more time. _Always willing to bleed for the Winchesters._

"If we attack Dick and fail, you and Sam die heroically, correct?" He started.

"I don't know. I guess." Dean replied, not having given their deaths much thought.

"At best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistakes. Or I don't die, brought back again. I see now it's a punishment resurrection. Its worse every time."

"I'm sorry, we're talking that God crap again?" Dean asked, clarifying. He wanted Cas to continue, this being the first time he talked of helping.

"I'm not good luck, Dean." The angel replied.

"You know what? Bottom of the ninth, and you're the only guy left on the bench. Sorry, I'd rather have you, cursed or not." _I'd rather have you if there were a million other guys to choose from. You came back. _"And anyway, nut up, alright? We're all cursed. Do I seem like good luck to you?"

Cas was smiling again.

"What?" Dean asked.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness." Cas replied happily, averting his eyes and then bringing them right back to his human.

"Yeah well, we're probably all going to die tomorrow, so" Dean started, trailing off.

"Well, I'll go with you." Cas replied, having heard all he needed to hear. _I'm on my way to die. Dean forgives me, so I don't even care._

"Thanks."

"Can I ask…the plan?" Cas asked, trying to be cute and secretive, and it worked.

"Well according to Crowley, Dick knows we're coming. So we're gonna announce ourselves. BIG." Dean said, not at all to Cas's surprise.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

It wasn't the first time the angel went all in with the Winchesters, wasn't the first 'last stand' and he was hoping to high heaven that this would not be the last. They'd crashed the Impala into Sucrocorp and Meg joined in, killing guards while the brothers and Cas infiltrated the building, using Cas's leviathan vibe to sense which was the real Dick, before finally reaching him in the laboratory. All self-preservation aside, the angel did what he'd been known to do many times before, stepping between Dean and certain danger, distracting Dick Roman long enough for Dean to pierce his chest with the bone, which turns out to be another distraction. While Dick is feeling victorious, Dean jabs the actual bone through his neck. The world around them throbbed and cascaded them through time and space until the two ended up in the dark, in the woods, just the two of them, with Dick nowhere in sight.

"Where are we?" Dean asked.

"You don't know?" Cas replied, eyeing the trees like a cat when Johnny-Kick-A-Cat enters the room.

"Last I remember, we ganked Dick." Dean said, looking around this new place with less nervousness.

"And where would he go in death?" Castiel asked, wide eyed.

_Purgatory!_

"Wait, are you telling me that-"

"Every soul here is a monster." Cas interrupted, "This is where they come to prey upon each other for all eternity."

"We're in Purgatory?" Dean clarified, fear sweeping his voice as creaks and cracks were heard in the trees. "How do we get out?"

"I'm afraid we're much more likely to be ripped to shreds." Cas said, sounding so much less insane right now.

Another thrash in the trees brought Dean to a spin, looking around to possibly catch a glimpse of more than shadow and red eyes.

"Cas, I think we better-" Dean started, turning back to find his friend gone and himself all alone in these woods.

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Things weren't well on Earth either. Crowley took Kevin from Sam and disappeared, stating that he needed the kid for his own means. Meg was nowhere to be found, and Sam assumed she'd been captured. Dean and Cas both disappeared when Dick exploded black stuff everywhere.

_NOW WHAT?!_


	17. Chapter 17

Attention readers: This story is going on a temporary hiatus. I'm sorry. But I have yet to see Season 8, and I need to wait to add the chapters for this one. But I will continue it.

To make it up to you, I have skipped around a bit and added future chapters, which I continued in a different story. You can read my version of the future if you'd like, as it won't interfere with the chapters I'm going to add to this story later. My future may or may not be too canon. I'm not sure yet. Anyway, check out my newest story. It's called "So Life Continues"


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